Page 71 of Knockin' Boats
“Since we dated for real? Summer after high school, I guess.”
Sawyer looked incredulous. “And you’re telling me you two haven’t hooked up since then? Just for old times’ sake or because you aren’t with someone else?”
“We haven’t.”
“Not even when you were drunk and horny?” he demanded.
I shook my head. “We’re not into each other like that. We’re super close friends and we’ve even been roommates, but…”
I hesitated. Sawyer’s eyes narrowed. “What? Just tell me.”
“I don’t want you to think I’m just saying this to make you feel better, or to make you think I didn’t fuck everything up between you and me. This is just the truth.”
“Okay…”
“Mel and I were never good in bed,” I admitted. “It was just…something was always missing.”
“You’re honestly telling me you were bad at sex?”
“No. Hell no. I’m fucking great at sex. Didn’t you just come your brains out with me?”
He turned bright red, and okay, maybe it was still too soon for him to handle talking about coming with a guy.
“I did all the work,” he muttered.
“Because you wanted to and I let you, but…yeah. You were fucking great, Saw. It’s different with you.”
His gaze searched mine. “I feel different with you too.”
“I regret hurting you back then. You moved away, and you weren’t returning calls or texts, and hell, I even showed up once to hang out and you acted like I wasn’t there.”
“I was a fucking mess over my family falling apart, Ash.”
I nodded. “I see it now. In hindsight. At the time…” I exhaled. “I don’t know what to say, Sawyer. I was a stupid kid, and I made it about me. About how you didn’t really want to be friends anymore.”
Sawyer pulled away from me. “So you fucked my girlfriend to get even?”
“No! No, I’d never do that.” I shook my head emphatically. “Mel and I were just both…sad and lonely, I guess? We missed you.”
He laughed bitterly. “So, it’s my fault you hooked up.”
“Of course not, Sawyer!” I slapped my hand into the water, flinging droplets this way and that. My inability to get this out the right way frustrated me to no end. “None of it was your fault. I was stupid. You broke up with her. I felt like you’d ditched me. We were just two idiots who didn’t think it through.”
“Okay, fine. Let’s say I believe that. What about the fact you kept dating?”
I shrugged uncomfortably. “You hated me for what I did. I figured, I’d ruined our friendship, so I might as well keep seeing her. Otherwise, I’d blown up everything for nothing, you know?”
“That’s some backwards logic.”
“Yeah, probably.” I quirked my lips in a tentative smile. “I never said I was the sharpest crayon in the box.”
“You’re plenty smart, Ash.”
“Not smart enough to see how much you were hurting or how much you needed me to keep trying to be there for you. I’m sorry, Sawyer. Really, if I could change it all, I would.”
“There’s no going back,” Sawyer said.
“I know. So…” I swallowed hard. “Is it possible to go forward with me? After all that?”
