Page 28 of Surviving the Merge
“Okay. Let’s get back to boundaries. Now, while I don’t typically think ultimatums are the best course of action, in this case we need to pull out all the guns, so to speak. The thing about ultimatums is once you issue one, youhaveto be willing to follow through. Hence why I need to know how far we can take this.” She regarded me, trying to gauge if I could handle the bomb she wanted to drop. In hindsight, I should have stopped her there.
“You need to move out,” she said. In a way that left no room for negotiations.
“What? Why?” I left the window on trembling legs and lowered slowly onto the edge of the couch, holding on to the arm for support.
Julie scooted to the edge of her seat as well. “This serves two purposes. One, it’s a necessary step in yourpersonaljourney. You need to be independent of DamonandBlake. The other is it limits Damon’s access to you. He needs to know you are willing to leave if he does not get on board. You have to continue to set boundaries and stick to them.” She spoke like she was rallying the troops. Very direct and succinct.
“But... but we’re married,” I sputtered. “Living apart isn’t normal for married couples.”
“Let’s not get caught up in what society deems as normal and abnormal. We can agree that you’re not living anormallife. Again, Justin, how far are you willing to go?”
I tilted my head and looked at her with my eyes wide open. “What happened to the sweet professional who seemed to follow rules? Is all this even standard procedure?”
She laughed, while I sat confused. “Oh Justin, coloring outside the lines is what’s gotten me to where I am. Please believe me when I say my methods can veer way off from typical. But I won’t steer you wrong. Trust me.”
She slid the tin of cookies over to me, a reminder that she was still the same person. I gave a shaky smile and said, “I do.”
“I know.” She smiled. “So start looking for a place that speaks to the person you wish to be. Do it on your own. Make all the decisions from the curtains to the silverware all on your own.”
“You know... the one thing I made a decision on at the condo was the bed. It’s the one thing Damon hated.”
“Well, I think that’s telling. He liked everything Blake picked. They are more alike than they may think.”
“I suppose. Blake will be hurt if I leave.”
“From what I’ve learned about Blake, I think he’ll understand and support you.”
“Yeah. He will,” I admitted, grudgingly.
“Don’t forget to journal. I’d also like you to do something you’ve never done—aside from finding a place to live.”
“Hey, why do I have three assignments, and Blake only has one?” I heard the frown in my voice. Julie laughed.
* * *
Blake didn’t askabout my private conversation with Julie, but I could tell by the lines creasing his forehead when I joined him in the waiting room that knowing would have eased his concerns. I didn’t allow my eyes to linger on him too long, for fear that my expression would give me away.
I kept up mundane conversation the whole drive home, hoping that if I didn’t permit a second of silence to slip between us, he’d think everything was okay and write off what he wasn’t sanctioned to take part of as nothing.
Now home, I’d lost steam, and Blake’s somberness turned thick enough to choke on. From the spot I’d been brooding in on the couch, I spoke before I misplaced my nerve. “I’m going to move out—for now,” I sputtered to clarify. “I’m not leaving you. I just... I’ve never really been on my own.” Not wanting to get into details about my discussion with Julie on the off chance that Damon was in fact eavesdropping, I decided not to say more.
With his back to me, working on igniting the burner in the fireplace, Blake said, “Okay.”
“Okay?” The one-word, passionless response stung more than it probably should. “Isthatthe extent of your thoughts on the situation, Blake? I tell you I’m leaving, and you fucking say‘Okay.’”
“I thought you weren’t leaving?” He didn’t look at me, didn’t even raise his voice a note, just continued with his task.
“You know what I meant, Blake. Turn around and face me, dammit!”
Looking straight into my eyes, he asked in a detached manner. “Is that a cry for Damon?” Holding his hand up to ward off my rebuttal, he continued. “You’re scared. And you’re looking for me to tell you you’re not going anywhere. I’d even go as far as to say you want me to keep you here by force. By any means necessary, right? You probably also want me to take you right now, right here on this floor, with your dubious consent. Maybe even bind and gag you so no one can hear you scream. Am I close, Justin?”
My mouth hung open, struck speechless as the truth of his accusations reached my ears.
“Take you over my knee?”
“Stop! Please, stop.” The pressure on my chest alarmed me. Like someone had a boot against my breastbone, slowly leaning in. I rubbed at the spot. Blake had never thrown my own truth in my face before. Turned out I couldn’t handle it.
“I’m not saying this to hurt you.” He placed the bottle of ethanol fuel on top of the mantel and came to stand above me, raising my head with a finger under my chin.
