Page 114 of The Black Flamingo

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to say goodbye, possibly forever, and

the pause

goes on for too long and Simon says, with

a laugh in his smile, “Sorry, did I interrupt?”

“You go ahead. I’ll be all right, with Mike.”

I’m walking across campus

back to my room with Jack

in silence, not quite comfortable,

not quite awkward.

I want to know what Jack’s thinking.

I look up at him. He looks down

at me and smiles and I smile back.

I look forward.

Just keep walking.

Nearly there now.

“So, this is my room,” I say,

gesturing around randomly.

“I have an en-suite bathroom,”

I say with unwarranted pride.

I point to the bed. “Shall we?”

I just mean: Shall we sit?

I realize too late what’s implied

is something else entirely

and it’s not what I meant

but it’s definitely what I want.

I want it to be with him.

I’m ready to lose my virginity.

“Lose” doesn’t sound right.

This won’t be an accident.

How else can I say it? I’m ready

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