Page 38 of Only the Small Bones
He moved over to the violin stand, fingers gliding over the scroll and peg box before making their way down to the bridge. He glanced at me with such longing that the minor repair made to my heart threatened to undo itself.
“I’ll teach you,” I promised. “I’ll teach you everything I know.”
He nodded, picking the instrument up and hugging it to his chest.
“Keep it,” I said when he set it down again. He shook his head, but I insisted. “Really, keep it. I was holding it for someone, but…” It was my turn to shake my head, not wanting to go downthatroad. “It’s yours.” My voice was rough with emotion as I made the decision for him.
He nodded his gratitude before collecting both the instrument and bow, staring at me like he had so much to say.
“Goodnight,” I said. “Or good morning, I guess.”
He glanced back once he got to the door, his expression soft and reassuring. It made being in there alone, after he walked out on me, not feel so bad.
William
I assumed things would be weird between us after that. At the very least, I believed Ryan would avoid me for the rest of the day. But when I entered the living room that afternoon, he was there, idly plucking his violin strings while gazing at the dark clouds in the sky.
“Hey,” I whispered, my voice unrecognizable from sleep. He hadn’t startled, which meant he’d heard my approach. He took a deep breath before he faced me.
We watched each other from across the vast space, his intense disposition and the dismal weather setting the tone in the room. It felt like we were balancing on a knife’s edge.
“Are you okay?” I asked. “Areweokay?”
He didn’t so much as blink an affirmative.
“Do you regret what happened?” I decided not to skirt around what took place in the studio. We hadn’t kissed, we’d barely even touched, but it was the most intimate and vulnerable I’d ever felt with anyone. The sweet, dark scent of him stalked me in my dreams. Even now, I could feel the baby soft texture of his curls on my fingertips.
“I don’t regret it,” I added, choosing to be brave. “But I’m worried that I hurt or triggered you, maybe?” Although he’d initiated it, my nearness hadn’t come without sacrifice on his part. The caress of my nose along his skin had been wordlessly asked for, but I couldn’t deny the erotic element of the act. It had affected him.
The image of his hard length pushing toward mine filled my head until I ordered it away. Still, with all he’d been through, I couldn’t help wondering if I’d caused him more mental harm. I thought about the scars on his body, then some of the words he’d shouted at me on paper.
Burned!
Slave!
Cut!
Broken!
“You have to communicate how you feel, or felt, about it. You can’t leave me guessing. Not about this.” I scanned the coffee table, and then the kitchen behind me for a notepad. I’d purchased too many for one to not be laying around. I spotted one on the counter near the stove, and thought about getting it, but then I’d have to take it to him. I didn’t want to get too close until I knew it was okay to.
“Damn it, Ryan. Nod, or shake your head, or cut a hand through the air…Something. Just let me know you’re okay.”
The muscles in his jaw ticked. He looked so pale in the sunless room. A marble statue under a mass of inky hair. The fitted tank he wore covered the roadmap of horrors along his chest, but it exposed his broad shoulders and the supple flesh I’d had the pleasure of scenting. The loose jeans had holes at the knees, and his toes peeked out from the baggy hemline. Ryan was tempting, even now, and I felt horrible for noticing at a time like this.
Circling the couch, I flopped onto it, sinking into the pillows and scrubbing my hands over the scruff on my face. I needed a strong cup of coffee. “What are we doing here?” I whispered to myself, throwing an arm over my eyes. I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t take how my feelings were changing and deepeningwhen he could never be mine, when making him mine shouldn’t be the goal. It confused the hell out of me. I had a hard time remembering why I’d brought him here to begin with, because my reasons for keeping him here were less clear than they were before.
Damn Xavier for forcing me to see the truth. I felt selfish. Maybe I’d always been.
I’d slept in shorts, so the sudden brush of denim against my bare shins gave me goosebumps.
Lowering my arm to the cushion, I opened my eyes to find Ryan standing above me. I didn’t blink. Couldn’t stop my heart from racing and tripping over itself, because all my energy went into remembering how to breathe.
Ryan sank onto the coffee table, setting his violin beside him. I wanted to sit up. I wanted to inch forward until my knees touched his, but I couldn’t run the risk of pushing him away.
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he maintained eye contact with me. Lifting a hand up, Ryan tugged the strap of his tank off his shoulder. The movement slow, adding a sensuality to it, the tight fabric made a tearing sound as it stretched.
I dug my fingers into the cushions to keep them off of him, waiting for his next move.
