Page 25 of QB Keeper
I was supposed to protect her, and I fuckinghurt her.
I scramble off the bed, standing over her with my hands gripping my hair. I’m so fucking pissed at myself for losing control and not being more careful. I’m no better than any of the other guys I was worried about her being with, and that’s very evident by the marks that are marring her beautiful body right now. Marks thatI put there.I told her she’d be safe with me. Clearly, she isn’t.
Fuck. I hate myself.
She stirs, turning onto her back and I can see the moment the pain hits her because her brows pull in and her eyes flutter open. I should be comforting her and apologizing profusely, but all I can do is take a step backward, away from the bed.
“I lost control,” I choke out, gripping the back of my neck. “I’m sorry.”
She sits up, lifting her butt off the bed to see the damage I’ve done. Her hand trails down, gently rubbing over the marks before she looks up at me. “I’m okay. It doesn’t hurt that bad.”
I shake my head in disbelief, because there’s no way she’s telling the truth. The bruises are a deep purple with shades of red and blue around the edges, and the sight makes me want to fucking puke. The more I look at them, the worse they get.
I reach down to the floor, pick up my clothes, and quickly get dressed. Grace must be able to see the panic on my face because she shoots up to her knees, crawls across the mattress, and stands up in front of me.
“Tan, seriously. I’m fine. I wanted it. Iliked it.” She reaches for my hand, and I let her because I’m spiraling and I need the connection. Her touch grounds me even though I know I don’t deserve it. She should be so pissed at me right now.
I feel tears prick at the backs of my eyes, but I blink them away because this isn’t about me. It should’ve never beenabout me. I sink down to my knees next to her, gently ghosting my lips along the marks. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” I whisper between kisses. She runs her hands through my hair, massaging my scalp as if she knows I need comforting right now, too.
“Look at me,” she says softly. I obey, bringing my eyes up to hers. “I’m okay. Please don’t treat me differently because of this, Tanner. I’ve loved everything you’ve done to me. I don’t regret a single thing.” She cradles my face in her hands, looking down at me with one hundred percent sincerity, but I still have a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I fucked up by losing control with her. Maybe I just need a minute to clear my head, so I don’t feel so messed up over it.
I grab her underwear and shorts from the floor, lifting each of her ankles and helping her step into them. I very carefully pull them up her legs, covering the bruises on her body so they’re out of sight. I stand, helping her into her bra and tank top before weaving my fingers gently through her hair and dropping my lips to hers. The kiss clears my racing thoughts just enough so that I can take a deep breath, inhaling her scent and recentering myself.
In an attempt to distract myself even more, I remember our conversation from the dock. “You wanted to tell me something before I interrupted you last night. What was it?”
She looks confused for a few seconds, then the imaginary light bulb blinks above her head and she hits me with the most adorable smile. “Oh, yeah,” she says. “So, I’ve been thinking about California,”
I groan. “I was hoping if we ignoredits existence, it would just go away.”
She giggles. “Well, I very much doubt you could make an entire state disappear, but what if I told you we could just pretend like it isn’t there…ever?”
“What do you mean?” I say, genuinely confused.
“I mean, I don’t think I want to go anymore. I want to stay here. With you.”
I freeze.
Fuck.
This is exactly what Ididn’twant to happen when Grace and I started this arrangement. I was acting on impulse when I proposed it, and my only concern was keeping her away from anyone who could hurt her. But after last night, I realize I can’t even be trusted not to.
I’ve known for weeks that she was falling for me, but I didn’t do a single thing to stop it. Why? Because I’m a selfish motherfucker and I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to keep her until the very last minute we had together.
Because I’m falling for her, too.
But I can’t let her give up CCA to follow me around to wherever I get drafted. I’d love to play for the Boston Blizzard. It’s my dream to never have to leave home. But what happens if I end up somewhere else? What if I get drafted to some team down south and she ends up spending half the year alone, wondering if I’m staying faithful? I’d never even think of looking at another woman, but I know how rough life can be for the significant others of pro athletes, and I can’t do that to Grace. She’d live in a constant state of worry, then end up resenting me because I was the reason she didn’t chase her dreams in LA. She’s better than that. The world deserves to see her talent and wear her clothing. Shehasto go.
“You can’t just give up your dream and stay here because of me,” I say.
She gives me a hopeful smile, and my fucking heart begins to crack in my chest. “I wouldn’t. I’d just take some time off to figure out which school I’d go to here. I declined my acceptances from MCA and the New York Fashion Institute, but I’m sure I can call and get waitlisted for next semester. I want to be with you. Like, for real.”
I take a step back, because hearing those words from herlips is simultaneously the most beautiful and heartbreaking experience of my life, and all I want to do is pull her into my arms and never let go. But I can’t. I have to give her a chance to live her life without being held back.
On top of that, I’m not even confident in my ability to keep her safe anymore. She trusted me with her body and now she’s covered in marks because I was selfish and took what I wanted without making sure she was okay. Who’s to say that it won’t happen again? I was so afraid she’d put herself in danger with some random guy in LA, but then I turned around and did it on my own. She’s better off with them. Away from me.
I have to make her go.
“Grace,” I say, swallowing thickly. “That’s not what this is.” Her face falls and I feel like I’m going to vomit, but I keep going. Focusing on the wall behind her, because I’m a fucking coward and can’t look her in the eye as I rip her heart out, I continue. “We were just having fun for the summer,” I choke out, silently begging the burning at the backs of my eyes to go away.
