Page 63 of Surviving the Break
“For the way he stared at you.”
I gave him a look that asked for more.
“Like you were the one that got away,” he whispered. “And then when Jeremiah called you Daddy and reached for you…” He closed his eyes, and I gently pulled his eyelids up.
“Finish,” I said.
“When he called you Daddy, the look on your face…” He hesitated for a beat. “You looked like you would’ve given anything to not have gotten away.” Ash changed positions, straddling my lap. His favorite place when he had something breathtaking to say. He sat there in the darkness of the barn, the flame from the lamp a backdrop, and he bled for me. “I wanteverythingwith you, Max. You’re my center of gravity.” He wrapped his hands around the fringes of my neck and squeezed gently. Coming closer to run his lips over my Adam’s apple. “But Iwon’tlive a life with a love that isn’t mine.”
Who could resist such ruthless honesty? “I’ll never be able to compete with your language of love, Ash.” I smiled weakly, holding on to his wrists. Not to relieve the pressure, but to keep him there, to let him know I welcomed it.Don’t let go.
“Speak from your heart, Max. That’s always been good enough for me.”
Ash’s love for me was neat and exact. My love for him was messy. Weighed down by complication and pain and paved with endless roads made for running. “I hated those moments when I pulled away from you. I suffered for it every time. I’m done suffering, Ash.” I shook my head. “No more.” It hurt to see his confidence unravel. Even just a little bit. I grabbed his hips and flipped us over, pinning his right leg around me as I made my way inside him. I didn’t move. I just needed to be there becauseinhim was where I found clarity. “That moment with Jeremiah nearly crippled me. I want to be a father, Ash. In all the time I’d been harboring this anger and resentment, I never took a second to contemplate the idea of still being a father. It’s as if I subconsciously assumed I’d missed my one and only chance. Today, with that one word, something reawakened in me.” I secured his other leg around me and raised myself up, planting both fists into the hay beneath us. Caging him in. He held firmly to mywrists as I moved slow and deep right through him. “My struggle isn’t one of regret. Not anymore. My life with Hayden wasn’t real, Ash.” I changed my angle, tugging a moan from him. “Thisis real.” My breathing deepened. Incredible how brave you could be when you felt safe. “My half-life ended like it was supposed to. Because my true place is with you.” My eyes grew hot, and our lovemaking turned into something more needy. “I’d go through it all again to get to you, Ash. I promise.”
I lowered my chest to his, giving his cock some much-needed friction against our joined bellies, and his strong thighs threatened to snap me in half. I fucked him long after he spilled in between us, and he didn’t complain. Neither of us wanted the moment to be over. Hay stuck to my sweaty arms, and when I rolled Ash on top of me, it covered his back.
With one arm shot straight behind me and the other around his firm waist, I raised into a bridge and fucked into him repeatedly while he held a squat position, leg muscles flexed, ass clenched, skin warm and sweat-slicked. “Fuck, I’m coming—”
Ash scurried off my cock, leaving it wet and angry, and scrambled between my legs. I came with my cock cradled in his throat and a finger in my ass, screaming his name.
He crawled up my body and stole my mouth like I had no business having it in the first place. I licked along his gum line, taking in the traces of my semen. He tossed me over and raised my hips, diving into me tongue-first so fast that I skidded forward and onto my face.
Once we’d cooled down, we made it over to the blanket and rested side by side. “I don’t need him to be in pain in order for me to be free of it,” I said.
“You need to forgive him.” Ash understood. “Are you sure?”
I hated that this ordeal caused him to question himself. Because his question stemmed from him wavering in his belief that he was enough. AndmyAsh walked through life knowing he was worthy of everything. “I only want you.”
“Okay,” he said, turning on his side, hitching up on his elbow and resting his head on his hand. “What do you love most about sex with me?”
Sex talk. The perfect mood stimulator. “That it’s too much but never enough,” I said. “You walk through life knowing that every moment counts and refusing to waste a second of it. Your confidence screams the world is yours for the taking. And you take me in the same manner. Like that moment might be your last so it has to be better than the time before. Like fucking me senseless is your sole purpose for being. Like I am yours for the taking.” I slid my hand down my chest to my burgeoning cock. “Your turn.” My face flushed at my request.
“That.” He pointed to the scarlet rising on my skin. “You’re built tough.” He squeezed my pecs. “You’re strong and larger than life. You take my dick like a champion, and you fuck me like a raging bull. But then you blush after shouting for me to suck your hole harder or to keep fucking you long after you’ve had enough.” He considered me a moment and sought out his own cock, stroking in time with me. “You’re this juxtaposition of sweet innocence and a man's man.” Our bodies twitched in tandem as we pulled harder and tighter on ourselves. “Perfectly capable of bringing down a tree but can be shy about how nasty you want it.” We were both hot and bothered, spreading our thighs wider. “I could fuck you now just thinking about it.”
“Please do.”
He fingered the part of my neck that grew hot from my spoken words, then lunged, latching on with his teeth while frantically finding my hole and jamming in. Fucking me long after I’d had enough.
25
ASH
We made our way back to the cottage, and I appeared busy, going through our purchases while listening to Max make plans with Hayden for lunch the following day. It sounded like Hayden was pushing for Max to come to the house, but Max kept insisting that wasn’t going to happen. We both startled when the plastic hanger I didn’t recall picking up snapped between my hands. He hung up and tossed the phone onto the bed, gnashing at his bottom lip while taking me in carefully. “He asked you to come to his house—yourhouse?” I asked incredulously. “Isn’t he married? Where’s his wife?” My temper toward Hayden flared.
He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, I told him we’d meet in a public place.” He ran a hand back and forth over the top of his head. This wasn’t easy for him. Coming face to face with Hayden unexpectedly after not seeing or speaking to him since the breakup had to make him feel like he’d lost the upper hand. And then there was the child. At least choosing the time and location would get the ball back in his court.
Don’t make this about you.I kept reminding myself, but I was human, and I wanted to break Hayden in two and get the hell out of there. I peered down at the broken hanger in my hand, that I so wished was Hayden, before chucking it in the trash. In my quest to be there for Max, insecurities I’d never before fallen victim to was sprouting.
Didn’t help that Max hadn’t verbally admitted to loving me. Sure, I knew it, but it would’ve been a lie to say his inability to verbalize it didn’t bother me. As upfront as I tended to be, Max’s love for me was something I wouldn’t mention. Not now, anyway. It wouldn’t be the same if I pressured him on that front. I told myself he just needed to close the book on this chapter of his life first.Yeah, that’s it.Then why did it feel like we were on the verge of implosion?
“Are you still okay with this?” he asked.
“Yeah, Max,” I reassured him. The small comfort I’d taken in Hayden not wanting a future with Max was now mute. My worry that resided in Max wantinghimhad altered.Hayden’s ill-concealed happiness at seeing Max showed all his cards. He wanted Max, and no matter what Max said earlier, I wondered how long into their meetup would it take Max to decide he wanted Hayden too. Hayden was manipulative, and I’d bet my life that he’d use the Jeremiah card in a heartbeat to get what he wanted. I exhaled, abandoning the control I never had. “Don’t worry about me. You need to do this.”
Max came around the bed, pulling me into his arms. He said nothing, wise enough to know words wouldn’t do. Max needed to show me that I’d remain his choice.
Ryan invited us down to the farm for a bonfire. I looked forward to meeting one of Max’s childhood friends. We cleaned up and headed out, enjoying the blush of the setting sun tinging the clear sky pink. With the temperature only a smidge warmer than frigid, we drove to the main house instead of walking. “Are you sure we shouldn’t take this indoors?” I cranked up the heat in the car.
