Page 48 of A Deeper Darkness
Sam took a sip, fortifying herself, then set the glass on the counter. Now or never.
“Why don’t we take a look at his office, Susan.”
Susan was delaying, Sam knew that. It was one thing to invite a stranger into your home, but when that stranger used to sleep with your husband, it became a whole different matter. Sam was about to go someplace Susan hadn’t been allowed, into the very private mind of her spouse.
Sam would be stalling, too.
Susan took a deep breath.
“Just promise me one thing, Sam.”
“Anything within reason, Susan, of course.”
“If he didn’t love me, but couldn’t tell me, I don’t want to know.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
McLean, Virginia
Dr. Samantha Owens
Sam’s first impression of Donovan’s office was dark wood, very unlike the surrounding rooms in the rest of the house. It screamed Man. The doors to the office were glass, so the owner could keep an eye on things while still having the privacy of a closed door. There were floor-to-ceiling bookcases to the right stuffed with books of all shapes, sizes and colors, and two windows to the left. The large desk sat in the middle of the room, perpendicular to the bookcases, with a classic leather nailed desk chair behind it.
Empty.
So empty. This wasn’t good. Old emotions paraded around her, laughing at her hesitation. Sam could picture Donovan sitting there as clearly as if he’d appeared before her.
Sam entered his office with trepidation. It didn’t feel right being here. This was Donovan’s world, even more so than the rest of his house. To walk in his footsteps, to see how he’d arranged his life just so—that was profane. She wasn’t meant to be a part of Donovan’s life. She’d known that for years. Hell, he’d known it when he broke things off that night, giving her that damn mix tape with all the songs they’d identified with. On the insert, he’d written a line from a Dire Straits song, “Romeo and Juliet.”
I love you, Sam. It was just that the time was wrong.
She’d taken one look at that and allowed her heart to run back to Nashville, back to her previously meted-out life. Followed the path that was expected of her.
That fucking voice was niggling in the back of her mind again. The voice she’d drowned out all those years ago.
You could have fought back, Sam. You could have won him over. He wanted you to stay. To accept his decision, support him, wait for him. If you could have just forgiven him, allowed him to do what his honor told him was right. But you let your pride get in the way.
If she hadn’t listened to him, had fought for him to stay, to love her, then what? Would he still be dead? Would Simon? And what would have happened to Matthew and Madeline? If they’d never been born, how could they die?
She couldn’t undo any of it now. They were all dead because of the choices she’d made.
She struggled against the rising tide, but the stress of the past few days finally overwhelmed her. A sob wrenched free from her chest. Here she stood, in the middle of Donovan’s office, his wife a few feet away, crying like a damn schoolgirl over an old lost love. Over all her lost loves.
Silently, Susan appeared at her elbow. She handed Sam a tissue and looked at her curiously. Sam wiped her eyes and tried for a smile.
“I’m sorry, Susan. I am a fool. A first-class fool.”
“I don’t know if I agree with that statement. You loved him, didn’t you?”
“Once,” Sam whispered. “Yes, once I did. But it wasn’t meant to be. He was meant to find you, and have those two beautiful girls. As they say, everything happens for a reason.”
“Too bad neither one of us believes that. And now he’s dead. I can’t help but wonder, if he’d stayed with you, would this have happened?”
Sam shook her head. Those thoughts were meant to be hers alone. Susan wasn’t supposed to be digging into that morass, not when she hadn’t been responsible for her husband’s death.
The tears stopped, as suddenly as they had started. She felt empty.
“You can’t do that to yourself, Susan. Trust me, I’ve tried that path, and it’s one better not taken. Besides, Eddie would have never stayed. He was too married to the idea of going back into the military. It was just something he had to do. I hated him for it. I hated him for leaving me. And now I’m never going to have a chance to say I’m sorry.”
