Page 130 of When Worlds Collide
“What if I came home? Right now?” I heard myself say, but couldn’t reconcile the thought behind it.
My dad hesitated before he sighed.
“Baby, we don’t want that. You’re out there, living your life, and you finally seem happy.”
“But what if I did?” I pressed.
He sighed again. “It would need to be before she starts the chemotherapy, love. Once that starts…” he didn’t continue the thought. He didn’t have to.
“Look, don’t make any decisions now,” he went on, holding his hand up, as though I was in danger of jumping up from the counter and making a run for it to the airport.
“Think this through. I will… I’ve got your mum, love. You know I do. I’ll take care of her.”
“I know you will.” My voice was barely a whisper, a mere thought of suggestion that had no weight. We all knew my dad lived and breathed for my mum.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” I knew that the devastation I saw in his eyes, so unlike mine, must look exactly like mine at that moment.
“I need to go be with your mum. I’ll call you again. We love you, Kaiya.”
“I love you, too.” The automatic response was pulled out of me by sheer autopilot.
The screen on my laptop went blank, and a moment later, the profile picture of my parents filled the window, smiling and laughing as they clinked their drinks together. Next to them was the reflection of my face, screwed up and on the cusp of an explosion I wasn’t sure I could contain.
But then, I didn’t even try.
“I have you, jagiya, I have you.”
I wailed, and I would have fallen had Jihoon not caught me, lifting me in his arms until we were safely on the ground. I was cushioned in the security of his arms as he rocked me for so long that time stopped being a thing I was aware of.
Chapter 40
That night in bed, I tossed and turned until eventually, I got up, not wanting to keep disturbing Jihoon, who already didn’t get enough sleep.
I crept out of the bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind me, and made my way over to the sofa, taking my laptop with me.
I don’t know how long I spent there, curled up on the cushions with a blanket pulled over my shoulders as I researched breast cancer. Everything seemed to depend on what stage my mum was in, but the overall prognosis was generally good.
I came away with more questions than answers, though.
What stage was she in? Was it a double mastectomy, or a single that she was having? What kind of chemotherapy treatment was she having? Was she going to wait the recommended thirty days post-op, or were they starting on it sooner?
All those questions, and not having the answers was unbelievably frustrating, made more so because I couldn’t just call her to ask.
I looked down at my watch; just after 6:20 am. I’d been up for a couple hours, but it wasn’t even midnight for them. I couldn’t call them for hours.
I tossed my laptop aside, careful to at least aim for a pile of cushions so I didn’t accidentally break it in my frustration.
I didn’t know what to do. I was here, they were there, and I felt so fucking useless.
I dragged my hands down my face, feeling the slight burn as my fingernails got a little too close to my cheek, and I dropped my hands helplessly back into my lap, idly listening to the ticking of the clock on the wall.
It wasn’t long before I started to hear rustling coming from the bedroom. Even on days where he didn’t need to get up early, he couldn’t seem to stop himself. Years of being busy, of red-eye flights, and hours of gruelling practice before a full day of engagements had permanently altered his body clock. It conditioned him to rise long before most people were even awake.
“Kaiya?” His voice, still deep from sleep, called from the door, and I looked over to where he stood.
His pyjama bottoms were rumpled, and I knew that if I ran my hands down his chest, he would still be so warm, and all I’d want to do is wrap myself up in the comfort of his body.
But I didn’t. I felt snarled up in myself, and I worried that if I touched him now, I’d scratch him with the thorns I felt growing from my skin.
