Page 184 of Affair
Gamble was sickened by that.
This was bad.
Poe fixed the unfixable.
“You help so many soldiers who need you.”
Poe finished getting dressed.
“And yet, I’m perpetually left alone,” he admitted. “I can’t help me. I’m surrounded by trauma, and I’ve realized that my brother was right all of those years ago.”
Gamble was confused.
“About?”
Poe shared.
“He was the daring one. The pilot, the brave one who did his best to help people in foreign countries. He jumped out of planes, he skydived, he lived his life like each day was his last. Meanwhile, I locked myself away with books, hid behind them because I’m not brave. For once, I wanted to listen to Hemmingway. I wanted to live like I was brave. You were my only act of bravery.”
Gamble stared at him in utter shock.
“Me?”
He laughed.
“Yeah, you, Gamble. The gorgeous broken soldier I fell in love with, and risked it all for that one moment. You were worth it. That one moment we shared made it worth everything. That was my one adventurous act of bravery. I slept with a man who I knew was leaving. I gave a piece of me to a man who couldn’t love me. I believed I was strong enough to survive after the fact. I’m not.”
Gamble moved toward him.
“Poe.”
“Don’t,” he said. “You’ve made up your mind. You’re leaving because you’re afraid I’ll be hurt. Only, leaving hurts me in ways you don’t understand. Leaving breaks me, and for me, there’s no Poe to put me back together again.”
That hit him hard.
He didn’t think of it that way.
“You’ll hand me over, your words, not mine, and then you’ll ghost out of here. Leaving me to always wonder what I did wrong. I’ll forever wonder why I wasn’t enough.”
Gamble felt ill.
“Poe. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Yes, I did, Gamble. I broke the rules. I fell in love with a patient, and I slept with him. Now, I have to suffer the consequences. I have to let you go, and know you’ll never come back for me. You’ll never chase me down because you’ll do what you believe is right for me, despite me telling you it’s all wrong.”
He reached for him, and let him touch him.
Why?
He wasn’t sure why.
Maybe it was because he’d miss it when he was gone, or because he was a masochist.
“The idea that you’ll die because of me is terrifying,” Gamble admitted. “That makes my blood go cold. I’m not leaving just to leave. I tried to get you to let me stay. I’m like Rufus. I got dropped here, and I lingered. I’m sure being here is a burden.”
How could he believe that?
“It has never been a burden. I’ve enjoyed every meal we’ve shared, every walk we’ve taken, and every second we’ve spent together. You’re a coward, Gamble. That’s the truth.”
