Page 66 of The Boy Who Loved Wicked
“You know what I mean,” she said, her arms extended. I situated the baby in the crook of her elbow and brushed her wet cheeks with the back of my hand. “He’s here,” she sniffled. “He made it. I didn’t think…” She couldn’t finish the thought. Neither could I. “We’re a family, we three. We’ll always be a family.”
“Yes, we will.” I perched on the edge of the bed, bending to kiss his dark curls.
“Sebastian.” She used her courtroom voice. “You’re an honorable man. You got us through this, and I couldn’t have done it without you. But I won’t stand by and watch you atone any longer. You get to be complete. To come full circle. You get to have itall.”
I’d get to love who I wanted and have a family who would support and welcome that with open arms. A family that wouldn’t make me choose.I would get to keep my bunny. We were creating a new cycle, Emily and I. “I love you.”
“I know,” she cried.
Thanks to Phoenix’s penchant for sharing, I knew that today he was moving into his dorm room weeks ahead of the fall semester. I couldn’t say what I was thinking by showing up there. That I’d walk in like so much time hadn’t passed and expect us to pick up where we left off? My brain wasn’t firing on all cylinders. I blamed it on lack of sleep. That had to be the reason why I sprinted here with no thought for the reasons why I shouldn’t have. Why I found myself in the hall outside of his room with my back plastered to the tiled wall and my heart sliding down my sleeve.
Phoenix and Mason were positioned in an embrace, and I narrowly resisted the urge to barge in and separate them by their shirt collars. Right when I began to give the idea second thoughts, I heard his mother’s voice coming from the bathroom.
“Don’t you two look adorable.”
Phoenix groaned and Mason laughed, but I sagged against the wall holding my chest as she went on about how cute a pair they made. Of course they did. They were the same age, I was nearing the finish line of my thirties. They had their whole lives ahead of them, I now had a newborn. Their nights would involve partying and impulsive decisions. My days would be planned down to the minute and revolve around my son’s needs.
“Pheeny?” his mother asked with concern. “What’s wrong?”
Footsteps sounded and I made it around the corner of the hall by the skin of my teeth.
“What’s gotten into you?” she asked, and he shushed her. I could hear his heart calling me from where I waited a mere few feet away. I chanced a peek in time to see him take off in the opposite direction, his neck craning into every open doorway, searching for something. I tapped the back of my head against the wall before exiting through the stairwell.
Crossing the campus lawn, I drew up short at the sound of my name being yelled. Phoenix jogged over to me, out of breath. And I would’ve offered him mine but I seemed to be on empty as well.Still so beautiful.He wore skinny cutoff denim shorts and a t-shirt that contoured to his chest muscles, and his cropped hair appeared blond under the sunlight. He slowed in front of me and neither of us spoke.
There was an unavoidable awkwardness that came from there being no middle ground. I wanted to crush him against me, and also play it cool. To wait for a sign. And maybe he was feeling the same way. Did we act like nothing had changed? Did we behave as if everything had? I didn’t have the answers nor voiced the questions for fear of what the answers may have been.
Of course those were all delusional thoughts. Thoughts for if we were in another time, another place. Because in this place, in this time, not finding a middle ground could cost us greatly.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi.”
“Ah, you were in the dorms.” He pitched a thumb over his shoulder.
“No.”
“Oh.” He crossed his arms, with a look that said it hadn’t been a question.
“Yes, I was,” I said like I’d just remembered. “I had some documents to pick up.” I made a show of holding out the folder I held. “Didn’t see any harm in stopping by to say hello, but you were otherwise occupied.” I was proud of myself for not exaggerating the last word.
He was so close. All it would’ve taken was an outstretched hand to have his delicate skin under the warmth of my fingertips. His mouth parted as he stared down at said traitorous appendage. I dropped it to my side, sliding it into my pocket as an extra precaution. I hadn’t realized it’d been on its way to him.
“How’d you know I was here?”
Mason’s arrival saved me from having to answer. “Mr. Wicked?”
“Hello, Mr. Jones,” I said. He stopped next to Phoenix, at least five inches taller than him, and full of life. I immediately felt old, my bones ached an affirmative.
“I...had no idea you taught here.” He eyed the folder with the school’s emblem in my hand. Maybe they weren’t so close after all. A tense silence developed as Phoenix and I stared at one another. “I’ll wait for you in the car,” Mason said before leaving us alone again.
“We’re just friends,” Phoenix whispered, and I wasn’t sure what type of outward reaction was appropriate, so I said nothing. “Mason and my mom helped me move in. She had to get back to work, but we’re heading over to the campus open mic on the south lawn. Mason’s crashing it.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“You should come,” he said, blue eyes sparkling, caught in the shifting of the sun.
“Can’t. I’m on diaper duty.”
