Page 34 of Only the Small Bones
“Which is why everyone’s clambering at our door. Remember that.” I headed for the live room. “Mics,” I shot back. Xavier’s frustrated curse cut off once the door sealed shut. I sat on the piano bench, waiting for everything to fire up and for Xavier to give the thumbs up.
“You can’t be in there,” I heard Xavier say over the intercom. I turned on the bench as Ryan walked in.
“He’s fine.” I pressed a finger to my lips, letting Ryan know to be quiet. He studied the instruments before stopping at the violin just as he had before.
The red light above the door flashed. Xavier’s signal to start. I wouldn’t have won any awards for my skills as a pianist, but I knew enough to get by, enough to make the ending of this film something my audience-of-one would never forget. Ryan’s approval would mean everything.
I pretended to need more time in the live room than I actually did. I refused to move until Ryan finished his silent exploration.
Once we were back in the control room, I asked Xavier to rewind the ending. This time when the characters embraced, engaging in the most breathtaking kiss, I felt it deep in my core.
I turned to Ryan, trying to keep my expression neutral. I frowned at seeing his glare pinned in Xavier’s direction. My bewilderment faded when I realized why.
The atmosphere in the control room thickened, the tension awkward enough to make me shift in my seat as my gaze fell to Xavier. A level of regret I’d never reached before ate away at me. Xavier was watching me with heartbreak and longing in his eyes. He knew. Heknewwhat I’d been trying to hide from myself.
William
It was well after four in the morning when the closing credits rolled for the last time, and to my surprise we were done. I’d have to review things once more after getting some rest, but Xavier didn’t need to return for that part.
“Do you want him here?”Ryan had asked.
“No.”
Had I subconsciously worked myself to the bone so we could be alone again? I wouldn’t have stopped to eat if it wasn’t for Ryan. Had I powered through my work so we could get back to our isolated existence?
Xavier yawned, rubbing at his eyes while Ryan slept on the loveseat with his long limbs tucked under himself.
My conscience told me to ask Xavier to stay instead of allowing him to leave at this hour. It was on the tip of my tongue to do so, but then Ryan’s question replayed in my head again, and my answer hadn’t changed.No.
“Let me call you an Uber.” I pulled up the app as we stepped into the hall.
“Already done.” He slipped his jacket on. “It’ll be here in fifteen.”
Xavier looked me in the eyes. I felt as though he were digging around in my soul for some clarity. I sighed, knowing he wouldn’t leave until he’d spoken his mind.
“He doesn’t like me.” He tipped his head toward the room. Ryan didn’t need to like him, because this wasn’t about Xavier.Seemed too cruel to say that though, when I already knew this conversation would end with his feelings hurt. Until Xavier made peace with what I could give, our relationship would be overshadowed by his bitterness and my guilt.
“He can be a little standoffish.” I didn’t mention the part where Xavier made him feel cornered with his questions at dinner. That hadn’t helped. “Give him some time.”
“Time won’t help. He’ll never like me, because he knows thatIlike you.”
“What?” My disbelief turned the word into a laugh. “Are you saying—”
“That he has feelings for you? Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I recognize another man’s jealousy and possession over you when I see it, William.”
I gazed at Ryan’s sleeping form through the door’s window. “You’re wrong,” I whispered. “He’s just—”
“Used to his routine? Doesn’t like surprises? Or change?” Xavier stepped closer. “Tell me, William, is sitting in there watching the same film, over and over again for more than twelve hours, part of his daily routine?”
“I…” I had nothing to say. I felt thrown off balance, unsure if Xavier was the one confused. Ryan didn’t have feelings for me. Most days it seemed like he hated me. He’d been through a lot, refused to speak, and couldn’t stand to be touched.
Except… we did touch. At night, while I slept, and then again in his bathroom before he faced Dr. Baptiste. But that only meant he was getting comfortable with me. Right?
“You don’t even see it, do you?” Xavier said, clearly frustrated with my ignorance. “You’re so broken inside that you can’t see what’s happening right in front of you. You think so little of yourself that you can’t comprehend someone wanting you more than they want their next breath.” His own breath seemed to catch in his throat with his words. “I guess that’s part of yourcharm.” It came out low and sardonic, as though meant for himself.
“He doesn’t want me, and I don’t want him in that way. Nothing’s going on between us. I wouldn’t do that.”
He brought his steepled fingers to his lips, as though praying for patience. “Why can’t you see it’s already happening?”
