Page 45 of Only the Small Bones
“And how does he feel?”
“The same.” I assumed anyway. Ryan hadn’t spelled out his feelings for me, but he’d more than shown them. Some of those feelings were good, and depending on the day, some not so good. I felt it beneath his soft, seeking lips every night. “It’s complicated.”
“I imagine it is,” he mused. “And now you’rehelpinghim.” He’d stressed the word as if quoting me. We were quiet then. “Did I ever tell you how my marriage ended?”
“No,” I said, clasping my hands behind me to keep from fisting them. I despised Davidson blocking my view of Ryan, especially when he seemed intent on giving me a rude awakening via a cautionary tale.
“This was during my tenure with the police department. She walked into my precinct pretty banged up. Her boyfriend had done a number on her. He’d been beating on her for years.” His jaw clenched at the memory.
“Even through all the swelling and bruises, she was beautiful. I wanted to bury the guy. We brought him in and booked him. He had a few outstanding warrants and ended up doing some time. She had nothing. She’d been completely dependent on him. I went into hero mode.” He glanced over his shoulder at Ryan as if to say I was in that mode now.
“Long story short, we fell in love. I bought her the dream house, complete with the fucking white fence, gave her the 2.5kids and a dog. The whole bit.” He lowered his voice, but it still carried over the music and hum of conversation around us.
“I gave her anything she wanted, she never had to work for anything. With what she’d gone through, I’d built a wall of protection around her instead of encouraging her to deal with her issues. It was mostly unintentional,” he admitted. “I thought I was doing the right thing. Giving her what she wanted. Keeping her safe. But part of me didn’t want her to be dependent on anyone but me. I didn’t want to lose her, but in the end, she’d only traded a shitty cage for a gilded one. But a cage is a cage, kid, and eventually your little bird will want to break free.” He let that sink in before adding, “That’s if you don’t start resenting him first, because if he’s caged, then so are you.”
“It’s not like that,” I swore, feeling his words wrap around my neck and squeeze. “He’ll get better. It takes time. He’s already more comfortable with me.”
“Withyou.” He said it in a way that didn’t make me feel so accomplished. I’d measured Ryan’s progress by the progress he’d made with me. I’d made it all about me.
“That’s great, kid.” His tone suggested the opposite.
He moved out of the way, and Ryan stood there, my mother not too far behind. He seemed pained, turmoil creating fine lines across his features. How much of Davidson’s lecture had he heard? Even the tail end of it would’ve been too much.
“Ryan,” I breathed, but he’d already made an about-turn, knocking into a server and sending the contents of his tray crashing to the floor. A collective gasp spread through the immediate area as glass broke and champagne splashed onto the people loitering nearby. My mother reached for him, but he shrank back, bumping into a table, toppling it, the silverware, and floral arrangements to the floor. He had the whole room’s attention now. Even the music came to a halt.
Flushing bright red, he ducked his head and hurried in the direction of the sanctuary rooms.
I glanced over to Davidson, whose gaze was sympathetic, but also seemed to say:He may be getting comfortable with you, but what about the rest of the world?
William
The apartment was cold when we arrived. November nights could be brutal, and I hadn’t left the heat on. Or maybe the chill came from the man in front of me. He’d been in a dark, quiet mood the whole drive home.
“He’s wrong,” I whispered into the darkness. We hadn’t turned on a single light, as though in silent agreement that illuminating our problems would only make them worse. Ryan sighed, removing his coat and slinging it over a kitchen stool before striding in the direction of the dining room. The moon and city lights illuminated his way.
I bowed my head, bracing myself for what lay before me. Discarding my coat as well, I followed his trail.
He stood at the drink cart, staring out the window with his back to me.
“His ending doesn’t have to be ours,” I said, coming up beside him. “You can stay here as long as you want, take all the time you need before making any big decisions. Our home isn’t a cage, and I’ll never resent you.”Our home.I’d said it deliberately. Did he enjoy the sound of it?
Ryan glanced over at me, the blank stare I hated so much in place. Since he never talked to me, I relied on his expressions. For now it seemed he wanted to hide from me.
He uncorked the decanter of scotch, pouring a few fingers into a tumbler before swallowing it down with a wince. I’d seen him drink once before, when he’d taken a couple of sips directlyfrom my glass. This felt different. This felt like preparation for something terrible.
He poured another, the sound of liquor spilling into the glass made my stomach tense.
“Ryan—”
He offered it to me, becoming more persistent when I shook my head. Red mahogany liquor swished around the tumbler as he shoved it into my chest.
I took it, holding his challenging gaze as I knocked it back in one go. He left me holding the glass, picking up a fresh one for himself before filling both tumblers halfway. Our eyes locked, his blazing with defiance.
“We don’t have to do this,” I said softly, but he’d already downed the contents by the time the last word got out. He exhaled the burn, then nudged the bottom of my glass until it reached my lips, not relenting until I’d ingested the last drop.
Ryan nodded his approval, then poured us another with twice the amount as the first two. This wasn’t the cheap stuff, it was potent and fast acting. My limbs were already loosening, my common sense gearing up to abandon me. The way Ryan’s eyes shone, like a star held under water, said he was experiencing the same. He wanted us reckless, I realized.
“Ryan, that’s enough,” I said when he helped himself to a fourth. He made a show of holding my stare as he inhaled it in one gulp. He dragged the back of his hand over his mouth before setting both our tumblers aside.
