Page 46 of The Boy Who Loved Wicked
The front door opened, but I remained behind my desk in my study knowing he would find me on his first attempt, as he always did. I’d drawn the curtains and lowered the lights, hoping to hide from him as much as possible. And hoping to be blinded to some of his pain. A coward had more courage than me.
“Hi,” he said using the small voice he’d often adopt in the beginning. It pained me to hear it now. He moved over to the bookshelf across the room, perusing the titles he knew by heart now.
I’d have done anything to spare him from this. To go back to the first day in class when he’d sat on his hands to keep from raising them in answer to every question I’d asked. To the first day a ray of sun filtered through my mental blinds. The day I listened to his thoughts with a foreign smile, and found myself continuously smiling in his direction every so often as to make him feel included in every aspect of my lesson. If I could go back, I’d treat him like everyone else in that room. I’d never make him believe that he was special. “Emily wants to try again. For the baby.”
“What do you want?” He pulled a book from its slot, flipping through the pages with his back to me.
“I want to make love to you. I want to hold you in my arms and never let you go, and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you, Phoenix.” What we wanted was often not what we received. His panicked breaths filled the silence, proof that expressing those thoughts would only make things worse, but I couldn’t let him walk away not knowing how hard this was for me. He needed to know he was loved completely.
He slammed the book closed. “But you can’t.”
I couldn’t answer him. It wasn’t a question anyway.
Everything, for as long as I remembered drawing breath, had been about me. Even my unhappiness. It all served me and me alone. My need for Alex to have no one to count on but me served my ego and the little boy in me that was afraid of being left behind. Of having something else taken from me. Of being found unworthy of his love. My leaving him, although masked as saving him, served to ensure that little boy maintained the love of his father. A father that never truly loved him to begin with, and only saw him as the continuation of his legacy. His power. My marrying Emily, to once again prove my fealty to him, served me. And falling in love with a student I had no business laying a hand on to begin with—it all served some part of me never tended to. “I have to try, Phoenix. I have to live now to serve my unborn child. I’ve already failed one. Do you understand that?”
“No. I don’t.” His back was no longer to me. “You don’t love her. Not in that way. Not like you love me.” He said the last part with less confidence. “You do love me, right?”
“Yes, you’re not imagining it. I’d swear on this life that I couldn’t love you more, but then tomorrow would make a liar out of me.” My eyes pooled, and he appeared to be swimming in them. “Please know that you did nothing wrong.”
He swayed and leaned against the bookcase, but when I went to stand he lifted a hand. “Don’t. Because if you touch me…” He closed his eyes.
They say time heals everything. I’m living proof that isn’t true. I wouldneverget over hurting Phoenix. It would be an unwanted wound I wore forever. The agony of it would remain acute like a tempting blade pressed against a palm that itched to bleed. He had his whole life ahead of him, and I could only hope that at some point, I would be a vague regret he’d only remember when inhaling the scent of something foul. “I’m sorry,” was all I could muster.
“—I could wait for you.” His face crumpled. “I could wait.”
“You’re killing me,” I said, my voice dropped to something barely more than a breath.
“At least I won’t die alone.” A tear rolled off the tip of his nose and crested in the valley between his top lip before pitching off to its death. Indicative to how I felt.
“Don’t speak like that.” I shot out of my chair, crazed by the idea.
He swiped angrily at his cheeks. “Will you have sex with her?”
“What? No—”
“But you will eventually? Have you even thought that far ahead?” he shouted. “Or will this marriage be like it’s always been? Do you think that’s good for any kid?”
“I can’t leave her right now. The pregnancy is high-risk as it is—”
“Then when? I can wait for you,” he said again, more adamantly this time. The conversation was spiraling. He leaned over my desk now, palms boring into the wood.
“I never should have touched you—”
“—Not this again.” He plunged his hands into his hair.
“You have your whole life ahead of you,” I said impassioned, and he laughed bitterly. “I’ll have a child, Phoenix.Howdo you see this playing out? What if Emily decides to keep my child away from me in light of the truth? A truth that could, at worst, lead to my incarceration. At best, our love stays hidden, and we gain each other but lose everything else. How long before resentment eats away at us?” How could I have allowed my heart to override my common sense?
“It doesn’t have to end that way.”
“You haven’t lived. You don’t understand.” I shook my head. The lump at the lip of my throat screamed to break free. “Every action has its pleasure and its price.” We were wrong and we would pay for this.
“Socrates was just a man, not God!” he screamed. “He wasn’t always right.” A sob volleyed up the walls of his throat, and I wanted to tear the animal apart that left him wounded. Inside I leaked my life’s blood from all the imaginary stabs I inflicted on myself. “She doesn’t know you. She doesn’t know that when you isolate yourself away it’s because you want someone to find you. She won’t find you, Sebastian.”
I hadn’t thought further than needing to be there for Emily and the baby. Our baby had to make it this time, my child needed my devotion and focus. I didn’t know how our relationship would look in the future. The part of my heart in charge of falling in love would always remain with Phoenix. I could only hope that a deep affection and friendship would get Emily and me through. Would be enough to raise a happy child. “Don’t be broken by this. Ibegyou.” I went around and took his face in my unsteady hands.
“We’re all broken, Sebastian.” He clawed at the front of my shirt. “Allof us.”
“You deserve better than me. You always have, but I wanted you anyway. You challenged me with your wisdom, stimulated me with your innocence, and your beauty stole my heart. I’ve never loved anyone more than I’ve loved you. But I have to make the right choice this time. Ihaveto.”
