Page 126 of I Can't Even Think Straight

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Since then, I’ve noticed

a combination of three main feelings

coming and going,

like tides of emotion pushing in and

ebbing away again,

with no clear boundary between them:

I’ve felt guilty that I let Vass go off with Adonis;

I’ve felt guilty about my fantasies

before I knew what he’d done to Vass;

I’ve felt upset that Vass isn’t pressing charges; and

I’ve felt fear that it could be me

who is sexually assaulted

by someone similar one day.

Someone handsome, charming, and disarming.

Vass is one of the strongest

and most confident people I know.

I don’t know how I’d handle

what they’ve been through.

Saturday: Great Expectations—Obi’s House Party

I expected Obi’s house party

would be more like a frat party

in an American teen movie.

I expected music to be blasting

from a massive sound system

as I stepped onto the gravel driveway

with Matt and Vass flanking me.

I expected there to be red Solo cups

and perhaps a beer pong game in play.

Instead, there’s a slow record playing

on an old-school record player.

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