Page 40 of Britta & the Beach Boy
IfeelStella roll her eyes. That’s the magnitude of her disbelief. “Yes, you are. But what are you really afraid of? That you were going to have to tell him no tonight? Or that you might catch feelings for him?”
Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes. “People don’t justcatchfeelings.”
“Not if they don’t let themselves,” she counters with a smug smile. “Is that what you’re doing?”
I pull my lips in tight, refusing to answer her questions. I’m already uncomfortable enough thinking about them.
Stella gets the message, because she pulls out her phone and scrolls through Tik Tok. She chatters about what she’s watching and shows videos to me when we’re stopped in traffic.
I answer when I have to, but I’m back in my head, thinking about what both Dad and Stella have said tonight. There’s a lot to consider, especially when I get honest with myself about what I want for the future.
Maybe it’s notBritta’s.
Maybe itisDex.
Or maybe it’s neither. I’m not sure. But I'm open to the possibility of finding out.
Chapter fifteen
Britta
Stella and I get home late. We’ve had a long day in the sun, we’re both dead on our feet, and I’ve told Annie I’d be at the shop when it opens at six a.m. But when I crawl into bed, I can’t fall asleep. My mind keeps turning over everything that’s happened today.
Introspection isn’t my favorite, and I’ve had to do a lot of it t. Squished in between examining my anger towards Mom and grappling with regret for not taking Stella’s career into account, is the realization that Ididrun from Dex. And I did it on a monumental day for him he’d invited me to be part of. He’s been nothing but generous, and I chose not to have a mildly awkward conversation about “expectations” with him.
The truth is, I think I used that as an excuse because Iamafraid of “catching” feelings for him. And I’d really rather not. I don’t want the heartbreak of saying goodbye.
But I remember Mom saying something when she was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s:I won’t letfears about my future get in the way of enjoying my now,and maybe she was right
Mom had squeezed the most out of life first. Some people would have traveled and checked as much as possible off their bucket list. Mom focused on loving everyone, giving as much of herself as she could before that self disappeared.
Except that part of Mom never disappeared, even when she couldn’t give much more than a smile. Her friendly and open nature is why everyone remembers her. Not her coffee or ebelskiver, but the fact she made and served them with all the love she could.
Remembering Mom like that opens a place in my heart that’s been sealed shut. Relief and acceptance slip in, loosening the stranglehold guilt has had on me. With that loosening, the tears I’ve held back for so long come freely. The distant sound of waves lapping the shore lulls me to sleep.
The next morning, my eyes are red and puffy, and I look like I got even less sleep than I did—which wasn’t much. I’m so tired, but I feel lighter than I have in…I honestly don’t remember how long. The waves that sounded far away and gentle last night are louder, crashing with the energy of high tide, reminding me of Dex, his kiss, his win, and the possibility of achieving the impossible.
The last two days with him and Stella, and even Archie, were exactly the break I didn’t think I needed. My life since Mom got sick has been one of routine and schedules. When the unexpected happened, it usually came as an emergency. I’ve lived in fear of something happening that wasn’t scheduled.
Staying an extra day in San Clemente wasn’t on my calendar, but it was the best day I’ve had in years. I couldn’t have anticipated how much I’d enjoy watching a competition for a sport I barely knew anything about, or that I would fall in love with it. Everything about yesterday was unpredictable, in the very best way. Maybe that’s part of what made me run too. I’m used to pulse-racing anxiety—not happiness—that comes with not knowing what’s next.
The time both with and watching Dex was a reset button. I feel invigorated. I’m excited to work with Annie, not just to stay busy, but also because there may be something I can learn from her I can use back atBritta’s.
But I don’t want to think about going back to Paradise today. I’m living in the now, so even though it’s only a little after five a.m., I send Dex a message. He’s an early riser, but I hope he’s got his phone on silent if he’s let his alarm have a day off.
Dear World’s Greatest Surfer. Thanks for everything yesterday. I’m sorry I left so suddenly. I owe you dinner. When do you get back?
Thirty minutes later, as I head out the door forAnnie’s,my phone dings. I dig it out of my purse. It has to be Dex, and my lips kick into a grin when I see his name on my screen.
Dear World’s Greatest Barista. Thanks for being there. You DO owe me dinner. Be back next week.
My laugh at his greeting morphs into a frown. If Dex is gone for a week, and I leave LA when Stella does in ten days, that will only give Dex and me a couple of days to hang out. The lightness that had me floating only a few minutes ago leaks away.
Ten days also doesn’t give me time to do much for Annie. And Britta’s will still be closed…
All things to consider.
I arrive atAnnie’sa couple minutes before Annie, who gives me a forced smile that holds little happiness. She looks even more fatigued than the first time we met.
