Page 20 of Surviving the Merge
“Fast forward to a few days after Justin’s rape, and I’m a permanent fixture. Justin and I picked up the pieces and moved on, and Damon goes unseen and unheard of for five years. Now he’s back. The difference now is that whenhe’sback, I’m gone. Not only when they’re intimate. I lose time completely, until he leaves.”
I ran a hand through Blake’s hair, and he leaned in with a sigh of contentment. Julie retrieved her writing instruments from where she’d slipped them on the coffee table and finished up her notations.
“It sounds like it’s not the actual progression or addition to current trauma that influences the change in dynamics between you and Damon, but when something new is required of him emotionally. Something completely foreign to him. You communicated completely internally until Benjamin needed him to love him in a way Damon didn’t think himself capable of. That’s when the first shift?or switch as you called it—took place. Then, after the death of his brother and mother, he no longer needed the softer side of himself?which would be you?as often, so your relationship went back to being mostly internalized. Eventually, Justin enters the picture, and he’s back to physically needing you. And he maintained complete control.” She took a deep breath and looked up from her notes. “I’m going to be completely honest with you. I’ve never seen a case where the host has absolute supremacy.”
I sat forward. “What does that mean?”
“One of three things is happening.” She started to tick them off her fingers. “Either Damon is still in full command and doesn’t understand that yet.”
She included a second digit.
“He knows, but doesn’t want you to know that, yet, for whatever reason. Or your time here has enabled you to develop guards that he hasn’t fully worked out how to penetrate by force, since your comings and goings have always been consensual. Until now.”
Blake appeared troubled by the wordconsensual,but the look on his face vanished so fast I thought I must have imagined it.
“The latter is the more likely option. I can feel him trying to push through,” Blake said.
“Which means this is now moving from consent to force. We need to keep your relationship mutual. We’re already ahead of the game significantly if we can do that.” She gave us time to digest this before moving on. Her eyes landed on me. “I’m aware that as of right now, your only communication with Damon happens at Elite. You’ll need to discuss this with him as soon as possible.” To Blake, she said, “And we’ll need to figure out how we get Damon out of Elite and into my office. If he agrees.” She regarded me with a raised brow.
“Oh, he’ll agree,” I told her. Hopefully, we could accomplish that goal without violence. She glanced at her watch, which prompted me to look at mine. We’d gone over our allotted time.
Wrapping things up, she said, “Justin, your assignment is to make Damon abreast of what’s going on and what’s needed of him. Blake, I need you to learn all you can about a drug called seproxetine. I’ll be discussing it with you the next time we meet.”
With that, she stood, and we both followed suit. Coming closer to take both our hands in hers, she said, “Don’t hesitate to call me. No matter what time. If I’m with a patient, tell my assistant that it’s an emergency, and she’ll put you through. If it’s after hours, my calls are redirected to an on-call service that can get in touch with me.”
“Thank you. We might take you up on it,” I said.
6
Iran, and I danced, and I sat and gazed out the window.
That about summed up my daily routine since taking my leave of absence from the theatre. Earlier today, I decided to switch things up a bit. Instead of sitting on the sofa and rain-watching, I perched on a stool at the kitchen counter, giving me a direct view through the living room to the windowed walls.
The lights in the apartment were off. And although daytime, the storm clouds prevented any illumination the sun may have offered from getting inside. Checking the clock over the stove confirmed it was still afternoon.I can’t go on like this much longer.
It’d been a great esteem boost when Julie approved of my decision to take time off to find myself. Her validation of my choices meant everything to me.
I still toyed with my initial idea of starting a garden at the Chadwick house. Nervous about going back—back to my past—but it had to be done.
Several weeks had gone by since Julie issued my assignment to make contact with Damon, and I had yet to complete it. Conflicted and un-ready to face him.
A confrontation regarding the part he played in what happened to me would be unavoidable.But is now the right time?I asked myself. Would it jeopardize what we were trying to accomplish? Should I delay the conversation with him until we got a little more therapy under our belts? Could therapy be productive if I held on to this outrage? What if I could no longer be in the same room with him? What if he tried to have sex with me? Unsure if I could. What if he brushed off my feelings? What if, what if, what if?
Pushing away from the counter, I roughly pulled the elastic tie from my hair and ventured to the living room.
The couch won.
I sank my hands into my hair, admitting to myself that in spite of everything... I missed him. My body missed him too. My cock pulsed at inopportune times solely from thinking about him. Good thoughts or bad. Even right then, I could feel the heaviness between my legs aching for his attention. I pressed down on it through my sweats with the heel of my palm. Willing it to subside.
Aware that Blake could tell when I used him as a substitute for Damon, I no longer initiated sex during those moments. Moments when I needed what felt like a hate-fuck. Moments like the one I currently experienced. It wasn’t fair to him.
I also tried not to let my tension around missing Damon show around Blake because it spiraled his own anxiety.
Our sessions reached a standstill. Until we got access to Damon, we couldn’t move forward. Julie hadn’t rushed me to do anything I wasn’t ready to. But it had to be done.
Soon.
She went on to further expound on the anxiety medication that she had Blake research: seproxetine. It would be used as a means to relax their mental shields. To allow a seamless flow and exchange between one another, without Blake having to fear that letting his guard down could mean total annihilation. The drug would affect Damon as much as it would Blake. They’d be on an even playing field.
