Page 79 of Surviving the Merge
“Yes. I don’t need it. I’m not leaving you, Damon. I never had any intention to.”
“You don’t need it. And of course you’re never leaving me, no matter what your intentions may or may not have been. If I ever gave you the impression that you had a choice, I apologize.”
“Well, I see something isnotso different.”
“Come for a run with me, and then we’ll work out in the gym,” he said.
“Damon, you know I don’t like lifting weights. I dance. I don’t want to bulk.” How many times did I have to tell him this?
“But today you’ll do it.” He strode past me like his word was law.
“Damon!” Counting to three, I continued. “You don’t have to put a cherry on top of the asshole to overcompensate for your new feelings. Your normal level of arrogance is more than enough.”
Several heartbeats later, he confessed, “I want you with me.”
Those words were unexpected, and his pinched brow told me how much it took for him to say them.Oh, yes, something is definitely different.
“I’ll keep you company while you work out. I can do that.”
He nodded. “No touching. Not yet.”
“That’s going to be hard, but I’ll try.”
* * *
Damon remainedglued to my side for days, taking time off work and even sitting in on my dance classes at the community center. Normally, this would be okay, but we hadn’t touched, not so much as a kiss, and his mood shifted constantly. Plus, I was a little anxious about not having seen any sign of Blake since the early morning hours after the incident at Elite. He didn’t say it, but Damon worried as well.
On day five, he couldn’t put off going into the office any longer, and that morning, I finally received a moment of privacy where I could take care of myself in the shower. I took my time as the water beat down on me. Thinking about sex and love and why I found it impossible to absorb one without the other. Why did Damon and I feel like strangers if he wasn’t raging at me while ripping my clothes off? And why did I feel like I would shatter into a million pieces if Blake didn’t give me all of him while taking all of me?
I’d made great personal progress on one level, but growth—I was discovering—was an ever-moving thing.
I’d been astride the shower bench, fucking myself onto the dildo suctioned to the surface. I picked up the pace, and, with one hand splayed in front of me holding myself up, I jerked my cock with the other. I came in silence, lowering myself to my forearm, riding out the tremors. Unable to resist, I ran a finger through my cum, bringing it to my lips.
I would learn to be loved without needing proof in the form of copulation. It would be garnered and nurtured by action and not reaction. But I couldn’t abandon human touch in its simplest form. Affectionate by nature, I desperately missed their hands on my flesh in some way. Something had to give, and soon.
* * *
A few weeks later,we were still stuck in the same rut. We’d been to see Julie twice, and each visit, she’d asked us if there was any progress made with our assignment. The answer always “No.” Damon wouldn’t let me get near enough to try anything.
During our second visit, Julie had asked, “What would be some examples, Damon, of situations between you and Justin that you would normally have Blake handle?”
“Dealing with him on an emotional level and making love to him would be the first two that come to mind,” Damon said.
“Making love to him?”
“Yes. I fuck him, I don’t make love to him.”
“And why is that?
“That would require…”
“That would require what?” she nudged.
“I... would... need…”
“Just breathe, lower your head between your legs, and count backwards from one hundred. You’re experiencing a panic attack.”
In my opinion, that session was a complete failure, but Julie insisted the opposite. The fact that Damon had the attack meant his brain was trying to deal with the situation on its own. Without the interference of Blake. Hearing Blake reduced to an “interference” made my heart scream.
