Page 40 of The Caretaker
“Is that what you believe?” Solace asked, his expression closed off in a way it had never been. “That she was amazing? Or is that what youwantto believe?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He shook his head, unfolding his arms to grip the edge of the counter. “Nothing. I guess I’m jealous too. You haven’t mentioned her in a while, and now I have to share you with her again. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.”
He was right. He shouldn’t have felt that way, and I shouldn’t have enjoyed that he did.
I crowded his space, drawn to the pain in his eyes, hating that I’d put it there. “I didn’t want to bring her up. I felt like I had to.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m starting to forget her, starting to forget that I loved her, because now all I can think about is you. And that scares me.” I grazed my fingers down his cheek, and he grabbed my wrist, flattening my palm along his soft skin so he could burrow into it.
“Why does it scare you?” He closed his eyes, as if drugged by my nearness, by my hand on him. He was captivating. Would it ever stop feeling like a betrayal to think so?
“Because I need to love her. Because Idolove her.”
“Why?” he asked again, but this time it felt like a test, like a push for me to dig deeper, to explore. It should have offended or alarmed me that he needed to ask in the first place. She was my wife. Why wouldn’t I need to love her? Why wouldn’t Iloveher? I didn’t feel offended at all, though. I felt terrified, because what alarmed me instead was that I now had to think before answering, and that my answer somehow felt like a lie.
“Because loving her is the only part of me that I’m sure of, and without it, I’ll be sure of nothing. Without it, I’ll truly be lost.”
“You’ll never be lost as long as I’m around, Noon. I’ll find you. Always.”
“You’ve used that word more than once. Always. I never noticed it until now.” We hadn’t known each other long enoughfor him to wield that word in the way he sometimes did. Even if my soul felt like it had known him for an eternity.
“Feels like I’ve known you forever,” he said.
“It does,” I agreed.
“You can talk about her as much as you want, Noon. I’ll…alwaysbe here to listen.” He swallowed. “I can’t expect youtonottalk about her.”
Those last words he’d spoken sounded hollow, and his shoulders hunched like he’d received a blow to the chest. He looked beautifully broken, and I would have done anything in that moment to fix him, even if it meant distracting the both of us.
I reached over for my camera, snapping shot after shot until he gave me a bashful smile and pushed the camera away. The atmosphere had lightened, the seriousness from a moment ago not forgotten but tucked away for now. I set my camera back on the counter, then idly twirled his hair around my finger.
“Why modeling?” I asked. “You said teaching was what you loved, so why not go back to that?”
“Maybe I just wanted you to take my pictures.”
“I would have done that for you anyway.”
“Nowhe tells me,” he said with an eye roll.
“Seriously, why not go back to teaching?”
Solace flattened his palms against my chest, then removed them, as if realizing they didn’t have a right to be there, not after all that we’d said minutes ago. I used my free hand to reaffix his, one at a time, to where they’d been. To where I wanted them. We were beyond decorum. And I decided to accept how contradictory that made me. I could love my wife and want Solace’s hands on me too.
“I have this fear that being around children again will be a painful reminder.”
“Maybe,” I responded. “Or maybe it’ll be a beautiful one.”
“A beautiful reminder,” he whispered hoarsely, dipping his head.
“Hey.” I stroked his cheek until he looked at me again. “What just happened?”
“Nothing. It’s just… Sometimes you say things that make me hopeful, that make me feel like all isn’t lost, you know?”
“Yeah, I know, because sometimes you do the same.” I thought about the guy he’d lost. The one I’d come to mentally refer to as ‘the one who got away.’ “How could anyone walk away from you? How could anyone move on and forget about you?”
