Page 12 of Anders and the Girl Worth Fighting For
Divorce.
The word fell like a rock and filled the room despite not even being said out loud. At least we didn’t have children. A wave of familiar sadness filled me at that thought. It was good that we didn’t have children, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I’d wasted so many years hoping for something that would never be with a man who had no regard for me. I could see that much now. He didn’t love me. He didn’t care for me. He probably never did.
I picked up my phone, disconcerted by the calm that had blanketed me. There is literally only one person on earth that I could call now. Bill or death had robbed me of everyone else.
“Grace? Hey!” my cousin Jessica said as she picked up the phone.
“I need your help. I have no one else.” I probably shouldn’t skip basic greetings, but I worried that if I didn’t get it out immediately, I wouldn’t be able to get it out at all.
“Please tell me you’re finally leaving that no-good husband of yours,” she said with a small note of hope in her voice. I wasn’t surprised. Jessica had never been a fan of Bill. Now that I think of it, Bill had always found some way to block me from spending too much time with her, likely afraid she would turn me against him. Shame washed through me at how weak I had been, lettinghim control me and never questioning it.
“I’m leaving him,” I confirmed.
“Finally. I’m sorry it’s come to this and that you have to go through this, but I’m so glad you’re finally getting out. Tell me how to help, and I will.” She didn’t hesitate. My chest seized, stuttering my breath as a tear slid down my face. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t realize until then just how much loneliness had been a constant companion in my marriage.
“I need a job and somewhere to live,” I said. I knew I couldn’t survive without income of my own. I hadn’t really had a job before, but maybe there would be something out there for me to do. “He can have the house. It’s not really home, anyway.” It wasn’t until I said those words that I knew it was true. This house was never really a home. It was just another thing I had fooled myself into believing all these years.
“Does he know you’re leaving, or is this a clandestine mission?” I laughed at her words. I could almost see her wagging her eyebrows as she said it.
“Clandestine. Definitely. He’s gone for a week. I know that’s not enough time, but I need to at least have a plan.”
“A week isn’t much time, but you are in luck. I might know a place to get you both a job and an apartment. Aren’t I amazing?” She sounded pleased with herself and I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped me at how ridiculous she was. “I’ll come get you tomorrow. I need to get in touch with my accountant and see what we can figure out.”
By the time I finished the call, determination and acceptance replaced any fear I’d had about this plan. Maybe I’d been slowly grieving the end of my marriage for a long time and now they only thing left was to move on. I decided not to probe too closely at that and instead wrote a list of things I couldn’t leave behind.
Sure enough, Jessica had exactly what I needed. Bless this woman. I’m not ashamed to say that I wept as I stood in my new apartment. It was tiny and old, but it was mine. The signed papers were in hand two days after I called Jessica, which left five days to move everything I needed before Bill came home.
“I can’t believe you found me a job and an apartment all at once,” I said for the fifth time as I swept the floor. It had clearly not been lived in recently and desperately needed a good cleaning… and maybe some paint.
“To be fair, he didn’t really have this place listed for rent. I think he bought it because he wanted somewhere to sleep when he worked late, but he’s too old for that kind of schedule now.” Jessica worked on a cluster of cobwebs in the corner, balancing badly on the three-legged stool we found in the closet.
“Whatever the reason, it’s a miracle,” I said. I barely believed in God anymore. Maybe I didn’t believe in him at all, but I knew a miracle when I saw one and wasn’t ashamed to admit it.
“That it is.” Jessica got down her from stool and took a turn around the room looking for more cobwebs.
I gave up sweeping for the moment and opened the small bathroom to take stock of what needed to be done in there. The stench hit me first. “We’re going to need more cleaning supplies,” I said as I plugged my nose and ventured into the small room. The room was in complete disarray. I didn’t blame Mr. Jones for giving up on the place. At least, now I knew why the rent was so low. An animal had clearly made its home here. Under the grime, though, I saw potential in the large claw food tub, pedestal sink, and what I hoped was a functional toilet. Even with the prospect of having to evict the furry tenants andscrub this room, my hope only grew the longer I spent in the space.
This wasmyplace. Mine and only mine. I was safe here. I couldn’t wait to move in.
Once I thoroughly scrubbed the bathroom and cleared out the family of rats that had taken up residence in the small cupboard, the rest of the move went smoothly. I didn’t take too much from my old house, Bill’s house, but I needed enough to get set up in my new home. Bill wouldn’t miss the guest bed or the pots and pans. He never entered those rooms, anyway. I cleared my side of the closet and brought my vanity, complete with Anders’s letters, to my new home.
It took four days after Bill was supposed to come home before the call I had been dreading finally came through. Bill was back, and he knew I was gone.
I desperately wanted to avoid the call, but I knew I had to deal with this and say the words to him. I didn’t have to tell him where I was though, that was my information and my information alone.
“Hello, Bill,” I said in my most detached and polite voice, one I had honed over the years. It was one I knew would placate him. My body tensed for a fight. I understood now why my spine tried to escape my lower back whenever he was around. It didn’t matter that this was a phone call. Knowing it was him on the phone put me on high alert. I paced to give that energy somewhere to go.
“Grace!” He almost sounded genuinely concerned. “I’m so glad that you’re alive. Where have you been? I’ve been soworried about you since I got back two days ago.” I could detect the fake note in his voice, though. I’m sure he used it so many times with me, but it was almost like admitting to myself who he was, had changed my view of him and it would never go back to the delusion I’d held before.
“Bill, I want a divorce,” I said, my tone still flat and emotionless. I had practiced my lines with Jessica while we moved my stuff in so I wouldn’t be fumbling with what to say and how to say it. “I’ve contacted my grandma’s old lawyer and the papers will be served to you soon.” Despite my neutral tone, my pacing increased as I waited for his response.
“What?” He sounded like I had slapped him. Good. “Grace. Baby. What happened?” He dropped his voice into what I assumed he thought was a sexy and enticing tone. “Come home and we can talk about this.”
“No, Bill. My lawyer will send over the papers.” I held firm. I knew if I veered off course and answered any of his questions, he would just turn this into a fight and I was done fighting with him.
“Is this about the necklace?” He demanded. Gone was the placating and cajoling tone. “Look, I know I messed up there. I couldn’t stop thinking about it while I was gone and I’m going to make it right. I’ll get it back for you. I promise.” So he did do something with it.
I can do this. Don’t respond. Just stick to the script.I took a deep breath before responding, pushing down my desire to question him about the necklace again.
