Page 114 of A Deeper Darkness
He understood loss. Simple as that.
Xander threw the stick for Thor again and leaned back on his elbows in the grass.
“We’re going to have to go back down the mountain,” he said.
“Why? I thought you didn’t want to be around people. Isn’t that why you’re up here in the woods, running away from the world?”
“I’m up here waiting for the zombie apocalypse. I thought you knew.”
“Ha, ha.”
He grinned at her, and she felt the strangest twisting in her stomach.
“Haback. Now, let’s be accurate. I didn’t say I was leaving civilization behind entirely. Besides, the kind of people who come to this place aren’t the kind I like to avoid. They have respect for the land. Respect for our freedoms. There’s a certain mentality to the woods, Sam. Out here, it’s just you and your thoughts. Uninterrupted by phones and televisions and computers.”
“You know, it strikes me I’ve never asked what do you do for money?”
He laughed. “As if money is important. I have savings. I’m not a really expensive man. I’m a guide, too. Word of mouth, only. You saw my workbench. Fly-fishing around here is some of the best in the mid-Atlantic region. I have a P.O. Box down in Frostburg. Once a month, I go down there with my calendar, get the mail, drink some coffee at this great little diner and set things up. That’s what I was thinking. We could go eat some greasy food and I can check my mail.”
“But they can’t call you. What if they have to cancel?”
He gave her an amused smile. “Then I go fishing without them. I figure if it’s important enough to them, they’ll make the effort to be here. If not…it’s their loss, not mine. The world doesn’t end.”
“How do you get the news?”
“Forest rangers, and the people who come to fish. Though, thankfully, it’s not loaded down with the kind of superficial bubblegum crap you probably deal with on a daily basis. I just want to know if things blow up. That’s all.”
She swung a few more times. Xander was a good one for silence. She liked that she didn’t have to talk all the time.
“It sounds lonely.”
“No. Alone, yes. But I like to be alone. I like my privacy. I don’t want a bunch of people scurrying around, telling me what to do. I did my time. Literally. Peace, quiet and alone—that’s my idea of heaven. Toss in a book, my music, Thor and a beer or two, and I couldn’t be happier.”
“What about marriage? Children? Haven’t you ever wanted that?”
“Wow, aren’t we getting personal here.” But he smiled at her, a cocksure grin, and she felt that funny thing in her stomach again, what she’d been feeling for the past several days around him.
“Sorry. I’m just trying to understand.”
“But you do, don’t you? You’ve wanted this, too. You’ve been alone for the past two years, right?”
She paused for a minute, then set her head back against the hammock and stared at the clouds.
“Alone, yes. But unlike you, I’ve been lonely. Very, very lonely.”
“You don’t have to be alone anymore, Sam. I can make room for you here. You belong. Even Thor loves you.”
The dog loved her. That fit. She wasn’t deserving of much else.
She swung in silence for a few more minutes. “It’s my fault they’re dead.”
Xander came over to her, pulled her upright. He sat down next to her and put his hand under her chin. It was as close as he’d gotten to her since that first night she’d arrived at his doorstep, and he’d hugged her softly, like she was a burn victim. He’d been respecting her boundaries without even having to be asked.
“Oh, Sam. Haven’t you realized by now that unless you take the life by your own hand, physically strip the body of its ability to live byyour own hand,you aren’t responsible for the death?”
“Xander, that’s not true. It was my actions that put Simon in danger. My selfishness. My sense of self-importance. I should have been with them. I put the dead before the living. I’ve always done that. It’s what I do. You need to know that.”
“Tell me what happened. I’ll tell you if you’re responsible or not.”
