Page 151 of The Wedding Dress Repair Shop
He himself grows stronger, but still keeps to his rooms, especially when there are visitors, although in this remote spot that is a rare enough occurrence. He appears to have a great dread of people seeing his disfigurement. Nor does he seek my company and my only amusements, when I am well enough, are to take short walks in the shrubbery, or read the novels that Sophia devours.
*
October
A dressmaker was summoned to make looser garments for me, for although I have put on no flesh elsewhere, my stomach is now already very big …
Sophia says it is often so with small women, and also said spitefully that women of such small stature have great pain and difficulty in the delivery of their children, which has only added to my terror, for I remember the trials Mama suffered and her permanent poor health after several confinements.
I am shut up here in this godforsaken place, with nothing to doand no congenial company, other than Sara – and no hope of escape, for when I tentatively asked Guy if, when he was a little better, we might return to London and make our home there, he told me we would be permanently fixed at the Hall, where, once he was well enough, he would take over the management of the estate for his brother.
I was in total despair at this news, and feel so very trapped, both by my condition and my married state, which renders me penniless.
Or almost so, for I still have a little gold hidden away in the trunk containing my lovely Titania costume … and I have hidden the first volume of my memoir and journal there, too.
I cannot stand the prospect of living here for ever, with a husband who seems to hate me, and Rafe and Sophia, who both despise me.
That is, if I survive the travails of childbirth …
When I said this to Sara she told me I should not be maudlin, for there were many small women who had brought children into the world and survived to tell the tale! Also, that I must try and look forward to the arrival of my babe, for once I hold it in my arms, I will think all was worth it.
I cannot confess even to her that I resent the child I carry for ruining my health and keeping me here, and my longing for the day it is born is solely due to the prospect that I might then escape, for I know even Sara would think this unnatural.
Guy does not grow warmer towards me, but seems now almost to hate me, so lately I have even wondered if perhaps he would agree that we might separate, difficult though that might be for me: penniless, and with my way in the world to make again. Though, of course, with good friends to assist me …
Sara points out that if I do so, then my child will stay here andI will probably never be permitted to see it again, but that price I am willing to pay for my freedom.
*
November
I am in great distress, for Guy says Sara has been mollycoddling me and encouraging me in my airs and megrims, and has sent her back to London!
This is beyond cruel and I am reeling from the blow. The young maid, Mary, who is to wait on me now, is kindly and helpful, but can never be my friend and confidante, as Sara was.
And yet, since she is betrothed to one of the grooms, she might yet be of use to me …
*
December
It is so cold and the house draughty that I keep to my rooms very much … and without Sara find myself sinking into a deep gloom I cannot rid myself of. I am now very big and the babe lively, which also predisposes me to dark despair at the thought of the ordeal to come – and my appetite, only capriciously returned, has vanished.
Sophia worries and urges me to eat for the sake of the child …
*
Today I could have embraced Sophia, for she has persuaded Guy to allow Sara to return!
It was for the good of the babe, of course, and since Rafe andSophia have no children of their own, it will be the heir to the estate. I had not thought of this.
*
Oh, joy! Sara has returned and, despite much scolding of me for my lack of spirits and appetite, has already chased away some of the black clouds and given me a little hope. Also, she brought letters from dear Letty, assuring me of her affection and her hope that, once my confinement is over and I am fit enough, I might be able to make a long stay with her in London.
If I am allowed to do so, then I am determined I will not return, despite knowing that leaving my husband would be a bold and terrible step to take.
*
