Page 69 of Saving Sparrow
For once I took the lead, unable to wait them out any longer. “You were having sex.” I recognized what it was. There were sex scenes in some of the fantasy books Miguel and I read together. I tended to skip past them because they filled me with shame. But that was different.Thiswas different. What I walked in on wasn’t the type of sex condoned by God. It was the kind the Bible condemned.
“Consensual sex,” Miguel said. “It’s my fault he didn’t stop when you showed up. I couldn’t think of the right word.”
“The right word?” I was so confused. Hurt and scared by my own thoughts but mostly confused.
“Para.That’s what I’m supposed to say when Ireallywant him to stop. Sorry,” he said to Quentin.
“That’s why we created the backup plan,” Quentin replied.
“Yeah, I know.” Miguel sounded frustrated with himself.
“Backup plan?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Quentin answered. “We’ve got a code for when his mouth is full of—”
“Quentin,” Miguel cut in under his breath.
“I mean, when he can’t talk. You know, because it’s too good or whatever.”
Miguel groaned, covering his face with his palms, and Quentin seemed to genuinely not know what he’d said wrong.
“Anyway, if he can’t say the safe word, he taps me twice on the hip. So, it’s consensual, like he said.”
I felt something surfacing in me, making my stomach queasy. They may have cleared up the consent part—mostly—but I was still confused as towhy. Why were they doingitin the first place? “T-this is wrong…” My words sounded weak because I wanted it to be right. I wantedhimto be wrong. “H-he said it was wrong.”That I was wrong.
“We’ve gotta get the devil out of you, boy.”
I squeezed my eyes shut until those words vanished from my mind, then focused on Miguel again.
“Who said that?” he asked gently.
“Yeah, who?” Quentin seemed upset, but I knew it was with the world outside of this room, not with me. I was upset with the world too. It hadn’t been fair to me. To any of us.
“It’s not wrong.” His tone was much softer now, probably because of my tears. “Loving someone isn’t wrong, no matter who they are. Whoever told you that lied. They’re just as bad as Dickhead-Delaney and the homophobe punks he hangs out with.”
“B-but you were doing more than loving each other. You’re… h-he…” I couldn’t stop stumbling over my words. Too many thoughts were jumbled up in my head all at once.
“We wouldn’t be doing what we were doing if we didn’t love each other, pretty girl. I’m not that kind of guy.” Neither his joke nor his pretend smile made me feel better.
“He… He said…” My body felt jittery. Quentin knelt in front of me, wiping my tears away. His touch was gentle, his proximity overwhelming yet somehow comforting.
“Who’s he?” Quentin asked. “Your dad?”
I jerked when Miguel tucked my hair behind my ear. I hadn’t noticed him kneeling to the right of me.
“It doesn’t matter who said it,” Quentin continued when I just stared instead of giving him an answer. “What matters is what you think. Doyouthink it’s wrong?” He looked hurt, and I hadn’t even confirmed ordenied yet. I realized everything would change if I didn’t give the right answer.
“Submit yourselves, therefore, to God. Resist the devil, and he shall flee from you.”
I looked toward the closet, to where the gowns and slips I often wore hung. I thought about the things I kept hidden at the back of my mind—the lies and all the secrets. I thought about one day in particular a long, long time ago. The day that led to the worst years of my life, when I’d already believed life couldn’t get any worse. I’d never been good at resisting the devil. Not then, and not now.
“I don’t understand,” I breathed.
“We can explain, Ellie. Whatever you want to know.” Miguel leaned in, kissing my cheek before taking hold of my hand and Quentin’s.
“Yeah,” Quentin said, cupping the side of my neck. My every breath was filled with their scent, my vision consumed with the sight of them, my body buzzing from their touch. They were in and around me, overtaking me. I never wanted to live without this feeling. I never wanted to live without them. How could this be wrong? How couldtheybe wrong?
I needed them to explain it all, every detail. I wanted to understand because maybe thenIwould feel less wrong.
