Page 91 of Only the Small Bones
“I was a favorite because I didn’t scream.” He bit his quivering lip and wrapped his arms around me, his mouth now close to my ear. I squeezed him tight, feeling the pain in my heart spread to other parts of my body. “I lost count of how many nights I wished I could go back to the monster who had me before.” His words were labored, and it tore me apart to make him relive his worst nightmares. I came close to stopping him, but as hard it was, it also seemed like something he needed.
“But being a favorite didn’t mean all that much, because I was sold over and over again. No one kept me. No one ever keeps me,” he whispered. His words triggered a memory, taking me back to another promise I hadn’t kept.
“I’ll keep you.”
I gently urged him off of me so I could stand. I needed room to break, needed to get down on my knees to tell him once again how sorry I was for what happened to him. No matter howmany times I said it, though, unrest remained deep inside of me, like I would never be free of this burden. Like we’d both been condemned to live a hollow existence because of it.
“I spent days getting lost in those woods before someone stumbled across me. I thought you were dead. I thought…” I paused to take a breath. “I sent help. I told them about the ship, about the truck, about Declan and the others. Too much time had passed, though. Everyone was gone. It was like it never happened. They never caught them, but I tried. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…” I cradled my head in my hands, feeling myself sink, unable to cope with the constant ache.
Asher got to his feet, trying to hold me up, but we were both too broken in that moment. We sank to the floor, both of us crying and holding each other. My fingers ached with how hard I gripped him. The terror of him being taken away from me, of losing him, was still fresh after all these years.
“Once I’d decided to deal with our past, all the anger and bitterness rushed to the surface,” he whispered in my ear. “I couldn’t make it go away. It had never really gone away to begin with, but it became easier to ignore when I started feeling… different feelings for you.” He let out a ragged breath. “Tonight, I tried hugging you and kissing you like I had so many times before. Nothing worked. It only reminded me of what you’d done, of what I thought you’d cost me. I had to get the rage out of me somehow.”
I kept my sobbing as quiet as possible, not wanting to miss a word of what he whispered to me.
“So I spoke my first words, and the more I talked the more pain you seemed to feel. It felt good at first, because I wanted someone to pay for everything that happened to me. But I realized that when you hurt, I hurt. I don’t want us to hurt anymore, William. I want us to be free.”
I froze, my tremors ceasing as I waited for what he’d say next. His heart pounded against my chest, and mine against his. Asher squeezed me tighter, nearly cutting off our air supply. His next words came out hoarse, like it took everything in him to let them go.
“It wasn’t your fault,” he said. “It was never your fault.”
I could feel my remaining chains break free, feel life bloom inside of me.
“I blamed you all these years because I needed to survive, and hating you is what kept me going. It was how I coped, the one thing that gave me the strength to go on, the hope I’d see you again one day. In the end, you were my Gargantuan. You were the one who saved me, and you keep saving me still. Now it’s my turn to save you. Let it go, William. Please, let the pain go.”
The sound of sobs echoed around the room, increasing in volume and intensity as I cried his name with a mix of sadness and gratitude. Asher squeezed his arms and legs around me, shuddering through his own release of old and weary pain.
We stayed there for as long as it took, both of us drenched in salty tears by the time we pulled back to gaze at each other.
“You wear your heart everywhere,” he breathed. “On your sleeve, in your hands, but mostly in your eyes. Just like I remembered.” He kissed the corners of them, the candlelight making his own eyes shimmer. “You look at me like I’m special. That’s how you make me feel.” He shook his head. “But you’re the special one.”
I would’ve argued with him if I could have, but I was still trying to process everything he said.
“You… You forgive me?” I whispered in a ragged breath.
“You never needed my forgiveness. We were just boys, and you did more for me than most people ever would. More than anyone ever has.”
“Y-you don’t hate me anymore?”
“I wanted to believe I hated you, especially when I first got here. You seemed to have so much, and I had nothing. But you were so sad, always so sad. I realized you hadn’t gotten off easy. It was too hard to hate you when I knew you were in just as much pain as I was. I know leaving me that day hurt you so much. Even with everything that happened to me, none of that was your fault, but you were forced to live with a choice no kid should’ve had to make.”
I took my first real breath in years. Until recently telling my mother, I’d never told anyone what I did, or what Asher meant to me. I’d been too ashamed to. I’d told the authorities about a little boy named Asher, and about the other victims I’d seen, and the names and descriptions of the people who had a hand in trafficking us. Never more than that, though. Keeping the whole truth locked inside kept me a prisoner of my past, but I’d welcomed it. Not anymore. Now I wanted to be free, and I wanted to share my freedom with Asher.
Slipping my hand up his back, past his nape and into his hair, I brought him down for a kiss. It was tender, sweet, and I savored it, feeling other parts of our bodies come to life.
“When did you know?” I asked against his lips. “When did you know it was me?”
“In the hospital room. At first I couldn’t be sure because of how foggy my head felt, and just the years we’d spent apart. You were bigger than the last time I saw you too. But then you told me about your foundation. Freedom Fighters. And the way you looked at me… I was sure of it then.”
“How did I look at you?”
“Like you were guilty. Like you’d done something wrong.”
Because I had. I couldn’t look at him without seeing him crying in that field. “You knew, and yet you came home with me anyway.”
Asher looked torn, just as torn as I imagined he felt that day. “I had no choice. You were the only thing familiar to me.”
“Why didn’t you say something then, or any time after?”
