Page 60 of The Caretaker
“We were both shaken up after hearing from them—for different reasons. We were happier than we’d ever been, and now we had to separate to face the people who’d hurt us.” He huffed a cynical laugh, then pressed on. “It was supposed to be quick and easy. I mean, why wouldn’t it be? They didn’t want us anyway. They’d made their choice, right? Only thing left to do was legally sever ties.” He shrugged. The casual gesture and his tone were at odds with each other, letting me know it hadn’t been easy at all. This time when he looked away, I let him.
“I never came back,” I said slowly, as realization dawned. “Solace,” I whispered when more than a frenzied heartbeat passed and he hadn’t responded. His gaze returned to mine, hauling me into the tidal wave cresting within it. I instantly understood that my not returning had been the single mostdevastating thing that had happened to him—next to losing Gavin.
“I thought you’d taken her back,” he said again, in a strained whisper. The words weighed down by a lifetime’s worth of pain. “I thought you took one look at her and realized that what we’d shared those three months was just a fantasy.”
“Why would you think that?” I asked, my knees scarcely holding me upright. “If you and I were so in love, why would you think—”
“Because Patrick wanted me back.”
An involuntary growl charged up from my core. I cut it off before any sound escaped my lips. Solace continued, oblivious to my lapse into possessiveness.
“Turns out the magic between them was only magical when they were sneaking around. He’d had an epiphany,” he said in a mocking tone before swiping roughly at his cheeks. His tears would be my downfall. “And when you didn’t show up or call, didn’t respond to any of my calls and texts…” He shook his head sadly. “I thought you’d had one too.”
“I’d never do that to you,” I swore, sure of it. Positive that I’d never want to see him break the way he was breaking in front of me right now. He deserved better. Even with my memories of that time missing, I knew he deserved better, and that I wasn’t the kind of man who could do something like that to him.
“I was frantic,” he said. “And desperate. Andangry. I didn’t have contact information for anyone in your life. I’d camped outside your place for two whole days but neither of you ever came home. Your lights remained off. All sorts of scenarios ran through my head. I-I thought maybe you two had run away together. Maybe you had a second home somewhere that I didn’t know about. I was sick, Noon. Sick without you. I just wanted you back. I would havebeggedyou to come back to me.” Hiswords were a panicked rush of breath, and my own sort of wild panic began building momentum within me.
I wanted to reach for him, to grab him by his hair and tell him he didn’t have to beg for anything, that I would find a way to travel back in time and remove all traces of every moment that he ever felt like he had to. But I was still angry, and I didn’t know if some of that anger should be directed at him or not. Until I knew for sure, I’d remain sagging and barely breathing against the wall.
“How did you find out about the accident?”
“Patrick, of all people.” He spoke his ex-husband’s name as if it left a foul taste in his mouth. “He didn’t know about us. He called because he didn’t have anyone else to turn to after finding out about her. How ironic that after everything, he hoped that I would be there for him as he grieved for her. He had no idea what the news had done to me. Had no idea what you and I had come to mean to each other.”
“How didhefind out?”
“Word of Stacey’s passing had made its way to her friends and colleagues at the hospital she and Patrick worked at together.”
“I don’t understand,” I said, pushing off the wall only to realize I still needed the support. “She was pregnant with his child.”
Solace explained to me that Stacey and I had struggled to have children, and that the problem was me. I remembered us trying, then the months spent trying a little harder. My memories must have cut off before the “struggling” phase.
“He didn’t know,” Solace said. “Or at least he never mentioned it to me between all his groveling. I don’t know why she wouldn’t have told him, even if they’d decided to end things before she got around to it.” Solace grappled with his tears, the fight visibly wearing him down, and the need to be his pillarof strength was beginning to outweigh my anger. “Maybe she wanted the two of you to raise the baby together.”
“I would have never agreed to that,” I said, because it appeared that he needed me to, and because it was true.
Solace shivered, rubbing at his arms. Some primal instinct to take care of him bubbled up in me, conflicting with my need to keep my distance until I had all the answers. My legs began moving without the signal from my brain, taking me to the fireplace where I added logs to the pile burning out within the hearth. He watched me from the bed, attempting a grateful smile.
Removing the throw from the back of the couch, I made my way over to him, kneeling on the bed to drape it across his shoulders. My fingers grazed the smooth skin along his neck. We both shivered from the contact. I held my breath against drawing his distracting scent into my lungs. I didn’t inhale until my back was once again against the wall.
“Do you know what I had to do to see you in the hospital?” he asked, holding the blanket around him.
“Tell me.” Leland had told me his version of the events, but it didn’t include the pain and suffering Solace had to have gone through. I needed to hear it all. I needed to know what loving me had cost him.
“Seeing you during normal visiting hours was impossible. Someone was always with you during the day. So I had to flirt with the head nurse who worked the night shift. Make promises I wasn’t sure I’d have to keep in order to be let into your room when visiting hours were over.” He stopped talking when his gaze fell to the fists I’d curled in preparation for tracking that nurse down. I still felt jealous, still felt like Solace was mine to protect, even while upset and confused. My emotions were all over the place.
“I’d sit in the stairwell, or somewhere else, waiting for him to arrive and let me in,” he continued. “I dreaded opening his text messages, because what if he was ready to cash in? I feared I would have done anything to keep seeing you. Leland got me banned before that could happen.”
“Why didn’t you just tell him the truth?”
“Because I didn’t know if you’d left me for her. What good would it have done to expose your secrets if you no longer wanted me? If you were going to wake up and want her?”
He was protecting me. Even then. Even when telling the truth could have gotten him what he wanted. My chest warmed as my heart thawed.
“I had to know first,” he whispered. “I had to talk to you first.”
“And then I woke up.”
“Yes,”
