Page 19 of Explorer's Revenge
Ishould be asleep. My body is tired after a long day of trekking through the jungle, but my mind is wide awake. A change in the atmosphere or location and I struggle to sleep, worried old trauma will rise. After years in this job, you would think it would get better, but no. It’s just something I have grown accustomed to. I love this occupation and my brothers enough to endure it. Besides, I feel safer out here with them than I ever did in a bedroom in the city, with too many doors and locks to keep me in.
I still wear the scars from my childhood like brands, but it’s the mental ones I can never escape.
I haven’t spoken to the others about what happened, but they’ve put enough pieces together. I also know they try their best to protect me, so it doesn’t surprise me that when I get up to sit by the fire, wrapping my bag around me, Way finds his way to me, ducking under the material to share the heat.
“Can’t sleep?” he asks after a moment, his voice low so he doesn’t wake the others.
I shake my head, unable to look at him, ashamed of how fragile my mind is. I feel like I’m their weakness. It must be exhausting always having to protect and monitor me, but theyhave never complained. They just call themselves my brothers and hold me until I’m better.
I’m not the only one with issues. Normal people don’t choose to do what we do. We are all trying to escape something, be it our pasts, our minds, or how we feel.
We look for answers in the unknown, and we find the beauty in what others deem terrifying.
I suppose most people look for guidance and answers in the mundane, but not us. We search mountains, explore caves, swim in oceans, and scale glaciers in search of them. They call us adrenaline junkies, but they don’t see the peace we find together in nature.
“Memories?” he asks after a moment.
“My mind is just too loud to relax,” I murmur softly. “It’s always like this. I’ll be okay, go back to bed.”
“Not a chance, we’re brothers.” He moves closer. “You’re up, so I’m up.”
I know Way misses his brother, and he envies the bond Rick and Wilder have. Every time he calls us “brother,” it’s tinged with both sadness and happiness.
Yes, we all have our own demons.
We sit in silence for a bit, and I feel him looking at me, his eyes running over my face. He’s started to do that more, and I don’t know why, but it makes me nervous. When I glance over, he meets my eyes as his hand slides over the jungle floor and grips mine. I turn mine over and twine our fingers. Something about it makes my cheeks heat, and the small smile he aims my way dazzles me for a moment.
Way is handsome, and he knows it. When we are like this, it’s my favorite time of the day.
He always seeks me out in the dark, sleeping by my side, waking with every nightmare, and sitting with me on sleepless nights.
I don’t know why. Is it because he wants to protect me like he couldn’t protect his brother?
His smile slowly drops, and I swear his gaze slips down my face, though I’m not sure why. When his eyes meet mine again, they are filled with something that scares me as much as it has me holding his hand tighter.
A snore breaks the moment, filling the air and making us jolt apart, and it’s only then I realize we were leaning into each other. Another snore makes us look back, and Logan turns in his hammock, his arms windmilling for a second as he almost falls before he rights himself and goes straight back to snoring.
Shaking my head, I look at the fire as Way chuckles. “Some things never change.”
“Some things do,” I reply, and I feel him staring at me again. It’s different this time, questioning, but I’m not sure why.
“Did you really speak to Carter? Like, actually manage to speak to her?” Way murmurs, and I hear the shock in his words. I don’t blame him. I’ve never been able to before.
Pursing my lips, I nod. “For a little bit. Nothing important, she was just making jokes and trying to get to know me.”
It was a passing moment for her, but it was a big, momentous occasion for me.
We brushed past each other on the way to the offices.
Her body touched mine, and I usually would have gone into a meltdown, but she looked at me and smiled, and something about it seemed to calm my racing heart. I barely remember what she said, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from staring at her. I should have walked away, but I lingered.
When she went to slap my side after a joke, however, I stepped back. Her expression hadn’t changed, no offense was taken, but something in her eyes seemed knowing, and I hated that.
“And?” Way prompts when I say no more.
“I didn’t have a panic attack,” I tell him.
“Aiy, that’s huge,” he whispers. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
