Page 71 of Surviving the Break
I raised a brow. “He will?”
“Trust me.”
Having no other options, I agreed.
29
ASH
Diving to the bottom of the pool, I hung out there, eyes fixed straight ahead, barely registering the air bubbles breaking free of me. I shook my head; my eyes widened in the pool as it became harder to hold my breath.
I reflected back on the call from the clinic and how I had sunk to the floor of my living room, listening to a distraught Max in the background, asking for confirmation that it was me on the line. I hated to hear his agony. I hated being the cause of it. His hopeful voice coming through the line felt like what I imagined the red hot tip of a poker piercing through my chest would feel like. I needed more time, but it killed me to know the effect it was having on him. I had to say something. Reassure him that he wasn’t to blame for this. I’d thrown my phone at the wall when the call ended.
My lungs burned. I didn’t want to surface yet; I needed to feel the pain. It was different to the pain I’d been feeling in the center of my chest. A nice reprieve. My feet kicked on their own accord. Propelling me to the surface. Even my own body fought against me.
I recalled the elevator ride I took down to the lobby of my building when Max showed up. I’d held the door-close button with my head pressed against the metal doors until his voice grew distant, signaling his departure.
I broke through the surface of the water, heaving for life, dragging myself to the ladder and clutching it, trying to catch a breath. If near-death by drowning didn’t put me down for the night, then nothing would.
I climbed out and fell along the side of the pool. My limbs were heavy and useless, and I lay there on my back, giving my body enough time to grasp the fact that I lived. If only barely.
I rolled over to my hands and knees and got upright, somehow making it to the sliding doors and up the stairs, leaving a trail of water in my wake. Trembling, I got into the shower and stood under the hot water, reflecting.Always reflecting.
There were risks to getting involved with someone broken. Someone who didn’t believe they could survive the break. I didn’t regret it because, at some point, I would be better for having taken that risk. Another lesson to learn from.
I remembered sitting on my mother's lap once and asking her why my father didn’t want us. She’d said sometimes love is just too big a thing for some people. They’d rather run from the responsibility of it than to deal with the fear of not getting it right. Or that they might get it right but lose it anyway. I was too young to fully comprehend, then. I now understood why my father ran from the responsibility of love, because I’d suddenly become the coward that left in avoidance of being left.Like father, like son.Only, I hadn’t really left. I was selfishly keeping us in limbo. My fear played tug of war with my heart. Which of the two would be the victor?
I empathized with Max in a whole new way now. Because seeing him kiss Hayden was the equivalent of a thousand tiny deaths. And if love had that kind of capability, how could I want any parts of it?
I sat on the shower bench, resting my head in my hands while the steam encased me in its arms. I wasn’t the same man I was more than a handful of days ago. And until the pity-party ended, I wouldn’t know the extent of the change between the before and the after me. I’d managed to keep up appearances at work, for the most part. No one noticed a difference in me; they thought me the same person. But who I was, was not what it looked like. They couldn’t tell by landing eyes on me, but I was something new. Or maybe I’d been residing in a state of delusion, and the truth was everyone knew everything.
I’d been successful at shaking Damon. That too would soon come to an end. He wouldn’t rest until he tracked me down. Until he’d slayed my dragon.
Standing, I swayed on my feet, leaning against the glass shower wall, bracing myself with one hand. The thought of going back to bed alone nauseated me. Sleep meant being subjected to the inevitable flashbacks of him. Of us. And although being in the midst of those dreams was my happy place, knowing I’d wake up alone made me question sleep’s worth. The most difficult moments were always upon waking. There was maybe a ten-second window where I wasn’t aware I should be in pain. Then the fog of sleep cleared, and it all came barreling back. That’s when the pain sank deep, burrowing and settling and making a home under my skin. Becoming a neighbor to my bones and a detriment to everything around it. It felt contagious, my pain. I’d remained alone to avoid infecting others with my hurt.
I thought back to the time I had chased him around the house, cornering him in the laundry room. He had nowhere to go but inside my waiting mouth.
I reached around the steamy shower stall in search of the soap dispenser, gripping my hardness once I had a handful. I stroked in time to the memory of him being on his knees and me running my cock across his lips and then backing away. Nearly coming when the tip of his tongue darted out to stroke and offer comfort to the abandoned area.
I laughed in pain but stroked harder and faster when I remembered a conversation we’d had prior to his leaving for Kentucky. He’d had someplace to be, but I did my best to get him to stay. “I need to go,” he’d said. “The children are starting to get jealous of how much time you and I are spending together.”
“But you haven’t neglected your commitment to The Center,” I said, afraid that maybe I’d unintentionally kept him away.
“I’m talking about Justin and Sam,” he said before kissing me and leaving. I loved him more for how much he cared for his friends.
Suffocating from the intense steam, I fucked my hand until I came on a garbled moan with a fist squeezing my heart. For a moment I forgot why I needed time to clear my mind. To reassess things. To run. I loved Max, and Max loved— Did he love me? I’d been sure of it at one point. All signs pointed to that. In my new realm of self-doubt, I now questioned that too.And he’d never told me.
A sound from downstairs drew my attention. I toweled off and threw on some pants and made my way down. I exhaled at the sight of the person peering at the pool through the patio doors. “I texted you the new code for emergency purposes only. Not so you could stalk me, Damon.” I got the mop out of the hall closet to wipe up the water I’d trailed in from the pool. It took him a while to answer.
“You only swim this late at night when you have nightmares.”
I stopped to stare at his back, surprised by his observation. “It’s fine, Damon. I’m fine.”
He circled to face me, his glare unexpectedly tender. “You’ve never been one to bullshit, Ash. Let’s not start now.”
I sighed, propped the mop against the wall, and then pulled a bottle of scotch and two tumblers out of the kitchen cabinet before motioning with the bottle in my hand for him to sit at the island. “You’ve never brought up my nightmares before.” I poured a finger in each glass, sliding his glass across the marble counter.
He eyed the contents before throwing it back and gesturing for a refill. “I know.”
