Page 51 of Surviving the Merge
Translation: I’m miserable without you. Please, talk to me.
For your sake, you’d better be in one piece when I find you.
His way of saying I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re safe. I dropped my head back on the pillow and placed the phone face down on my chest. Unsure if I was strong enough to read more. I raised the phone halfway, like a peek would do less damage to my willpower.
Julie insists on us sticking to therapy, with or without you, but what’s the fucking point?
What he really meant: I’m trying, but I’m scared it’ll all be for nothing if you leave.
That made the two of us. One couldn’t ignore the amount of years invested in a relationship simply because they’d been hurt. Walking away would mean that a significant amount of my time had been wasted. A hard pill to swallow. Starting over didn’t provide much appeal.
I need to hurt you.
That one stole my air. He needed to dominate me to reaffirm our connection. Damon needed to regain control.
Well, I needed to be dominated, to surrender to his authority.
It’s all that asshole's fault!
That last one thawed something cold and hard in me. It was Damon’s way of saying he wasn’t the one that hurt me. He was asking me why I was punishing him.
They were all sent within the same minute. Rapid fire. Damon was on edge. I struggled with the decision to reply. I typed and deleted my response several times. Punishing Damon wasn’t my intention, but I wasn’t ready to forgive Blake.I don’t even know if I can.
What if Blake was the one currently on the other end of the phone? He’d see my text and gain a measure of peace that the petty part of me didn’t want him to have. Or even if Damon saw it first, Blake would eventually.
I settled on,I’m okay.Then changed it to,I’m safe.I wasn’t anywhere near “okay.” Regardless of what Blake and I were going through, I didn’t want Damon going off the rails, and I wanted him to continue therapy.
Hitting send and then silencing the phone, I rolled over and tried to get some sleep.
* * *
I spentmy weekend researching flowers, and who knew you couldn’t merely plant whatever you wanted? There were things to consider. I needed to take into account the wet climate in Oregon and plant accordingly. I began to hate my bright idea, and I hadn’t even started yet.Gardening? What the hell made me think I would enjoy this?
I purchased Japanese primrose, tulips, hibiscus and hydrangeas—according to what the name tags said. My new plan was to get the front of the house done.I’ll dig a few holes and throw them in, then call it a day.
The backyard could stay as-is. Who would notice it anyway?
Monday morning found me out front with all my tools and colorful companions spread out on the lawn. To my disappointment, it wasn’t going to be a simple matter of digging and tossing like I’d thought. No, I had to first add soil that’d been augmented with compost and humus. Some plants required more sun than others, and some more water than others, so it was essential that I strategically placed them accordingly. Oh, and let’s not forget the pebbles and coarse sand that worked to prevent algae from growing due to the copious amounts of rainfall that we got. Who knew that algae could grow on soil?Fuck me and this brilliant idea.
Wiping the sweat from my brow, I stilled at the sound of a horn. Max turned his truck onto my driveway. Getting up and brushing my knees off, I made my way to him. “Hey, are you off work already?”
“Already?” he asked with a faint laugh. “It’s five o’clock.”
“No way. I’ve been out here all day then.” I looked behind me at all the tools, dirt, and plants splattered around. “I got nothing done,” I mumbled to myself, pulling the gloves off my hands.
“The job got you down?” Max deadpanned.
I begrudgingly smiled because really, this was pretty ridiculous. “Is that why you stopped by? To poke fun at me?”
“It could easily become my new favorite thing.” Amused at my expense, he said, “We’re going to the community center.”
I peered around Max; Pluto sat in the passenger seat.
“You wanna come?” Max asked, throwing an arm casually over the steering wheel.
“Yeah, sure,” I answered excitedly. “Let me get this stuff into the shed and grab a quick shower first.”
“Okay, I’ll circle back in thirty.”
