Page 15 of Resting Witch Face
“When was the last time you got laid? And, no. Impotent Mike does not count.” I slashed the air between us when she opened her mouth. “Because River is not what we need to focus on, let me tell you. Maybe Devon was right from the beginning. I should’ve just registered as a human and got it over and done with. I didn’t because I didn’t want to embarrass Danika more than I already had just by existing as a dud, and look how she repaid me for it? She pushed me under a bus.”
“First of all”—Sissily stuck her thumb up, starting a count, and I clenched my jaw because there was no stopping her when she started finger counting—“I have a dildo if I need an orgasm, which you know since that monstrosity was a gift from you when you thought you were being funny. Well, joke’s on you, girlfriend. Second” —Her forefinger popped up— “River is very much something we should focus on because, unlike me with my dildo, you are the one who needs to get laid before your face freezes into a permanent scowl.” Her middle finger jumped to join the other two. “Third, Devon the human has never been right about anything apart from how to do his job. If he was as smart as you want me to believe, he would’ve seen through all your acts for what they were. He failed the test because he couldn’t get you to lower your walls, which means he wasn’t worthy. That, my dear friend, makes him dumb.”
“We are going off track—”
“Fourth” —Her ring finger popped up, and her glare deepened, shutting up my protests— “You will not pass now, or ever in the near or distant future, for a human, and I don’t ever want you to say that again. Am I clear?”
My groan sounded pained, even to my own ears.
“Are. We. Clear. Hazel. Byrne?” She did that thing again where her lips looked twice the size they were while she pronounced every freaking letter in each word.
“I might not have a choice, girl.” My shoulders slumped, and I deflated in the driver’s seat like a balloon. “I hear what you’re saying, but the reality does look bleak.” My forefinger tapped the steering wheel like a nervous tic.
“What were you doing here anyway?” Sissily wiggled in the passenger seat to fully turn on her side and face me. Her jaw made a loud pop when she yawned wide and tucked one leg under her butt.
Hecate help me, I could kill my best friend from sleep deprivation.
“I was going to look for a spell, or … something.” My shoulder twitched in a lazy attempt at a shrug while I stared ahead, unwilling to look at her. Saying it out loud made me realize how dumb of an idea it was, and my face warmed in shame. “You know a prepacked potion or already prepared spell won’t work. They’ll never accept it as proof of anything.”
As usual, Sissily left me speechless, just like every other time as long as I’d known her, which was most of my life. If I expected pity or for her to feel sorry for me, I would be sorely mistaken. For the umpteenth time, I wished I could have as much faith in the impossible as she did, especially when it came to me.
“Hmmm, well a spell won’t work, and you still need magic to activate a potion, prepacked or freshly made. Incantation, however …” Lips pursed, her head wiggled side to side in thought. “If we find one for communing with a deity—which does not have to be Hecate because we DO NOT want to anger her, trust me—I strongly believe we can pull it off.” Her unfocused gaze sharpened and locked on mine. But I could only gape at her. “What? How would they know what happened between you and one of the gods? You can totally bullshit your way through it, regaling them with tales of many blessings and guidance of trials ahead.”
“You want me to lie to a board of the strongest witches in America?” It was difficult to hide the incredulity in my tone. I stared at her wide eyed like she’d grown three more heads.
“Yup.” She released the “P” with a pop that made me flinch. “That’s exactly what you are going to do, Hazel, or so Hecate help me, I will fry your ass right along with your entire wardrobe. Including all your shoes.”
“You wouldn’t,” I gasped, but I knew that expression on her face and the manic glint in her eyes. She totally would, the little shit.
“Try me.” It had to be the lack of sleep making her insane. It just had to be. Because Sissily looked like the product of a mad scientist on steroids and a mental patient had a baby—a feral one.
“Okay, okay, let’s all calm down. There is no need for threats against my wardrobe. It has done nothing to you.” Blowing out a deep breath, it took a few long moments to calm the galloping of my heart. I’d rather she had gone for my eyes than touch my clothing or, Goddess forbid, my shoes. I still struggled with the gut-wrenching ache from destroying my designer ankle boots when I apprehended the Kashi demon.
“I knew you’d see reason and agree with me,” Sissily cooed sweetly, honey dripping from her mouth.
“I didn’t agree to shit.” I brought my pointer finger in her face. “You bullied me into doing things your way.”
“What can I say? I did learn from the best bully in the world. Bitch extraordinaire, Hazel Byrne.” She yawned again, showing me her tonsils and molars before settling on a serene smile with eyelids half open. “Do you know her? She’s amazing.” My best friend chortled when I shook my head.
Unwanted as it was, the idea she planted in my head took root. My head was spun with swirling thoughts. Could it be that easy? I was already thinking of an incantation, but I had no idea what kind to look for. Sissily made a good point with the call to a deity. Would I be able to pull it off? It wouldn’t be the first time I bluffed my way out of things. Apart from Sasha Airborne, I actually hadn’t hit anyone else. That bitch had deserved it, and I wasn’t sorry. I had the scars to prove I had every right to break her nose and cheekbone. Okay, her arm too, but whatever. Everyone else after that ducked their heads or rushed to get away from me. Especially when I got in their faces with a bravado I’d perfected from insult after insult being thrown my way until even I believed I was ready to throw down and get dirty at any given moment. In reality though …
I didn’t want to hurt or insult anyone.
All I wanted was to call them out on their bullshit.
The wielder of the truth stick, that was me.
“What I want to know, though, is why now?” It took me a moment to pull myself out of my head for her words to register. When I looked at her, she waved a hand between us as if dispersing the air. “Not what we are talking about. I mean, why are the other covens so adamant to do this shit now? Until this last meeting your grandmother attended, all of them were too happy to let us put our neck on the line with the scum of our world. We lost a lot of great witches to demon and rogue shifter bites, vampires and Fae gone feral. So, why now?”
“You can ask your buddy River …” My scream made Sissily jerk in her seat when knuckles rapped on my window right next to my ear.
Fully focused on our conversation, neither one of us noticed anyone approaching my parked Mercedes. Panting, I struggled to inflate my lungs when I looked at the person leaning on top of my car with their forehead pillowed on their forearms. Like a deer in headlights, my gaze locked on River’s, who was fighting to hold back a grin, his face twitching comically while his eyes danced with mirth on his handsome face.
“Speak of the devil and he shall find you,” I muttered in frustration, jabbing the start button so I could lower the window. Sissily snickered next to me.
“Hi, River,” my best friend chirped, ducking her head so she could see his face from the passenger seat. “What a pleasant surprise.”
“Sissily.” Blondie bestowed a panty-melting show of teeth at her as I debated whether or not I could yank him closer and close the window on his nose.
