Page 42 of Runaway Girl
“How about from the beginning?”
I inhaled a deep breath, then blew out slowly. “I was fourteen years old when I realised my mother didn’t love me…”
After relaying my volatile history with my mother, Veronica began her probing.
“Ethan, after hearing about Audrey and the influence she had on your life, a lot of people at home will be wondering… Why didn’t you just cut her off?”
“I wish the answer was that simple, but it’s so complex. We don’t have enough time to break down all the ways my mother fucked with my head,” I said, tapping a finger to my temple. “But… with recent events, I’ve been trying. It’s hard to explain, but with the help of my therapist, I’m starting to understand a lot more about myself.”
Veronica gave a subtle nod, encouraging me to continue.
“When my mother deserted me, then continuously treated me like trash, it changed something in my psyche. I constantlysearched for her validation, unintentionally giving her the key to my own self-worth. You know”—I gave a half-ass chuckle in self-deprecation—“when you feel you’ve been abandoned by your own mother, this maternal figure who is supposed to love and protect you no matter what, it leaves a gaping hole. I unconsciously tried to fill that, knowing damn well she was never capable of being that person.”
“And how did that influence other relationships in your life?” Veronica asked.
“Since childhood, I’ve held the deep-seated belief that people either leave, take advantageorbetray me in some way. Thus, I developed dysfunctional behaviours to cope with these innate fears.”
Veronica’s eyes widened in sympathy. If she wasn’t someone who gained a paycheck catering to the masses, I probably would have believed her. “Can you describe these behaviours and how they would manifest?”
I shrugged. “Just the usual harmful bullshit. I actively pushed people away to avoid getting hurt. And I’ve always had difficulty with trust—to the point that I was hypervigilant and paranoid of others’ motives. I would frequently hide my true feelings or withdraw from uncomfortable situations rather than communicate effectively. But if I felt especially vulnerable or exposed, sometimes, that would manifest into anger.”
“Would you say that these behaviours played a role in your romantic life as well?”
“Most definitely. I always rejected the idea of an intimate relationship. I didn’t want that type of connection—to give someone that much power over me. The mere thought was terrifying.”
“And what about now?”
“Now, I’d give anything to have that.”
Veronica gave a soft, teasing smile. “Would this drastic change have anything to do with that viral video?”
My spine straightened, giving all my focus to the most important part of the interview. “It haseverythingto do with that. My actions in that video served as the catalyst for me losing it all.”
“What do you mean byall?”
“It means I lost the most important person in my life,Runaway Girl.”
Chapter 25
ETHAN
“Can you talk us through that video, Ethan?”
Heat raised beneath my skin, flushing my cheeks. “Shit, that’s just one piece of the puzzle… I’m ashamed to say my atrocious behaviour didn’t start there. That just happened to be the part that was memorialised on film.”
I shifted uncomfortably. “Honestly, I look back on that video with self-disdain. I didn’t protect or keep my girl safe. Instead, I was acting like a completecunt—oh, shit! Can I say that?”
Veronica suppressed a laugh. “You can say whatever you want.”
I ran a hand through my hair, embarrassment creeping down my spine “There is no excuse for the way I behaved, and I wish I could take it all back.”.
“Why did you behave like that? What happened to make you react that way?”
“She said she wanted a future with me,” I said, my tone wistful and full of regret. “And because of my avoidant attachment issues, I panicked—then self-sabotaged the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.”
Veronica tilted her head in reflection. “Are you sure it was self-sabotage? And not a common case of ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’?”
I shook my head. “I can see how people would think that, and I guess there issometruth to it. But evenIcan admit our relationship had already taken that next step—before I turned it into a disastrous train wreck, of course. I… I never told her this, but I wanted her to meet my dad. The next time he was due to visit, I was going to introduce them…”
