Page 59 of His Flawed Ride
“Yes, thank you, Harper. I’m well aware of the men we’ve left behind. It’s too early for your sass. Go and order breakfast, once we’re on the road, we’re not stopping until we find somewhere new to live.”
She slides out of the booth and skips to the counter, climbing up and onto one of the stools.
This time it’s going to be different.
And it was. For five months Slade helped us out with rent and utilities, and it was just the two of us. Harper settled into her new school and made new friends. We spent nights with her sleeping in my bed, eating candy and popcorn and watching movies. There were flowers in glasses on the kitchen windowsill that made Harper smile while eating her cereal in the mornings.
I’d rather relive my time with Hopper than let memories come flooding back.
The house is quiet and only the light in the upper hall is on. I take my time, and hobble down the stairs. JJ will have a pack of smokes around here somewhere. I need a cigarette and to be out in the fresh air. But as I reach the bottom of the stairs, the lamp is on in the living room and Gunner’s soft laughter trickles out to where I’m stood in the hall. Standing in the doorway, Ikeep quiet and see Harper is laid on the carpet and Gunner is climbing over her.
She’s such a great mother and I know for a fact she didn’t learn it from me.
“He can’t sleep. It’s better to wear him out then try and coax him to settle.”
She doesn’t look at me, I weren’t aware she knew I was here.
“I used to do that with you. We’d curl up on the sofa and watch a movie, you’d always fall asleep ten minutes in.”
“I know, I remember. It’s why I do this. We usually watch movies but tonight he wasn’t wanting to sit down.”
My heart swells with underserved pride that she has continued something I did with her. I ease myself down onto the armchair before I fall.
“I’m sorry. Though it’s not enough for everything I put you through. I tried to do my best for you in my own way, but I see now that I never got it right. I was selfish to keep you in my life. I wish I could change everything.”
Harper goes to speak but I hold my hand up to stop her. “I want you to know that I realise I can’t change a thing, I own every fuck up I’ve made. I regret the men I brought into your life just because I was lonely. You should’ve been enough because you always were, baby. I was just greedy. I wanted what I thought everyone else had. The house, the man, the car, the happy kid. Love. I see now that I could’ve had all that just me and you.”
“It’s all in the past now, Mom. I had to stop living there a long time ago. I mean, I make mothering choices different to yours and that is a conscious effort on my part. There were good times growing up, few and far between, but we still had them.”
“There should have been more good times than not.”
“I agree, but I don’t have room in my life for regrets of the past anymore. I’m breaking the cycle of bad relationships andchildhood trauma with my son. And when he grows up and has any children of his own, his parenting style will be more like mine. The childhood I had ends with me. You don’t need to keep apologising because I know you’re sorry, but every time you apologise, I’m dragged right back to the times you’re apologising for.”
I wipe the tears that are silently streaming down my cheeks, not caring about touching the bruises and causing myself pain.
This woman, my daughter, is amazing despite of me, not because of me. She spends every day knowingly making choices that I should have made for her.
“One thing from the moment you were born that has always been true is that I’ve loved you and maybe if I had loved you a little less I wouldn’t have been so selfish as to keep you with me.”
“I used to wish I could go live with Slade and Kristen but when I was ten, I learned that was never going to happen. I am who I am today because of our life, and like you said, we can’t change it, but I can change how I live as an adult. You can do the same, Mom. When are you going to learn that men aren’t the answer for you? You can find freedom and happiness in being alone, I reckon your life would be fuller for it.”
“Maybe.” Though I can’t see it myself. Whether I’m in a relationship or on my own, I’m just a fuck up.
My grave will one day read, Lily McCarthy. Mother. Daughter. Sister. Fuck Up.
Anyone passing by my headstone will see my name and smile because they will agree.
“I’m proud of you, Harper. I do believe that if you didn’t have JJ, you’d still be the great mother you already are. You’re amazing and I hope that nothing in this life ever changes that.”
Silence hangs between us and we both look down to see Gunner has fallen asleep on her lap.
“He’s a sweet boy, got the look of his father but he’s more you than Jay. I see a bright future for him.”
“If you sort your shit out, you’ll get to see how his future plays out.”
“I think it’s too late for me to settle down around here.”
“I’ll talk to Leo. You’re my mother…”
