Page 24 of Surviving the Merge
He gave a pensive look. “No, it’s more than that. Whatever it is, it’s hidden from me. Things have changed in five years.” The last part said to himself. It surprised Damon that Blake had the ability to hide from him.
Convinced it wasn’t anything more than what we were currently dealing with, I pressed on. “When he’s acting as host, you can’t see or hear what’s going on. Nor can you force a transition. Unless his guards are down?” I tried to wrap my mind around it. The rules kept adjusting.
“Yeah. Like at Elite. Or tonight, down in the garage. Don’t worry, I’m working on a more permanent hostile takeover.” He popped a fortune cookie into his curved, smug mouth.
I ignored the bait. “Can he see or hear what’s going on when you’re present?”
“No. Think of it as a revolving door. On the other side, it's black and vast. When one of us swings through”—he gestured around us—“the other swings into the dark. We’re not conscious that we were there until we come back through and realize we’ve lost time. But with enough stressors at play, we can become alert—”
“Cognitive.”
“What?”
“Cognitive. That’s the word Julie uses.”
He tried out the word. “Which is when we struggle to break free. The one that is physically present—”
“Sentient.” I supplied, and he gave me a look. “Sorry, go on.”
“Can willingly allow entrance or hold that revolving door in place. It takes a lot of mental energy to do that for long periods of time. There was a time when I held sole control over when the pendulum would swing. As I said, things have changed.”
“It wasn’t always like this, though. I remember Blake always had your memories and was aware of everything that had taken place in his absence. Unless you didn’t want him to. Which I recall was only when we were... you know.”
“Fucking?”
“Yes,” I snapped. His brashness during such a serious discussion irritated me. He did it for shock value. Damon wanted me off-kilter. I tried my best not to let him get to me, but there was only so much a person could take.
“What? You stopped sayingfuckingsince the last time I saw you?”
“Focus, Damon!” A breath. “Blake had your memories, and now?”
“Yes, well, that was before Blake hated myfuckingguts.” He smirked at his own cleverness. My fingers itched to wipe it off his face. “We were on the same side. It was also when I maintained full control. My mind was open to him, and we came and went as needed. Always capable of shutting him out or deciding how much access and freedom he had. But you’re right. It was rare that I needed to be authoritative with him.”
“He doesn’t hate you. You were out of sight andmindfor five years, and now here you are. Blake’s leery of your intentions.”
And so am I.
“Well, he should be. I want you back, completely.”
“What about what I want, Damon?” My question didn’t make sense to him.
“I know what you want.”
“Not if you think doing away with Blake is a good idea. Have you thought this through?”
I leaned against the countertop and crossed my arms over my chest. “What are you going to do with Blake’s business? Are you going to run it for him? Do you even know how?”
“Are you forgetting it’s my degree and my brain that helped him get to where he is? I could spearhead the company with no problem.”
“What about the staff? They don’t know you. Business contacts? The banks that are involved? You haven’t thought this through, Damon. We aren’t kids anymore!”
“I know that! You know, we sort of look alike, he and I, so it won’t be the hardest thing to do,” he added sarcastically, and I resorted to an eye roll. “I’m not saying it will be easy, but you’re making it sound like I’ll have to figure it all out on my own.”
“You will. If you push Blake out for good, I will not stay with you,” I said, hoping he didn’t pick up on the slight tremor to my voice.
“Is that an ultimatum?”
“No, I’m being honest with you. I’ve learned a lot over the past month. I want a life that’s bigger than our drama, Damon. I want friends. I want to try new things: travel, volunteer, cook, garden. I want to inspire and be inspired. Ineedto grow. I don’t think I can do or be all that with only you in the picture. You won’t allow me to give myself to anything but you. You’ll fight me every step of the way.”
