Page 83 of Surviving the Merge
He made me lay there while he got himself off, venom spewing from his mouth as he treated his cock roughly. His face so close to mine, I felt his poisoned words brush against my lips:you’re nothing; you’ll be lucky if I ever touch you again; you can be replaced...The words played on a loop through the whole ordeal along with the hateful others. I laid there crippled by them, trying my best not to let them sink in. Not wanting them to stick. So cruel, they were.
Damon had never before been outright mean or spiteful toward me. But he wanted me punished for making himfeel. It debilitated me. At first. Then it made me mad.
Once finished, he staggered to his corner on the opposite side of the room. Damon watched me with a vulnerability that bordered on dangerous.
Sitting up, my feet planted on the floor and my hands digging into the edge of the mattress, I lifted my head and pinned him with my glare. “Is this how it’s going to be, Damon?” My husky voice deeper now, my words almost intelligible. “You turn into a coward, and then you take your self-hate for being soweakout on me?” I asked, too pissed to care whether or not I was causing irreparable damage. “All I do is love you, and this is how you repay me?” I yelled.
“You wouldn’t stop talking!” He yanked fistfuls of his hair. “You won’t stop talking now!”
Typical.
“Damon... what have youdone?” My voice trembled. “What have you done to us tonight?” I aggressively wiped at my eyes. His body shuddered as my question made an impact. I was so turned around and overwhelmed that I honestly didn’t know what we were anymore. But the things he’d just said to me changed something. Something fundamental to who we were to each other. To the trust over my body that I placed in his hands. A chill nestled into my bones.
Damon’s expression caught between shock and terror.
“I need Blake,” I told him.
He shook his head slowly, “I can’t... can’t find him.”
“Please.” I begged.
“Where are you?” he shouted into the room.
Damon stepped toward me, then back. He did this dance a few times before storming out of the room. He screamed, and something shattered in the distance. I dragged myself to the bathroom and got into the shower, needing to be cleansed and warmed to the bone. I flipped the lever for the hot water before wrapping my arms around myself. I don’t know how long I stood there like that, but when I felt a hand tentatively touch my shoulder from behind, I turned to hug him to me. “Blake.” I sighed with relief.
“No. It’s me,” he croaked.
I held my breath, scared to move, to say anything. Damon’s arms came around me, and he rubbed my back—stiffly. A rogue tear slipped free from me. The awkwardness faded in increments, and he pulled me tighter to him. His hands began to move fluidly across the rear of me, as his touch turned nurturing. “I... love...” he whispered.
We descended to the floor together.
* * *
After the shower,Damon went to sleep. His body shut down from the chaos of the night. I, on the other hand, knew sleep wasn’t in the cards for me. All the lights were off in the apartment, and I sat in the dining room, on my second glass of scotch. I needed someone to talk to, so I dialed Julie.
“I’m sorry to call you so late,” I said into the receiver.
“It’s quite alright, dear,” she whispered. “I meant it when I said you could call me, anytime.”
I blew out a long breath. “Why does love require pain and trauma in order to just be?” I was in a particularly dark mood. The alcohol wasn’t helping.
The sound of movement and a door closing came through the line.
“I happen to believe thattruelove, a love between lovers, lives on the other side of pain. What we experience beforehand is simply a test of our worthiness.”
“Are you saying that if I walk away, that means I’m not deserving of love?”
“No. I think being born qualifies us for love. However, the love of a significant other is very different than that of a parent, sibling, or even friend. How can you truly know how much you love Damon if you are never tested? How can you say your love for them is unconditional if you’ve never had to go through some tough conditions?”
“I think I’ve already passed more than a few tests, Julie. Why does it have to be so hard?”
“Nothing easy is worth fighting for, and nothing worth fighting for is ever easy, Justin. Believe me, I know.”
“I suppose you do.”
“Tell me what happened tonight.”
I removed nothing from my retelling, absently rubbing a hand over my chest. Easing the phantom pain around my shackled heart.
