Page 23 of Surviving the Merge
“We’ll get cleaned up, order some food, and talk. Okay?” I asked. He nodded sharply and gestured for me to lead the way. Once out of view, I nearly ripped the skin from my lips in my attempt to suck off every drop of what he’d left there for me.
I let Damon take the master bathroom, and I used the guest room. I finished first and while waiting for him to meet me in the living room, my resentment over the past tried to rear its head. I had to keep reminding myself: first things first. Getting him to agree to try for integration.
“The place looks nice.”
I turned at the sound of his voice to see him descending the stairs. He wore Blake’s low-riding gray lounge pants. The sway of the heaviness between his legs told me he had nothing on underneath.
“It’s good to see that our styles are aligned when it comes to decor.” He was referring to him and Blake. “But the bed’s gotta be replaced.”
“The bed is perfectly fine,” I said, a little offended. I’d picked it out myself.
He came to a halt in front of me, which put me at eye level with his crotch. “It’s nice enough, but it won’t last a day once I get you in it. We’ll need something that’s nailed down.”
Lifting my head sharply, I gritted out, “I am not having sex with you, Damon. Definitely not in Blake’s bed. And couldn’t you find a shirt?” I waved my hands at his exposed chest.
“You’re lucky I put on pants. Don’t push it.”
I hated being off balance, so I moved the conversation to a safer topic. “I ordered Chinese. I wasn’t sure what you would want, so I picked a few options. It should be here soon.”
He watched me closely, still hovering above me. “You love him more than me, don’t you?”
“Damon, please don’t be ridiculous,” I said with more than a touch of exasperation.
“I don’t feel wanted here. You’re not the least bit happy to see me. I thought…”
Vulnerability and insecurity were rare traits to see on Damon’s surface. Whenever feelings such as those were required, he would usually retreat. Damon did have his moments, though, however rare and short-lived they may have been. I held my breath and offered a small nudge. “You thought what, Damon?”
Lowering himself next to me, he said, “I thought you returning to the club meant you wanted me back.”
“I want much more than you back, Damon. I want you whole.”
Wearing a confused and dubious expression, he issued a terse, “Explain.”
I told him everything. About Julie, the group therapy, Blake’s independent therapy, what had already been discussed, the treatment plan, the medication.Everything.At the end of my litany of information, his response was—
“No.”
“No? What do you meanno?”
“No to therapy, no to medications. No to it all.” He marched to the window, resting his palms against the glass and leaning into the touch.
Patience, I reminded myself, was the key to dealing with Damon. “What are you afraid of?”
He laughed. “Did you pick that line up from the good doctor? Ask me what I’m afraid of so I’ll want to prove I’m not afraid of anything and give all that crap a try?”
“I legitimately want to know why you see this as something harmful to you.”
“At best, I sit there and have someone dissect my past and force me to relive things I’ve long ago forgotten. At worst, I fade into a black hole for good, and I lose you. Again.”
In other words, you’re afraid.“What if you lose me anyway?” I whispered.
He faced me then; his eyes darkened, but before he could answer, the bell rang. Our food delivery had arrived.
We ate in silence, but every time I raised my eyes, I caught Damon unrepentantly staring at me. I waited until we were both done then decided to get some answers. “How are you here right now?” I busied myself with clearing away our dishes and empty containers from the kitchen island while waiting for his reply.
“I’ve been waiting for an opening, and one presented itself. Blake’s exhausted, stressed, and something’s been eating away at him. His guards were lowered after he entered the parking garage and cut the engine. Almost as if he decided to give up the fight. I’ve only felt him do that at Elite.”
“Of course he’s stressed and exhausted. He’s got a constant battle raging in his mind.”
