Page 25 of When Worlds Collide
“Decisions don’t get made in the dark, love. You need the light of day to see where you’re going.”
The last time I’d heard her say that was when I was trying to decide what A-level subjects to do in my final years of school. I'd wanted to do Music Production later at university so taking Music Theory was a given, but I’d also wanted a couple of safe backup choices, just in case I buggered it up. I’d been necking Red Bulls in my bedroom, staring at a small mound of papers littered across my bed, each a different prospectus for the various courses offered by my sixth form college. I was half-decided on doing Geography when I realised that not only was I rubbish at Geography, but that it wouldn’t benefit me in the slightest. That’s when my mum had come in, taken away my energy drinks and given me the advice I’d needed.
Despite the drinks, I’d gone to bed and woken up with the perspective I’d needed to make the decision. Music theory, English Literature, and a couple buffer subjects.
I’d aced Music and English, so if all else failed, maybe I could take up professional blog writing. I smiled wryly to myself at the thought.
Thinking about that time period in my life, barely 17, still living at home with my folks, the biggest decision I ever had to make was what to study for the last two years of college. I’d chosen my university out of three possible choices for Music Production and tossed a coin.
I’d chosen to come to LA because Becka said she could get me a job, and I could live with her. Relatively speaking, I hadn’t needed to make many important decisions in my life, so when Jihoon had asked me to come to Korea, I’d barely thought about it. I’d gone with my gut and given nary a thought to what came after the ‘yes’.
I was starting to see a pattern to my decision making. Maybe I was the kind of person who leapt first and figured it out later.
It seemed to have worked out for me so far. Maybe this would, too.
Chapter 9
The shrill tones of my now pointless work alarm pierced the quiet, still air as effectively as an air-raid siren, making me – and the arms wrapped tightly around me – jump. I must have forgotten to unset it.
Jihoon groaned from behind me. “Oh my god, turn it off.”
I smiled sleepily. “Can’t. Gotta go to work.” I shuffled forward and reached for my phone on the nightstand, pressing the side button to silence the offending device. I made a mental note to delete the alarm later.
Silence fell, allowing the watery, grey morning light to come into focus as the dominate sensory experience. The arms that had loosened to allow me to stretch forward, now re-tightened around me, swiftly pulling me backwards.
I yelped as I slid easily across the soft, bazillion thread-count sheets, until I was clamped firmly against Jihoon’s muscled chest, the warmth of his body overwhelming me.
“Not so fast, jagiya,” he mumbled against my hair.
“But I’ve got to go to work,” I grumbled.
“Your work is here, with me,” he insisted, making a breathless giggle escape from me. For a few moments, I allowed myself to relax into his warm embrace, but the niggling thoughts weren’t so easy to suppress.
My alarm going off had been like a literal alarm, reminding me of a life I’d lived until recently. A life where I’d gotten up and gone to a job I hadn’t necessarily enjoyed – and it certainly hadn’t given me much purpose – but it had given structure to my days.
Working at Pisces was part of the reason I now knew at least what I didn’t want to do with my life, and while I didn’t know what I did want to do with my life, it was perhaps a step in the right direction.
As I lay there, in the fluffy cloud that passed for a bed, listening to the deep breaths of the man I loved as he drifted back off to sleep, I watched the grey skyline of the city I’d moved to on a whim.
I needed to have a real think about what came next, and I needed to be firm with myself – and Jihoon – because I hadn’t come over here to sit in a hotel and… do what?
I was frustrated that Jihoon didn’t see my predicament as the pressing matter that I did.
Maybe I should try to work at ENT. I was absolutely sure they wouldn’t let me anywhere near a studio, but maybe they had an intern program I could join? It might help me to find something I was passionate about.
When I thought about music, and what I loved the most about it, all that came to mind was the beauty of it; the enjoyment of a piece put together, the artistry of the method in practice.
I’d spent so long – years – pursing music production because I thought I wanted to be on the side of the booth that made it, putting it all together. Somewhere along that path, I’d realised that not only did I not enjoy it, it was making me not enjoy music anymore, and that had been intolerable. Admitting to myself that something I’d worked so hard for, for so long, was not my passion anymore had been a kind of devastation.
Jihoon was so certain I would find my ‘purpose’, but I wasn’t sure I shared his certainty.
When Jihoon had woken up a little more fully, I’d made the decision to talk to him about working at ENT. It didn’t make me feel good – it felt a little bit like nepotism, my boyfriend getting me a job – but after rolling the idea around in my head, it made the most sense to me.
I’d also decided I would look for somewhere to take Korean classes. My daily app lessons were not going to cut it. It might have been good enough for a holiday jaunt to the country, but it wasn’t gonna fly if I was actually going to stay, live, and work here.
I’d given Jihoon the courtesy of letting him wake up fully before I laid all my plans out to him. He listened patiently, waiting until I was done before saying anything. I’d had to admit to learning some basic Korean on the side. He’d been delighted, called me all manner of complimentary things I wasn’t sure I quite deserved. And he’d tested me, obviously. He sat me at the dining table and excitedly listened as I ran through my repertoire of introducing myself, announcing I was British, labelling off various items in the room, and claiming that I like small cats.
It didn’t seem to matter to him that I was just saying random words; he listened intently. When I was done, he clapped hishands together like an excited seal, with many appreciative noises.
