Page 48 of I Can't Even Think Straight

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I feel angry.

I feel pushed under the bus.

I feel pushed out of the closet

because Matt wants to stay inside.

Once I’m out, he’ll lock the door

behind me.

I exhale and say, “Yes, I’m gay.”

This isn’t how I imagined coming out

at school (in the lunch hall on fish and chips Friday),

but I guess this is as good a day as any.

“I knew it!” Kwesi raises a fist.

I flinch automatically,

as if he’s gonna punch me.

Kwesi’s fist hovers in front of me,

and I realize he wants a fist bump.

“Spud me,” he says softly.

Does he feel sorry for me?

As our fists meet,

I see a twinkle in Kwesi’s eye.

I make sense to him now.

He no longer has to search

for the answer

to the question of me.

Nathan offers me a fist bump.

Abdi and Sam pat me on the back.

It all feels so convivial,

like The Boys have planned

their perfect reactions.

But then I realize

Kojo hasn’t looked at me.

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