Page 30 of Over the Verdant Hills
She still felt corrosive anger when she thought about Josiah knowing and not telling her. There was mostly the fact that she felt she deserved to know. Maybe that was pride. Maybe it was pride making her feel likesomeone should have told her. Who was she to expect anyone to let her know anything?
“Maybe humility is the key to not being offended?” she said, knowing that her grandma was probably the most humble person she knew. After all, she never insisted that she deserved anything. She just put her hand in Jesus’s hand and walked softly along beside Him. And whatever came, she handled it with Jesus by her side.
“I think you might be on the right track with that.”
“Well, maybe I ought to go outside and apologize to Josiah while I’m still thinking I can. I’ve found that the longer I let things go, the harder it is to apologize.”
She thought again about Grace. She really needed to apologize to her, but decades had gone by, and how was she going to start? She didn’t want to dredge up old things that had been covered over and buried. Sometimes they hurt worse the second time around. But sometimes they just lay there and festered. For her, it was fine—she didn’t care if she ever talked about it again. But maybe Grace would need to hear her apologize. Plus, she probably would feel a little bit lighter and less guilty and wouldn’t keep thinking about it if she managed to apologize and get it off her chest.
“I think it would be a good idea. That boy thinks a lot of you, and I could tell it was really upsetting him that there was something between you.”
“I didn’t have any right to get upset. I shouldn’t have. I mean, I would have liked it if you would have told me, but you’re right. He was doing you a favor, and who am I to deserve to have that information anyway?”
Grandma smiled at her, and then she grimaced a little as she shifted. “I think I’m going to go find a pain pill and maybe take a nap.”
“Grandma?”
“Yes?” Her grandma paused as she shifted to get off the bed.
“Have the doctors given you anything for pain?”
“Not yet. I haven’t been in any kind of pain to need anything. But… Maybe it’s time to make another visit. They said eventually they would need to give me stronger and stronger pain meds, and then perhaps morphine. They said that with morphine, the end would not be hard. I…The one thing I asked when I went was that death be painless. As painless as it can be.”
Claire swallowed. She didn’t want to talk about death. Especially her grandma’s death, but she had to be brave, because Grandma was trusting her with this information. “I can make an appointment if you tell me where the number to your doctor is.”
“I’ll find it when I get downstairs. And the other thing I asked was that I be able to die at home. They said that shouldn’t be a problem. They talked about hospice. Do you have any experience with that?”
“No experience, but I’ve heard of them. I guess the doctor will tell us when it’s time to call them.”
She was surprised she’d found the bravery to say those words. She didn’t want to. She wanted to go bury herself somewhere, where she didn’t have to deal with this. She needed some time to process. Some time to think. And… Maybe a shoulder to cry on.
Josiah came to mind, but then she thought about Grace.
It wasn’t a coincidence that she had met Grace just that morning. God orchestrated everything, and there was no doubt in her mind that God had brought Grace into her life just when she would need her the most. Except she should have responded to Grace when she had left messages on her phone, reaching out. Perhaps now Grace would be upset with her and not open to reconciliation. But if that were the case, it was her own fault. And she had no one but herself to blame.
“I can help you,” she said as Grandma grimaced again.
“Some days, it’s not bad. I think it was the rain that we had earlier, or maybe the rain that’s coming.”
Claire didn’t say anything. She highly doubted it had anything to do with the rain, but there was no point in arguing with Grandma. It might’ve been her grandma’s way of thinking that things would get better. And she supposed that was a positive and healthy way to look at things. It would at least keep Grandma’s spirits up, and Claire wasn’t going to do anything to dash her hopes. Maybe, maybe when they went to the doctor, he would be able to tell her that there was still hope that Grandma would pull through. That she would have lots of pain-free and happy years ahead. She hoped so.
Chapter Twelve
Josiah was in the act of trying to pry the porch railing back away from the post when Claire came out the door.
He realized he was holding his breath but couldn’t seem to make his lungs work as her eyes met his.
Her face seemed calmer, and maybe she wasn’t angry anymore. Was it possible that she’d gotten over it that fast?
His dad had always said that his mom was not really a normal woman because she never got angry. His dad told horror stories of growing up with sisters who fought over everything and got offended over the slightest things.
Maybe Josiah was using an unfair yardstick with which to measure Claire.
“I’m sorry. I stomped away angry, and that was really immature and stupid of me.”
“It’s okay. I kind of figured when we were talking that you were going to be angry when you found out. But… I couldn’t say anything, because I knew that if your grandma wanted you to know, she would have told you. As much as I wanted you to know.” He wanted her to believe that. Because it was true. He had almost told her over and over again, because he thought it was important for her to know.
“That makes me feel a little better. I’m glad that you wanted me to know, at least.”
