Page 55 of When Worlds Collide
“Is there – will there…” I didn’t even know how to say it.
“Your thoughts are too loud,” he grumbled. “Spit it out, cheonsa.”
I pressed another kiss to his warm skin, suddenly aware of my nakedness as another kind of vulnerability prickled my skin.
“You said before, about being a secret – ”
I felt him stiffen beneath me even as the arms around me tightened. I forced myself to continue.
“Will there ever be a time that we don’t have to be?”
He was silent for so long, I thought he wouldn’t answer me. The rate of his heart I heard thumping against my cheek told me he wasn’t asleep.
Whatever I expected him to say, I was still surprised when he did eventually answer.
“I won’t be a performer forever,” he said, voice tremulous. “We have our military enlistment in a few years, and then maybe… five more years…”
I did the math in my head. I knew the general plan was that they would all begin to enlist when Minjae, who was the oldest of the group turned 30 in… four years. Enlistment would last a couple years, then five years after that…
Each separate time frame clanged through me like a gong.
Four years.
Two years.
Five years.
“Eleven years,” I muttered, not really meaning to say it out loud.
“Does that change your mind?”
The question caught me by surprise, shaking me out of the silent reverie I had fallen into as I mentally went through the years it might be, how much older I would be, and what that would look like. I didn’t realise I hadn’t responded, until suddenly, Jihoon rolled us so that he was above me, caging me in with his body. His hands were on my face, and even in the dim light, I could see the way his face creased. His mouth opened with slight pants that ghosted across my lips.
“Don’t leave,” he breathed, and at first, I frowned, not understanding.
“We can do this, cheonsa, we can make it work. Don’t leave.”
And I saw it then, now that I was really looking – it wasn’t fear that I didn’t love him, it was fear that I wouldn’t wait for him.
“Jihoon wha-”
His lips slammed down onto mine, almost bruising in the intensity he pushed into the kiss, his mouth moving against mine until I was forced to move with him.
His hand moved from my face to trail down my body, fingers moving over and around, delving like he was trying to re-learn my contours.
When his hand moved between my legs, I tore my mouth from his, gasping, “Joon, baby, stop.”
His fingers stilled instantly, drawing back to rest on my thigh, but his face stayed buried in my neck, muffling his next words.
“Don’t leave,” he whispered against my skin. “Just… stay.” And suddenly I knew, this wasn’t desire, it was panic. As if the only reason I was here was because I desired him. He was trying to fix something with sex that he didn’t know how to fix with words.
“Baby,” I reached my hands up to cup his face, to force his eyes back to mine. “I’m not going to leave.”
“Why not?” The hard edge to his voice made me recoil slightly, but all I could do was push my head further back into the pillows.
“Why wouldn’t you?” He laughed, but there was no mirth to it. His head hung down, dislodging my hands and breaking eye contact with me, his hair obscuring his face.
“Joon-”
