Page 140 of Unmasking Love
"But the team was into it, cheering you on, supporting you, and you didn't want me to do that too."
"What?" I hate to argue with her but she's wrong. "No, Harper, I couldn't care less about it. I didn't tell you because I didn't think to tell you. And," I lean forward and rest my arm on the back of the couch. "You're the thing in my life that isn't hockey. I like coming home to you and letting some of it go."
"But you didn't want to come home to me." She accuses.
"Again, what? HarperI feel like we're talking about different things!" Now the desperation is turning to anger. We spent two full weeks apart, not speaking, because she interpreted things in such an isolated way.
"After the assist celebration, you texted that you weren't coming home."
"Not because I didn't want to!" I almost yell, this conversation is frustrating me to no end. "Felix had the starting line over for movies. We slept over because by the time we got through two it was the middle of the night. Then when I came home the next morning you were gone."
"Because I didn't think you wanted me there."
"That couldn't be further from the truth." I tell her quietly as I move closer to her on the sofa. "Harper, I want you all the time."
She blinks her brown eyes at me and I reach forward and finally cradle her cheek in my palm. She leans into the touch and warmth travels from our connection through my entire body. "Why did you run?"
Her eyes flutter closed and she sighs. I wait as she gathers herself, watching the twitch of her eyelashes, the slight tremble in her fingers.
"I wanted to be the one to leave for once." Her eyes open to mine and I see a deep well of sadness in them. This girl has been hurt. By past boyfriends for sure, but this feels like something more.
"How did it feel to leave?" I ask.
"Terrible," she laughs sadly and I smile. "But I think that's because you're different."
"We've established that I'm better than any other boy you've dated."
“Wes calls you mymanfriend.”
I laugh. “I like that.”
"I do too.” She smiles down at her lap. “But I mean, my mom too." She looks at me for a beat, trying to decide if this is a safe place to talk about her mother. I keep my face as neutral as possible. Encouraging her to continue by not rattling her. "Everything she’s done in her life has been in pursuit of security."
"Security?"
"Yeah, she scammed men into relationships. They'd buy her things and give her a home and then she'd squirrel away money and find a new mark. Sometimes I was a part of the process but other times she'd go after married men who would get her an apartment and then she'd basically hide me in a spare bedroom."
"Harper, that's horrible."
She shrugs, "I've had a lot of time to process it. She did the best she could. But it made me set on providing for myself. She went from man to man in a transactional way. I never wanted that. I wanted a true partnership. So I've spent the last decade going from man to man to try and find the one."
"I get that, but I still don't understand why you left."
"Well, every other guy has left me. So when I thought that you didn't want to celebrate your achievements with me I decided that I wasn't going to wait around for you to leave me."
"I could never leave you." I tell her as I drag my knuckles up her shin. I need the contact.
"You say that now, but,"
"No. Harper.” I cut her off sternly. “I have been away from home since I was a teen. I've been passed off from one team to the next. And while I can say I didn't take it personally because it was for work, for a game, it still stung. It hurt. The difference is that I shut down.
"I didn't want to let anyone in. I wanted to do the job and leave. I didn't make friends, I didn't connect with the team or anyone outside of it. I isolated myself.
"But here, with you, it's different. With this team it's different. I care about you so deeply. I'm not totally sure what to do with all this feeling."
Now it's her turn to reach for me. She presses her palm over my scar and I pile my hand on top of it. My eyes close as her palm measures the rapid drum of my heartbeat. I breathe in through mynose and when the air has filled my lungs I let it out slowly and look at Harper.
"I love you." I repeat the words I confessed to her voicemail yesterday. The urge to scream them at her nearly takes over.
