Page 63 of Surviving the Merge
“I’m impressed that you’re so open to sex after what happened.”
“That took time, Sam. For the first year, I couldn’t be touched at all. No hugs, kisses... nothing.” Into the second year, I started masturbating excessively. Obsessed. Shame would set in soon after, then hysteria. Blake loved me through it all. “Slowly, I became okay with being held while I slept.” But if I felt Blake harden behind me, all bets were off. He never once complained or made me feel guilty for being only half of me. If he suffered, it was done in silence. “Eventually, I worked my way up to being penetrated, but I couldn’t reach completion. Not unless I jerked myself off.” I peered down at Sam again. Her eyes exuded a tender care, and she looped her arm through mine.
“I got better in stages, and soon, I was making up for lost time.” Blake couldn’t keep up. My sex drive became unmanageable. He urged me several times to talk to someone, but I wouldn’t. I just wanted to forget. “I put what happened out of my mind.” After some time, I no longer needed Blake to pull into gas stations so that he could take me over the sink of the grimy restroom, all because I couldn’t wait the fifteen minutes it would’ve taken to get us home.
“And then I started craving something else. Something I hadn’t had in a long time. I ended up getting what I wanted, but not without consequences.”
Warm pressure encased my forearm. I looked down and covered Sam’s hand with mine. Then I placed my arm around her shoulder and drew her into my side. We stood in silence, watching the last dregs of sun rays fall below the horizon.
“You should go talk to him. If you really want to be friends, you’ll need to tell him everything. Sorry might not cut it,” she said.
“Yeah, you might be right.” Giving her shoulder one final squeeze, I let go and marched across the yard, shimmying between the shrubs.
Everyone grew quiet at my approach. Max’s shot daggers at me with his eyes. Pluto lay on the grass with his tongue out, looking between the both of us before deciding to come say hello. “Hey, Pluto. I’ve missed you too.”
“He doesn’t even know you,” Max drawled. “None of us do.”
His poorly concealed reference to him not knowing who I really was hit its mark. “Fair enough. I’m here to fix that.” I fetched the empty lawn chain leaning against the house and joined the circle. “Sorry for interrupting,” I addressed everyone, “but there’s a wrong that I need to make right. If you’ll allow me a moment of your time, I’d like to do that. In front of all of you.” When no one responded, I took that as my cue to continue.
“My name is Justin. That’s my house over there.” I pointed behind me. I exhaled sharply and looked straight at Max. No more hiding. From now on, I would live in my truth. “I left Chadwick shortly after being brutally beaten...” I hesitated, “and raped, at a fraternity party some years ago.”
Max’s expression shifted from mild annoyance to horror.
“I ran from this town and the memories it held. I ran right back into its arms after discovering that my husband’s betrayal was the catalyst to what took place that night.” A few murmurs started up, but Max didn’t take his eyes off me. “Well, to be fair, I always knew he started the domino effect. What I recently found out, however, is that it wasn’t husband number one that betrayed me, but husband number two.” Looking around, I saw the same look of pity and confusion on everyone’s face.
“I guess I should start from the beginning.” I felt a hand rest on my shoulder from behind. My magic-girl had my back.
* * *
“Why didn’tyou tell me this when you came to apologize?” Max asked.
We’d left the circle and were now standing by the shrubs that separated our yards. I watched Sam make her introductions and converse with the remaining Misfit members.
“It’s not the easiest thing to talk about, Max. You were pissed, and I couldn’t think fast enough when you opened the door. Would I scare you away with my drama? Would you think I was full of shit? Was it too much too soon? And I was exhausted and feeling low.”
Max nodded his head in understanding. “So that was Damon I met?”
“Yeah.”
Max shoved a hand through his hair and whistled. “I gotta say, he’s intimidating. He sucks all the air out of a room. How do you deal with him?”
“It’s not easy,” I said dryly, “but when it gets to be too much, I remind myself that at his core, Damon is still a child. A scared child. His emotional development doesn’t stray too far from that fact.”
“I know there’s more to this story than what you were able to share in those handful of minutes, and I get that it’s not only your story to tell, so I won’t push for more,” he said.
“Thank you. That means a lot.”
“You’re more than welcome to stay. I can properly introduce you to everyone. You’ll be seeing them a lot, anyway.”
“Maybe some other time,” I said, watching Sam head my way.
“Raincheck?” He winked.
I laughed, “I owe you a ‘bit,’ and you owe me introductions.”
“Don’t forget the drink,” he quipped. I shook my head, happy to be back in his good graces.
His voice dropped a register. “See you tomorrow...friend.”
