Page 9 of Surviving the Merge
The distant memory of the argument his statement caused earned a chuckle from me. Being young, insecure, and sensitive made me defensive to any criticism regarding my craft. Julie sent a questioning look. I waved her off and continued.
“He was right, and he verbalized what I didn’t know how to.” The irony in that didn’t escape me.
“Passion. I lacked passion.
“He suggested that maybe a few nights a week I give dancing at Elite a shot. He thought I needed to get in touch with my sensual side.” If anyone knew how to tap into sexuality, it was Damon. It surrounded him like fog. Innate to his whole being.Je ne sais quoi.
“I’m trained in ballet and modern dance. Elite was a whole other monster. Damon gave me a shot of tequila to relax me. I got on stage, the lights went low, the music came on, and after a short while, I’d found myself. In communion with my body, I was tuned in... and turned on.”
But Damon was a jealous man. And I, a mere innocent, naively began to make a home in the maw of a beast.
“The handful of patrons that were there had flocked from the bar area to the lip of the stage. They fondled and propositioned me, but I was lost in a haze to it all. One of the best nights of my life.
“Until I was being dragged off stage.” My nostalgia soured. “I wasn’t aware of the lower level filled with private rooms, until I found myself locked in one with Damon. He threw me on the bed and bellowed, ‘How dare you!’” It shook the walls.
“In pain and slightly disoriented, it took me a few seconds to catch up. But I did. What happened next is how my fondest memory became my worst. Until it became my fondest—again.”
Julie watched me patiently, waiting for me to continue. But I had no plans of going any deeper with her. A part of me feared that she’d judge us. She wouldn’t understand; not many people would. You could call what Damon and I had unconventional, but it was ours.
“That was my first time, with anyone. Quite memorable, I would say. Even at nineteen, Damon was a force to be reckoned with. Almost as imposing as he is today. I found my passion and sexuality all in the same night.”
“Were you and Damon in a romantic relationship at that point?” Julie asked.
“If it were up to Damon, I’d have been his from the day he laid eyes on me. It isn’t his style to lie in wait. I was more skittish. I had an unhealthy distrust for the motivations of my peers due to years of being bullied. Labeled agay ballerina. We became friends and then something more with time.”
“Would you consider yourself as having been violated?” she asked.
“No,” I said firmly. “Damon didnotrape me. Whatever conclusions you may draw about him,thatshould not be one of them.”
She raised her hands in a gesture meant to calm me. “I’m not here to judge you, Justin. I simply wanted clarity.”
I gave a sharp nod and rolled my shoulders. “I’d never seen that side of him before. Angry, sure, but not to that extent. And never directed at me. However, once it dawned on me that his actions manifested from a place of possession and jealousy and a deep-rooted need to own me… I surrendered. To everything that came afterward. Maybe not verbally, but I did surrender.” I leaned back and crossed a leg over my knee, scrutinizing her expression for any signs of disapproval.
My youth and ignorance left me ill-equipped with the profound language needed to express the emotions going through me at that time, but it didn’t make what I felt any less true.
“I needed to be possessed, conquered, owned, used as he saw fit. Controlled to some degree. Chased and captured. It all called to that something in me that laid dormant. I was awakened in that strip club. At seventeen years old.” There was a time I would’ve said that I was fine when I met Damon. That his ailing cells were a contagion to mine. But Julie was big on taking responsibility for one's actions. In my case, my reactions. I was far from fine when he found me.
“How were things between the two of you after?”
“In the ‘right after’ sense, or after that night?”
“Let’s start with right after.”
“Damon was uncharacteristically gentle and caring. Took me home and held me all night.” My heart softened at the memory.
“Don’t get me wrong—Damoniscaring and loving, but in a bulldozer kind of way. He runs you over and knocks you down with his love. That night, he was reverent. Every touch felt like a request for permission. My body was my own. It was beautiful, in a different way.”
After that day, the gloves were off for Damon. I was his, and he didn’t hold back.
Wedidn’t hold back. I was set free, and together, we burned hotter than the sun.
I sat forward and steepled my hands against my chin in thought. “You know, initially looking back on that night, I’d thought it was guilt that brought out the tenderness in Damon. Except, much later on when I reflected on things, I realized... that was the first time that I’d met Blake.” More to myself, I whispered, “Damon Blake Daniels.”
Damon was ruthless in his ownership of me. And Blake was his better half. Damon would rip apart worlds just to have me, and I would willingly lay and be owned and torn apart and had—and put back together by his better half.
“Blake is the alter, correct?” Julie asked.
“Yes,” I confirmed.
