Page 89 of Surviving the Merge
“My hugs were the kind I would imagineshegave. If she ever gave them. Blake showed up for... Benji,” he pushed out. “Blake hugged Benji like loving him was his sole purpose. I felt it,” he confessed.
Warmth filled me at the thought of Blake’s hugs. They lingered long after.
“Benji lifted his head from Blake’s shoulder, searching Blake’s eyes for me, and said, ‘Hey, where Danon go?’ That’s what he called me.” Damon grinned at the memory.
“You were good enough for him,” I whispered.
A lone tear streaked down Damon’s face. Right before Blake arrived.
Blake wiped the secretion from his cheek and stared at his fingers. His eyes questioned me. I pointed my chin toward the mantel.
“I see. Your idea or Julie’s?” he asked.
“Mine.”
“Looks like there was success?”
“Well, you're here, so…” My tone contained defeat. Blake held up his wet finger as evidence to the contrary.
“Yeah. I guess you’re right.” I wrapped myself around him. “I hardly see you anymore. Feels like you’re leaving me,” I admitted. Blake didn’t answer. His silence said more than any words could.
“Justin,” he said, tracing my face reverently with the tips of his fingers. “What did you think the outcome would be?”
“I…” WhatdidI think the outcome would be? Merging meant to become one.
“You’ll still have me, only not separately.”
“It’s not the same,” I said, gripping the back of his shirt in my fists.
“It will be. With time,” he promised.
Walking in a daze to the fireplace, I stared at Benji as if he had the answers. “Time. That could be a year from now or years from now. What’s it going to be like in between?”
“I could never hurt you, Justin. Not even for your own pleasure. Julie’s assignment was never meant to work for me. Not in that way. My job was to let go.” He spoke as if handling a delicate flower. Unsure if I would wilt.
A memory of a question Julie asked in our last session surfaced: “So tell me Blake, which poppa are you?”
I also recalled a personal revelation of Blake’s shortly after: “I'm just wondering if all this time I’ve been overprotecting him.”
“Things feel different since that night at Elite,” Blake said.
I closed my eyes. “How so?”
“I don’t exist until I’m here. I don’t see, hear, feel, or sense anything. I don’t know that there is anything to be missed, until I’m here.”
His hand slipped into mine, and I looked over my shoulder to see him there.
“Let’s make the most of this,” he said.
* * *
About a month had passedsince that night with Blake. We’d held each other on the couch, swallowed up by one another, conversing and professing our love into the wee hours of the morning. We fought to remain conscious, feeling the force of the inevitable as it called Blake back into that dark closet from which he came.Just a little more time,I’d asked the universe. I didn’t want our time to end because I didn’t know when I would have it again. But sleep won in the end.
I awoke to Damon. It’d been Damon ever since.
Sometimes I’d see a flicker of something in Damon that would raise my hopes, only to have them dashed away when he’d confirm, “It’s me.”
One day, at my lowest point, I’d resorted to emotional manipulation. Pushing against his boundaries, hoping to encourage a switch. It didn’t work, and the next day, Damon brought it up during a session. I gaped at him for selling me out. He wasn’t the least bit sorry.
