Page 33 of QB Keeper
I sit there, staring like a creep, watching as he chops wood like some kind of edible lumberjack. I know I should stop looking. I'm still so angry and resentful toward him for everything that happened in our past, but I can't deny that he looks even better now than he did five years ago. I thought he was a man before, but the way he’s become bigger, harder, and more defined makes me realize that the Tanner I was dealing with before has become a whole new person. But I can't let myself forget what he did. I'm appreciative that he brought me somewhere to hide for the weekend, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to forgive him. I've spent so long trying to make sense of every detail of that day, but the fact that he left me with no answers and no real explanation broke me in a way that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get past.
I'm not saying that one day Tanner and I can't be friends again, but I'm not dumb enough to give him my trust twice just so he can throw it away like he did before. I learned that lesson the hard way the first time around. Then I decided to take a chance on Cash, and he proved to be no better than Tanner.
Fuck men, for real. You know who’s never broken my heart?My vibrator.And we’re about to have a long and happy life together.
Now that I’ve reeled myself back in and found my inner bad bitch, I face forward, ignoring the twelve-pack of abs thirty yards away and focusing on the shit show my life has turned into within the past day. I wonder if Cash found my stuff on the counter and realized I caught him. I hope he’s scared out of his mind right now, worrying about what I’m going to do. Does he care if I’m upset?
I’ve been waiting for the feeling of being broken to settle in, but it just hasn’t. Don’t get me wrong. I’m pissed that he cheated. In our bed, nonetheless. I’d be perfectly happy cutting his dick right off and throwing it out the window of amoving vehicle, but that hopelessness and despair that I’m sadly very familiar with? It’s not there.
I try not to dwell on why that is, finishing my coffee and standing to go back inside. But as soon as I round the chair, I’m hit by the sight of Tanner carrying an armful of firewood toward me.
“Good morning,” he says quietly. “Did you sleep okay?”
I clear my throat, trying my best to avert my eyes from his half-naked form. “Yeah. Thanks.” Fuck, this is awkward. This man has been a part of my life since the day I was born. He’s seen me at my best and my worst, and he knows me in ways that nobody else in the world does. So, the fact that I can barely even look at him is sobering. This is our reality now, and I hate that he did this to us. “And thanks for cleaning up. Sorry about…yesterday.”
He sets the wood down by the firepit, standing back up in front of me. “Don’t apologize for that. You had every right to react the way you did. It’s my first time back here too, so I get it.”
I snap my eyes up to his, anger immediately rising back to the surface. “You get it?” I choke out. “Yeah, I can imagine how hard it must be for you to revisit the place where you tore my heart out and left it bleeding so you could go live your life. You poor thing.” I turn to walk away, but he grabs my arm, halting me.
“Bunny, that’s not wha?—”
“Don’t fucking call me that,” I seethe, ripping my arm away from him. “We aren’t friends, Tanner. I appreciate you giving me a place to stay for the weekend, but I can assure you that after tomorrow, you can go back to your cushy, comfortable life and stop worrying about me. I’ll be fine on my own.” I hightail it toward the house, slamming the door and going straight to the bedroom, where I stay until I hear his Tesla pull away, leaving me alone to make sense of all the emotions that are battling one another inside me.
TWENTY-FIVE
TANNER
I walk into the bar,heavily considering turning around and going back home. But the guys were right. I’ve been bailing on them all summer long. I know they would understand if I just opened up and told them the truth about Grace, but they all look to me for guidance when they’re having problems. I don’t want them to know how fucked up my life has been the entire time I’ve known them.
We’ve been having our guys’ nights here since they were drafted. It started with me wanting to take them under my wing and build relationships that would transfer onto the field, but over time, Blaze, Dalton, and Maverick have become some of my best friends. I know that sounds ridiculous to say, considering there’s so much about me they don’t know, but the shame I feel about the way I handled things with Grace back then is something I’ve never been able to shake. It’s embarrassing to let the people who look up to you know that in your younger days, you didn’t follow the same advice you now give to them.
“Over here!” Dalton yells, standing up and pointing to where they’re sitting. It’s not a crowded bar, and we have a special section in the back so we can enjoy our night outwithout being interrupted by fans. I love hanging with them, but guys’ night is not the time or place to be signing autographs and shaking hands.
“Holy shit,” Maverick says, reaching out for a high five. “It lives.”
I roll my eyes, but he’s right to be shocked at my appearance tonight. I haven’t been prioritizing my friends the way I should because I’m too consumed with being near Grace, that I’m willing to risk every other relationship in my life just for a chance to look at her.
I decided tonight would be a good night to go out because, first of all, I could definitely use a drink. Secondly, I need something to stop me from driving back to the lighthouse and apologizing for how I handled things earlier. I don’t know what I was thinking, acting like being there was harder on me than it was on her. I was the one who left. She begged me to stay.
But what she doesn’t know is that I left my heart in the middle of the road with her that day. Between her saying she was considering giving up all of her dreams to stay with me, then me leaving bruises all over her body, I panicked. I spent the following months convincing myself that I had done the right thing to keep her happy and safe. By the time I realized how badly I had really fucked up, I didn’t want to barge back into her life if she had started to move on.
Could I have looked her up to see if she was with someone? Or just asked Riggs or either of our parents how she was? Probably. But I always had a fear that they would tell me the exact thing I didn’t want to hear. That’s why I don’t run or even have access to my own social media accounts. Living in ignorance has always seemed to be the easiest thing.
But I don’t want easy anymore. I wanther.
I know I can’t just swoop in and try to win her back right away. She was just cheated on and is about to end her engagement. She’s raw and vulnerable right now. I’ll do everything Ican to be there for her until she tells me she doesn’t want my help, but I need to slow my roll with thinking that I’m going to be able to gain her forgiveness and trust so easily. I’ll work for it forever if it means eventually getting a chance to show her that I still love her more than anything in this world.
But I can’t do it alone, which is why I need to finally let the guys in on everything.
We order our appetizers and drinks, waiting for the server to set them on the table before we start telling each other what we have going on. Blaze tells us all about Mads getting another promotion at Tailgate Media, now heading the entire Blizzard media team. That girl works harder than anyone I’ve ever met, so I’m not surprised.
I go to reach for a loaded nacho, but Dalton pulls the plate away quickly. “Sorry, these are for people who don’t hide their whereabouts from their friends. Hey Mav,” he turns to look at Maverick, “where were you after practice yesterday?”
Maverick looks up from his phone, clearly annoyed. “Had a photoshoot with Bella at our apartment. Something about ‘showing the fans how relatable we are’ or some shit.”
“Here you go, buddy,” Dalton says, handing him a chip before looking back to me. “Easy as that.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, taking a deep breath so I don’t end up punching this idiot in the face. When I’ve collected myself, I sit back in my chair, and tell them everything. I start at the beginning, telling them about how Grace and I agreed to keep things just physical, but that we both fell for each other in the process. I go on, giving them as many details as I’m comfortable with, including how I freaked out on that last day and left her crying outside of the lighthouse. They listen intently, letting me go on about how I still love her more than ever, and how seeing her again solidified that I’ll never be able to move on. Then, I do something I never thought I would.
