Page 32 of Only the Small Bones
Was he letting me know we were okay? That him not showing up to my room last night didn’t mean he was shutting me out?
He lowered his arm, staring at me. Suddenly Xavier’s visit was the last thing on my mind. All I could think about was how much I missed having Ryan in my bed.
“I woke up alone, your side of the bed was cold. Are you upset with me?” I regretted it the moment I said it. Implying he owned one side of my bed felt presumptuous, or like I’d gotten ahead of myself. Ryan didn’t owe me anything. Obligation or pressure were the last things he needed to feel right now. Still, I couldn’t take it back.
He kept me in suspense for a few moments before shaking his head.
“Did you sleep well?” Without thought, my gaze went to the bedpost, and so did his. There were no chains. He nodded.
“Are you sure?” I hedged, strangely feeling hurt by his answer and unable to keep the truth from spilling out. “Because I didn’t.”
Ryan tilted his head, assessing me. Did I look as desperate as I felt? As confused as I sounded? Did I owe him an apology for both? I wasn’t sure what he saw while he stared through me, but his gaze softened as he amended his previous answer, giving me the hand gesture for so-so. I shouldn’t have felt better, but I did.
I leaned against the door frame, aiming for nonchalant. “I’ve been neglecting work for weeks. For good reason,” I added, hating to see guilt overtake his expression.
“Anyway, I’ve had the final cut on a film I scored for a while now. The director has some concerns about the number of cadences used, and the register of some of the instruments in themore sentimental moments. He has some experience with music composition, which always leads to way too much feedback. It’s why I prefer working with music-illiterate directors. It allows for more artistic freedom on my part.” The speed of my speech increased, signs of an oncoming ramble. Ryan’s frown deepened.
“He wants everything to be big, dramatic. But you need to take the emotions of a scene into account, you know? How you want the audience to feel, even if they aren’t in said scene. Do the characters have any desires, where does the scene lead? Where—” I stopped when Ryan held his hand up. I’d explained all of this to him over dinner some nights ago. He’d sat riveted and appalled as I told him it was a film’s score that dictated what the audience felt. That it had little to do with the acting or dialogue.
He’d immediately made us watch three movies in succession, wanting to prove me wrong. It took everything in me not to smile when he turned shocked eyes on me after leaping in his seat at a jump scare. It hadn’t been the zombie appearing out of thin air. It was the slow build of halting, off-kilter piano keys at the highest octave that sent his heart rate into the stratosphere. It had been the music reaching its crescendo with an explosion of horns and dark notes, dominating the scene and signaling the approaching danger was now here.
Ryan motioned for me to get the point. I straightened.
“Xavier will be here soon. He’ll be here most of the day for the next few days while we hammer things out.”
His lips tightened.
“I should have mentioned it days ago, but there was a lot going on.”
Ryan climbed off the bed, his movements as graceful and fluid as water. It stunned me to think he’d been afraid of his own shadow just a month ago. He seemed nothing like the man who’d hid in the shower yesterday. With every day came a new change, a bolder Ryan in some way, even though he avoidedmaking the biggest change of all. The one that would bring him closer to being whole. With his pencil and notepad in hand, he walked over to me.
“I didn’t want to pile anything else on you,” I continued, my mouth going dry. Why was I looking at him in this way? A way that made me feel wrong, and even more of a bad person than I already felt.
He stopped a couple of feet away and began writing, then held the paper out. I squinted to read what he’d jotted down.
Do you want him here?
“Do I…wanthim here?”
Ryan nodded.
“Sure. We work together. I don’t mind having him here. It’s the perk of having an in-home studio.”
His pink lips pressed together.
What am I missing?I studied him closely. Two red blotches appeared on his cheeks. “Are you asking if I hate that he has to be here, because I wish it could just be us? You and me?”
He looked at his feet, but then peered up at me through thick lashes.
“No,” I breathed. “I don’t want him here.”
He tucked his hair behind his ear, nodding once before shooing me backward. I cleared his doorway, and he shut the door in my face. I went back to my room to get showered and dressed for the day, feeling better than I had in a while, and for once not questioning it.
I let Xavier in from upstairs to avoid a possible run-in with Ryan. It seemed best. We’d just finished going through our game plan for today’s work session when the short beep and release of the door’s keypad lock sounded.
Xavier and I looked up to find Ryan standing in the doorway. He seemed unsure of himself, or unsure of his presence in this space. His gaze asked if he was welcome.
“Come in,” I said, feeling the heat of Xavier’s disapproval at my back. Ryan let the door close behind him and looked around, studying the mounted TV displaying the opening credits of the film we were working on. “You can hang out over there while we work.” I pointed to the loveseat adjacent to us.
