Page 48 of Duke's Daring Bookworm
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say anything. The path from that place words lived in my brain to my mouth was severed, and I couldn’t find the pieces to put it back together again. I blinked at him, his features out of focus and blurred, but nothing worked.
I lifted my hands to wipe my tears, remembering that they existed too late. They were shaking. When had they started doing that?
“Come on.” His gentle hand enveloped mine. Despitemy overwhelmed state, the touch was soothing instead of overstimulating. Just my hand. Just warmth and steadiness. Just an anchor when I felt adrift.
Duke held the car door open for me. It was the Bronco. Orange. Just like my shirt. Just like the light behind my eyes when I closed them to turn off one of my senses to gain control of the storm raging inside me.
I curled into the seat and focused on breathing until I stopped shaking so badly. Duke said nothing for a long time, letting me have this silence, this peace. The car smelled like him, like warmth, sunny days, and childhood fun—like home.
Eventually, I found the connection to my voice again. What would I say, though? He caught me fleeing the grocery store like a madwoman, sobbing as if someone died.
“I’m sorry,” we said at the same time. My eyes popped open. “What do you have to be sorry for?”
“I—nothing. Just sorry for whatever you’re going through.” Duke raised his hand like he wanted to touch me but didn’t. I wasn’t sure if I should be grateful for that or not. My senses were still too much from the intense stimulation of the store, and I didn’t know if it would hurt if he touched me right now.
“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” He spoke so quietly, as if he was afraid to break me again, or maybe he knew, somehow, that I needed the quiet.
I stared at him, trying to decide how much to say. I didn’t want to scare him away, but I needed my best friend right now and despite everything else, he was still that.
“I had to go grocery shopping,” I said eventually. The floodgates opened with that, and I couldn’t stop myself from saying more, from revealing it all. “Everything wastoo much and I’m hungry, but I can’t go back in there. I can’t go shopping. I’m useless. Useless. I can’t even feed myself.” My chest heaved with the weight of admitting this. I’d scarcely allowed myself to think about it.
Duke sat silently as a sob escaped me, followed closely by another and another, flooding the space between us.
So much for dignity.
“The world isn’t made for me, and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last in it,” I admitted when I could breathe without shaking. My words were watery and small, and I couldn’t believe I’d actually shared them.
“Oh.” It was all Duke said and my heart broke. I wished he said more, or maybe nothing at all. Would it be better for him to pretend I said nothing? Would that make this hole in me where those words lived any better? Would I feel less naked and afraid?
“Listen to me, Lily,” he said, breaking the prolonged silence. “You are not useless. You inspire me every day. You are strong and wonderful. You call me on my shit. You keep me grounded and honest. I wouldn’t be me without you.”
He raised his hand again, and this time I nodded at him. He touched my cheek softly at first before settling it on me, heavy and warm.
“Whenever the world is too much, I’m right here. Whatever you need. I’ll get it. Whatever you can’t do, I’ll do it.” He brushed a tear from my cheek.
“Is that your billionaire superpower?” I asked to ease some of the seriousness and regain a semblance of control over myself.
“Damn straight it is. You never want to go shopping again? Done. I’ll order you a meal kit service or a delivery service. Hell, I can hire a personal assistant for you to do allyour errands for you. Just”—his voice shook—“just stay in this world. Let me create one built just for you.”
Duke’s thumb still traced my tears, wiping away the new ones that fell while he spoke. If I could taste emotions, they would probably taste complex, like hope and shame and desire and love and pain all rolled into one.
I couldn’t speak. I just nodded my head and closed my eyes. I leaned against the headrest and breathed. Duke never took his hand from my face. He just held it there, holding me together, keeping me in this world.
“I’m still hungry,” I said when I’d calmed enough to register my body again. “I think I ate yesterday and then work was busy and my boss kept interrupting me and I didn’t eat today.”
“My place or the drive thru?” I appreciated that none of the options required that I leave this vehicle and endure the public again.
“Drive thru. I need fries, chicken nuggets, and a vanilla milkshake.”
“Protein, carbs, and fats. Excellent choice.” He pulled his hand away and despite the warm day, my cheek was cold without it there. Logically, I knew he needed it to drive, but I wished I could just keep it there. Just a little longer. Maybe forever.
I tore into my food before we even left the parking lot of the restaurant, dipping a fry into my shake and shoving it into my mouth like a starving mad woman—which, I guess, I was.
They had the best milkshakes made with real ice cream. Something about the contrast between the hot, salty fries and the cold, sweet milkshake always filled the hole in my heart and belly.
I didn’t realize I had moaned until I caught sight of Dukeshaking his head at me, his mouth twitching like he held back a smile. He grabbed one fry and popped it in his mouth, sans shake.
Some people were crazy and there was nothing I could do about it.
