Page 179 of Saving Sparrow
“That’s an odd question for this time of night. Wouldn’t you rather go back to bed?”
“Humor me first.”
Sparrow’s silence almost tempted me to look up, but I kept my gaze on the snow, not ready to meet his physical pain again. “It’s hard to explain.”
“Try,” I whispered. “Please try.” I could’ve sworn I heard him swallow.
“There are internal cues, subtle shifts in mood that dictate who wants to front.”
“Can you hold them back?”
“Yes, but eventually they become more persistent. Holding them back on top of managing everything and everyone within the system can be…”
“Exhausting,” I said when he didn’t. “You once said you recorded the alters.”
“I did. Where is this—”
“You studied them, tailored their environments to satisfy their needs. That way they remain content in their prisons.” And if at any time they did want out, their anxiety triggered his return.
Sparrow eased me around by my shoulder, and I closed my eyes, still not ready to meet his. “Look at me. Please,” he breathed. I could never resist his politeness. “Why are you saying all this?” He looked like he needed to be comforted.
“It’s nothing. Just thinking about things while I waited for you to come back.” I kissed him, resting my hands on his hips. I’d avoided his back, but he winced anyway. What else had Abraham done to him?
“What’s wrong?” I tried to keep my emotions off my face.
“I slipped getting out of the shower. Hurt my back and my hip.”
“Let me see it.”
“It’s nothing serious, just some bruising.”
“I want to see it anyway.” I stepped around him, lifting his shirt.
“I said it’s not serious!” He spun away, hissing in pain, but not before I spotted the bandages.
“I’ve seen you in pain like this before.” My mind flashed to us having breakfast together for the first time. “You rejected my concern then, too.” I also thought back to the early days of my being here, of smelling arnica on him. He smelled like it now, like the balm Quentin used on Elliott to reduce bruising and swelling after a spanking.
“It may be a rare occurrence for you to get hurt, but getting hurt is all I know. I don’t need you to make a big deal out of it.” He played on my compassion, hoping the reminder of all he’d been through would get me to let it go. It would’ve worked had I not met Abraham.
“Who’s the occasional visitor you once mentioned? And why do you call them that?”
“That’s none of—”
“I don’t think there is such a thing as an occasional visitor. There may be alters who front more than others, alters who you fight less than others, but they’re all a part of the system.” I took a wild guess that Sparrow didn’t like Abraham and that he was likely the main contributing factor for Sparrow’s constant exhaustion. It couldn’t be easy holding him back, couldn’t be easy living with the physical pain Abraham caused him.
“Are you the expert onthe systemnow, Miguel?” His sarcastic tone was meant to dissuade me, to make me less confident in my assessment.
“No, I’m not. But I know you can’t keep living like this, Sparrow.”
“What do you mean? There’s nothing wrong with the waywe’reliving. We’re safe here.” He’d said “we’re” with emphasis. Either as a reminder that I was his captive, or in denial about where we were headed. Maybe both. “Miguel?” He’d paled at my silence.
“How close is the system to another break?”
“It’s fine. What happened before won’t happen again.”
“Whatexactlyhappened before?” I knew a lot, but there were still so many gaps. Sparrow stepped away. “You didn’t hurt your back getting out of the shower, did you?”
“I told you—”
