Page 62 of The Caretaker
“How?” he asked too loudly for the sparse amount of space that separated us. His hands were in my hair now, his eyes wide and smoldering in the firelight. “How was I supposed to tell you what you meant to me when you were no longeryou? When the man I loved more than life itself came back to me in love with someone else. When he’sstillin love with someone else.” He said the words as if it had hurt him to, and my anger faltered completely, making room for an overflow of affection. I didn’t fight it.
“Some days I’m so sad that it hurts to breathe, Noon. I have to stare at those wedding rings around your neck. I have to feel them pressing against my skin sometimes as we sleep, taunting me, reminding me that I don’t have you. I have to hear you call her name with such longing while you dream,” he said in sorrowful awe, like he wished that longing were directed at him.“And I have to smile when you tell me she was an amazing person. That isn’t even what hurts the most, Care Bear.”
“What hurts the most?” I asked, bracing for his answer to rip me to shreds.
“That with all the small, subtle things I do to help you remember me, to help you fall in love with me again…I’m not sure if I’m bringing you back to me—to where you want to be—or if I’m stealing you away from her, away from the place you’d chosen to be. And ithurts. It hurts so much to know I may be forcing you into something you’d already decided you no longer wanted.”
“I did not decide that I wanted her,” I said resolutely.
“You mean you don’t remember deciding,” he corrected, and that was the crux of it. But I didn’t need to remember loving him in the past to know that I cared for him now. I’d felt drawn to him from the moment I saw him on my camera in that tavern. I hadn’t been able to leave his side ever since. The mere idea of doing so came with an immeasurable ache deep in my soul.
I couldn’t explain it, and therefore I couldn’t make him believe it. All I knew for sure was, if given the option to have all my memories restored in exchange for losing what we had right now—even though what we had had barely gotten started—I wouldn’t make the deal. Without question, I would sacrifice anything and everything to be with him, even if I couldn’t remember why I should feel that way.
The truth of my feelings for him was complicated, but now that I had all the facts, I could no longer feel that suffocating love I’d had for Stacey. Almost as if I’d given it to her because it had sat so heavy on my heart and I didn’t know where else to put it. Of course it had to be her, because I didn’t rememberhim.
“Where do we go from here?” I asked with a sigh, brushing my nose against his.
“Do you think you could ever love me again?” he asked, almost childlike and hopeful, cracking my chest wide open. I couldn’t crush him with a lie, so I told him the truth.
“Yes,” I whispered. “I already do.”
He pulled back, the ocean that had receded, crashing against the corners of his eyes again. It terrified me because I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I already had.
I removed the chain from around my neck, giving the rings dangling from it one last look before marching over to the fireplace and chucking it into the flames. A weight had been lifted from me. The weight of many lies, to be more specific. And suddenly, I could see him more clearly. Seeusmore clearly.
Returning to him and cupping his head again, I warned him, “My love for you is complicated, Solace. Please be patient with me.”
“Complicated I can do, Noon. Never is the only thing that could break me.”
I remembered something he’d said to me a little while ago.
“The mind may not remember, but the heartneverforgets.”
Truer words had never been spoken. “My heart knew,” I said, tone overcome with emotion. “My heartneverforgot.”
He swept his thumbs over my cheekbones, smiling as he said, “I’ve missed you, Care Bear.”
I smiled back, wondering at the odd nickname and whispered, “Our life starts now.”
Solace
Then
WHEN HAD Ilast raced through the woods? When last had my arms pumped at my sides as I leapt over fallen branches and dodged trees? Not since I was a child. I hadn’t felt like a child in years, hadn’t experienced that spark of wonder and excitement—until now.
I peered behind me in time to evade Noon’s outstretched hand. My joy couldn’t be contained, and I burst into the clearing with a winded whoop of victory and pure jubilation.
“The only…” Noon panted from behind, dropping the bundle of quilts he held to prop his palms on his knees. “The only reason you won is because I was carrying extra weight.”
I unslung the backpack containing our lunch from my shoulders, holding it up with a meaningful hitch to my brows.
“And also because no matter how many morning walks I take to this clearing, I still can’t find my way here—or back—without a damn compass or rescue team,” he complained. “So, of course, I couldn’t race ahead. I needed you to show me the way.”
“I wish I’d known how much of a sore loser you were before I agreed to fall in love with you.” I made my way to the patch of sunlight flaming through the break in the trees. It was the first day of spring, and although we hadn’t completely left the cold weather behind, the temperature was warmer today. We wanted to take advantage of it.
I dropped the backpack near my feet so I could shrug out of my thin jacket, my back to Noon. “I’m the winner, and therefore—oomph.”
Noon grabbed me around the waist, tackling me to the blanket he’d spread out.
