Page 105 of A Palace of Smoke & Mirrors
Rage.His golden eyes were glowing with the power of a thousand suns across a thousand different galaxies. But there wasn’t even a glimmer of hatred in a single one, and the emotion was so strong it left no room for pain to share space in that moment.
For once, I didn’t debase him by asking what he meant.
I sucked in a deep breath through my mouth, letting his hand fall out of mine as I lifted my arms and wrapped them both around my torso in a feeble act of self-comfort. “I can’t.”
“You can’t?”
My shoulders rose and fell with enough force to send a twinge shooting down my spine. Heart pounding steadily in my chest, I met Lucais’s eyes and resisted the urge to fall into them and burn myself alive. “It won’t matter either way now. I can’t be both the High Lady of the Court of Darkness and the High Queen of Faerie, can I?”
I knew the answer was no. He knew that, too. Morgoya was in charge of the Court of Light, which meant that even Lucais himself couldn’t claim both roles. The High Mother wouldn’t allow it. Regardless, I needed to say it out loud, and he needed to acknowledge that he heard it.
Lucais hesitated, resisting something, and then seemed to decide it was inevitable, so he shook his head grimly. “No. No, you cannot.”
Mouth pressed into a hard line, I shrugged expectantly. “Then there really isn’t any point in hurting both of us by pretending we could even have a future together.”
The High King’s eyes were conflicted. After a moment, he said, “You could just be the High Queen.” I must have looked as confused as I felt because he added, “The crown supersedeseverything else. If you accepted the mating bond and the throne beside mine, the Court of Darkness would—or at least it should, under normal circumstances—be forced to leave you alone and look for your replacement amongst the other dark faeries.”
The crown supersedes everything else.
“Lucais…” My brows twitched, head swimming with a sudden heat that intensified my puzzlement and that tiny little bit of hope I felt pulsing inside of my chest. I squashed it beneath my mental boot, because if the Court of Darkness didn’t kill me, that emotion certainly would. Blinking through my disorientation, I said, “But this means that Blythe is dead, doesn’t it? Whatever is in the lapsus killed her and consumed the rest of the Court.”
And then showed me what it wanted me to let loose upon the rest of the unsuspecting world.
“Yes,” Lucais said slowly. He didn’t have to literally read my mind to understand where it was headed. “The second most powerful dark faerie is a gamble, but it’s worth taking if it means that you stay here.”
“I don’t think you understand.” I bit my lip, feeling very much like the pot calling the kettle black. “There is no way a sane individual is walking out of that Court. You’ll have a wildcard on your hands, and there’s no guarantee you’ll win favour with the Unseelie Court.”
The High King made a very handsome portrait of denial personified.
“It’s a maze, Lucais. A literal maze filled with nightmares at every turn. I’ve been on horror trains and haunted houses at theme parks that seem like a baby animal petting zoo compared to what’s happening in there. You said that the thing in the lapsus is reliving the same moment in time over and over again. Like it’s being repeatedly shocked by electricity. Ifeltlike that when I was inside it, but it pulled me beyond the lapsus. I wasinsidethe Court, and it’s filled with…” I trailed off, my skin prickling as it turned ice-cold.
The visions and memories from the time I spent as a prisoner of the shadows were still murky, but they’d left me with an empty, hollow feeling and the remnants of fear so profuse it was leaching into my bones.
“Caenim,” he finished for me gently. A severe, kindred warmth blazed in his eyes as they bore into mine. “And monsters that do terrible things. I know, my love.” Lucais took a step towards me and softly cupped my face in his hands. The expression on his own face ran through me, piercing my soul. “I heard you screaming. I think some of the splinters of those screams are still lodged in my heart.” His throat bobbed. “One day, I am going to butcher every single one of the abominations inside of that Court who dared to reveal their ghastly selves to you. But you don’t have to go back for that.”
My chest pulled against a flare of desperation. “What if I don’t even wantyouto go back for that?”
He shrugged, a smile ghosting his lips. “No matter. I’ll drag them from your nightmares and execute them here in the bailey for you instead.”
Tears burned at the backs of my eyes, but they didn’t spring to life. I was choking on emotion, utterly devastated by the look on his face. My bottom lip wobbled as my mouth opened to speak, heart flipping while I watched Lucais tracking the movement, concern and desire flaring in the golden oasis of his eyes. He was giving up the charade, letting the game play out to a deadlock, and I couldn’t stand it. It would destroy me, and that would then ultimately destroy him. If I had any sense at all—
When he moved to close the last sliver of distance between us, I jumped backwards, ripping myself out of his touch as though I were a frightened animal. Irritation crossed over hisface like a cloud chased by resolve, and I tripped over my voice as I hastened to interrupt him.
“I need you to be mean again,” I blurted, holding a hand up between us for pause. If he reached me, the game was over, and the both of us would surely lose.
He faltered a step. “I’m sorry?”
“Tell me…” I glanced around hopelessly for support, but we were alone in the courtyard. “Tell me I’m not your type,” I implored. “I have too much meat on my bones. Say that I’m stupid, and half-brained, and…”
The tears that wouldn’t fall burned like a house fire inside of my skull, the smoke clouding my mind and strangling my throat. I wracked my brain for all of the horrible, vicious insults he had hurled at me since we met, but none of them stood a chance against the way he was looking at me inside the cocoon of that moment.
“Why?”
My knees trembled. “Because,” I whined, my voice cracking. “That was all I had, Lucais. In the bookstore. That cabin in the Court of Light. At the House.” I swept my tongue against the roof of my mouth, throat clenching as I forced down the lump in it. The truth trulycaned. “That was all there was between us, and without it, I’m—” I broke off.
His head twitched ever so slightly to one side. “You’re what?”
“Tell me you hate me,” I demanded, taking another step back.
