Page 75 of The Caretaker
“He’s good with kids,” Deb noted, keeping our conversation hushed.
“Yeah, he used to be a teacher.” I didn’t mention Gavin. That was Solace’s story to tell.
They both studied me as I continued to ogle Solace.
“The way you are with him,” she started thoughtfully. “You were never like that with Stacey.”
“No?” I asked, turning to her.
“Never,” Leland chimed in.
“How am I with him?” We stood in a semi-circle now, and I alternated my gaze between the two of them, curious about their perspective.
“Vulnerable,” he said after much thought. “And you never looked at her the way you look at him.”
“How do I look at him?”
“Like he makes the world go round,” Deb said, tackling that answer. “And he gazes at you like nothing else matters but you.”
I glanced over to Solace again and thought she was right. He did make the world go round. My world, at least.
Deb kept going, as if she knew I needed to hear her next words. “Your love for each other is so visible and raw. It’s nauseating, if I’m being honest.”
I chuckled low enough to not be heard by the three sleeping beauties. “Nauseating?”
“Yeah,” Leland said. “Nobody wants to see that. It’s like you two are sitting there naked with all your manly bits exposed.” He feigned disgust. “I’ve seen enough of your big bits over the years.”
I elbowed him in the side, then slapped a hand over his mouth to cover his grunt. Deb got in on the action, pinching my nipple.“Ouch,”I mouthed, batting her hand away and yanking on her ponytail in retribution.
She smiled like a goofball, and I did the same.
Putting our inner children away, Leland turned serious. “You never allowed anyone to show up for you, you know. You always shouldered whatever bothered you. It made me feel useless. Like you were perfect and had it all figured out. Like I could never measure up.”
“I made you feel that way?” I asked, heart constricting. He hadn’t said thatImade him feel useless, but I couldn’t help feeling like the problem had been me anyway. Deb rested a hand on my shoulder, letting me know she was there for me.
“No,” he said. “I used to think it was you, or partly you. I eventually realized it was my own insecurities making me feel that way. It doesn’t change the fact that you suck at letting people care for you. That’s why I got so upset yesterday. You’re a great friend, and I just want to return the favor.”
Maybe that was why I hadn’t told him about what Stacey and I had been going through or, at the very least, the affair. I thought about Patrick then. He’d lost his son, and hadn’t turned to Solace for support through his grief. Maybe he’d turned to Stacey in a way I hadn’t during our failed attempts at getting pregnant. According to Solace, I’d been everything she could have needed during that hard time. Maybe I hadn’t allowed her to be everything I’d needed. It didn’t excuse the affair, but it helped to understand how it could have happened.
Things were different with Solace. I leaned on him when I wasn’t strong enough to hold myself up. And from what he’d told me, I’d been open to him in that way from the start, even during the moments when I’d put his pain first.
“I’m sorry,” I said, because regardless of his assurances, I wasn’t blameless. If he was willing to take ownership of his shortcomings, then I would own mine too.
“It wasn’t intentional,” Leland said, “and I could’ve done a better job at telling you how I felt. Being the strong one was where you found your value, it’s what gave your life meaning.But you let Solace take care of you. You let him hold your hand when the rest of us start to overwhelm you. You tell him the truth when he asks if you’re okay. You allow him to see you weak, and you’re stronger because of it.”
“I love him,” I said, squeezing the words past the emotion blocking my airway. “It’s this wild, intense kind of love that I’m powerless to explain. I know I’m going to be okay when I’m with him.”
“I know it too,” Deb said, taking my hand. “Hang on to him.”
“I’ll be a better brother,” I swore to her, then addressed Leland. “And a better friend.”
“You’re already the best, Noon.” He shoulder-checked me. “Just be sure to lean on me sometimes too.”
“I will,” I promised, then leaned into him, giving him a taste of what it would be like from then on. We stayed like that for a while, me letting Leland support me and Deb holding my hand.
“Okay, maybe not lean on me literally,” he croaked, straining to not tip over. “What have you been eating while you were gone?”
I straightened, giving him a ghost of a smile, which he returned.
