Page 46 of The Caretaker
“Are you remembering something?” he asked, and even through my flare of panic I could hear the hope in his voice, and see the matching expression light up his face.
“I…I…” I squeezed my eyes shut as the images grew distant, as they faded away into the tunnel I didn’t have access to. That old, familiar rage stood poised to take their place. I snarled through clenched teeth, sinking to the floor.
“Look at me,” Solace commanded, dropping to his knees and cupping my face. “It’s okay. Let it go for now. If it doesn’t want to stay, remember that it’s okay to let it go.” He repeated his orders on a loop, his voice softening each time as my breathing evened out and my aching teeth unclenched. “That’s it. Let it go.” Heheld my hands now, rubbing the pads of his thumbs across my skin while leading me through measured breaths.
“I’m good now,” I said through a scratchy throat. “Crisis averted.”
“Are you sure?” he asked, shaken up, as if I’d transferred my anxiety to him.
“I promise. I’m fine now.” I touched my brow to his before getting us to our feet.
“Maybe this was a bad idea,” he said, looking down at the suit.
“The photo shoot was a great idea. Don’t let me ruin this for you.”
“Yeah, the photo shoot,” he said distractedly, taking in all the equipment.
I held my camera up with a smile I hoped he believed. “Ready whenever you are.” Things weren’t all the way fine yet. The atmosphere had shifted, and it would take more than a few seconds for it to right itself. I’d be damned if I wouldn’t fake it for his sake, though. I wouldn’t screw this up for him just because my brain picked that moment to glitch. A few minutes later we got started again.
These shots were broody, pensive, and unguarded as Solace transitioned through emotions with ease. I didn’t have to direct him at all, and something inside me warned that it wasn’t an act. His anguished gaze bore into my lens with a fragility that made me want to catch him before he shattered to the floor.
I stopped to make a few adjustments, and Solace took the opportunity to give me his back. To hide from me.
Moments later, I whispered his name, purposely giving no indication that I was ready to continue as I stood poised to capture him. Instead of turning his whole body, Solace peered over one shoulder, watery eyes wide like an animal snared as I clicked away.
We ended with him sitting on the floor, his arms wrapped around his bent legs as he lowered his head to his knees. When he gazed up, a solitary tear rolled down his cheek, his expression stoic.
I captured it all, even while wanting to scoop him into my lap and take his sadness away. That would come later.
Later came after we’d eaten and showered and were hanging out in the sitting area of his bedroom since the living room had been temporarily converted into a photo studio.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” I said after adding more kindling to the fire and taking a seat next to him. This couch was half the size of the one downstairs but still accommodating. He stared at me, eyes full of gloom, and said nothing. Maybe he didn’t know where to start.
“Come here.” I took his hand, giving in to my earlier urge to pull him onto my lap. There was a moment of surprise before he sat astride me, his hands lacing together at my nape as he relaxed.
“This is new,” he said.
“Sorry.” I lifted him at the hips, planning to set him down beside me. He dug his knees in, stopping me.
“No. It’s fine.”
“Are you sure?” I could be forward with my affection. Invasive even.
“I’m positive.”
I slouched down, getting comfortable. “Now, talk to me.”
“Can I ask you something first?”
“Sure.”
Solace licked his lips. “What happened downstairs?”
I glanced to the side, my forehead tightening in concentration. “Weird flashes. Nothing solid. Nothing that told me anything. And they were gone before I could make sense of them.” Even now I couldn’t recall what they were.
Solace dropped his head back, peering up at the ceiling. I didn’t push him. I watched his throat work as he mulled over what to say to me. “I struggle with not knowing if I’m helping or hurting you. Making you better or making you worse.”
“What do you mean?”
