Page 17 of The Thorne at My Side
Because as annoying as she can be, I’ve gotten used to her being around. Her presence makes me feel less lonely.
???
I settle into bed and take out my SMS Connect phone. TalkShopGirl and I have exchanged so many different messages over the last two months and I really love ending my day with her. Her emotional presence soothes my frayed edges.
I think back over the course of today’s events. The AI Media announcement, the workshop where I first saw Maggie, then feeling sparks fly during the podcast recording. I’m definitely attracted to her but I don’t think it’s mutual. After all, she’s the one who hypothesized killing me slowly with poison.
Plus the whole point of signing up for SMS Connect is to form an emotional bond, not a physical one. I enrolled because I want to truly connect with someone. I’d be tossing all these messages off a cliff if I focused only on how attracted to Maggie I am. I want to find a person who will be a true partner to me.
When Elle and I were talking earlier I started thinking aboutDad’s wives over the years. He has made jokes that by my age he was already on his third wife and I need to get my first one out of the way. Like marriage is the same as getting a flu shot.I didn’t take the time to explain that I want more than a pretty face and hot body. There is a small and petty part of me that hopes TalkShopGirl isn’t hot. Just to show everyone that I truly connect with a woman for reasons besides her looks.
I already know I’ll find her beautiful no matter what she looks like.
I don’t know why Mom, Laura, stayed around. She could have pushed us kids away on some nanny or to boarding schools but she didn’t. She raised us and made sure that our dad was in the picture. She never talked badly about him, well in front of us at least.
Mom never remarried either. I’m not sure why. Did she still love my dad? Was it just more challenging with a daughter and step-son around?
She is the best woman I’ve ever met, besides her daughter, and she deserves so much more than what my dad gave her.
I huff out a breath and decide to go for broke.
DCFox:I've been thinking, which might be a dangerous endeavor, but my mind keeps playing out the different scenarios for this relationship. My parents, well it's pretty complicated, but my dad is a relationship junkie. He goes all in with every new woman he meets. My step-mom, who raised me alongside my half-sister, has only been in a relationship with my dad. She jokes that he's got so many personalities that she has really been married to at least eight different men in her lifetime.
I bring this up because my sister and I were talking tonight and she asked if we'd be like him. Neither of us have been successful in romantic relationships thus far but we both agreed that we're still hopeful. So, I wanted to tell you, even if what we are doing here doesn't lead to ever-lasting love, it's teaching me how I want to be in a relationship.
How I want to be honest, and authentic. How I want to anticipate hearing from the other person. How I want to think about them throughout the day. How I want them to see the best version of me, believe in that version of me, even when I'm at my worst.
Maggie's face flashes in my mind and I set the phone down for a second. I really hate the person I became with her today. I felt compelled to be right, to win, to make her understand my point of view. It was too easy to let the condescending side of me loose. I hate that in my pursuit of winning, I made her feel small.
While I appreciate that this text-only format lets me plan my words to you, I worry that the off-the-cuff me, the one who is driven by competitiveness and pride, is wildly different. That if we meet in person I won't be able to separate the two.
And, maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse assuming that we'll meet someday, but after the day I've had, I needed to share the side of me that isn't as charming and light-hearted. Maybe this device is making me feel braver than I really am. I’m not sure I would ever say this face to face to a woman I’m wooing. Butwho knows, maybe, hopefully, once I see your face I’ll feel differently.
I send her the message and quickly power off the phone. I face the window and stare at the drawn curtains waiting for any drowsiness to come. It doesn't. My mind only races with the events of the day.
Brinkley rolls over and settles in next to my calves and the microdose of connection to another living creature settles me. I close my eyes and focus on the warmth of him and slowly drift off to sleep.
???
I wake up to the sounds of Elle making breakfast. The blender whirrs with some greens and protein concoction she always makes. When I pull back the covers the SMS Connect phone slides to the floor. I wince as I hear the device crash on the hardwood.
Shit.
I quickly pick it up and turn it over in my hands. It’s fine. With an inhale I perch on the edge of my bed and read the message from TalkShopGirl.
TalkShopGirl:It's amazing that we were both in a melancholy mood yesterday. Maybe that's the wrong word but I got home after a long day and wanted to talk to you but also felt strange bringing my troubles to our exchange. I have to admit that while I feel bad you were feeling blue, it brought a smile to my face that we can now be more open with each other in this way.
Before I got your message, I looked at this little gray rectangle for a while and imagined who you might be, what you might have been doing.
I wanted to ask you if you've ever been so flustered that you couldn't think straight. This happened to me yesterday. I had every opportunity to put this jerk in his place but whenever I tried to respond the words just weren't there.
So as I sat in my comfy spot last night watching James Bond, I wanted to know how you would have responded. I wanted to know what you thought of this problem I'm facing. I wanted to know, well, you.
And without knowing who you are I still feel like I know you, and I am glad to know another part of you. There is a lot of pressure to perform when you first meet someone and that isn't my comfort zone. I like to be prepared. I like to know what's going to happen. And when I'm faced with uncertainty I freeze.
But in these messages I get the chance to write out what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, and it feels less risky. But maybe this is the biggest risk I've taken yet.
I smile as I read, pride and confidence shining through, because it feels like TalkShopGirl and I jumped off the cliff together, hand-in-hand.
